Mother is Making Me Stressed! :(

**lizzardb63** · 12-28-2011 12:35 PM

This is kind of long, so please bare with me. So last weekend for Christmas we went over by my parents on Christmas Eve from 2:00 pm-6:00 pm and went to church and got to my fiances grand parents at 8:30 pm, stayed until 10:00 pm. The next morning we woke up, went to church and had brunch with his parents (to make them a meal has been our christmas gift to them) and then at 1 we were supposed to eat at my grandparents (on my mom's side). So, we first ate at 11:30 and figured we weren't gonna be hungry I texted my mom and said "Might not first come at 2, we just got done eating and probably won't be hungry, is that ok?" and she never wrote back. So we just made sure we were there at 1 because we didn't want to upset my mom (Yes, I know...but she gets upset over SMALL things). So then when we got there she says "You're adults, you can do what you want"

Then it came time to talk about tree hopping. My mom totally flipped out on me about tree hopping. He is the conversation between us. She couldn't even talk to me on the phone.

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME INSIGHT ON HOW TO HANDLE THIS ANY FURTHER. I feel I did nothing wrong and am being punished for something I am not in the wrong for. My mom treats me like this ALL the time. It is not the first time this has happened and I am sure NOT the last. So here goes:

MY MOM:
I will make it easy for you, Tonight you can have Kurt's parents over, Wed. you can go over by Kurts parents house for Kurt's dad's birthday because it is the only day his mom can host it. that is because it is tree hopping on the Fisher side and Friday is tree hopping on the Nicklaus side so of course Wed. is the only day she can host it. Christmas day you could/would not change plans for us. You will be too hung over New Years Eve day to have us over from the Nicklaus tree hopping and then you have plans that evening. So just do your festivities on the Nicklaus side and Forget your family! There, now you don't have to worry about pleasing people. Just be sure to please the Nicklaus side because I know how much they help you kids. HaHa too funny!!!! and it is not just me, Karen mentioned also when we were trying to pick a day it all depended on his family.
Also thank you for totally ruining my vacation and Christmas, I hope you are happy.

ME:
I know you didn't answer my calls before but I will try to call you later. If you decide to answer hopefully we can talk this out. I am not trying to hurt anyone or ruin anyone's vacation.

MY MOM:
Like I said, I am going to mind my own business. I love you and you have to do what you need to do. I do not want to impose on your plans. Have fun.

ME:
This is the last thing I will say and you won't have to talk to me anymore.

I don't think you understand that we don't change plans to make Kurt's family happy. You're wrong about our plans anyway, because Nicklaus' aren't even doing tree hopping. His moms side on Christmas Eve already told Kurt and I that Thursday and Friday are tree hopping. We told them Thursday we aren't going because we have an appointment with a florist but Friday we probably could come. Christmas morning before we even saw you on Christmas, his mom asked if they could stop over Tuesday night and we said that would be fine. If I would have known that you wanted to do tree hopping during the week, I wouldn't have said yes. I didn’t think any tree hopping would have been done since Kurt and I both still work during the week. All of these plans were made BEFORE I talked to you. You're making it sound like we already had a day picked out to tree hop and I cancelled because I talked to them after I made plans with you. Not true.

We came on Christmas Eve so we had a few hours to visit and spend with you before we had to go to church and his grandmas. Then since you didn't answer my text whether or not 2 was too late we left his parents and went by grandmas for dinner anyway, because we weren't sure if you were mad. You told us "You're adults and can make your own decisions"...but if we do that, we get into this type of argument. We didn't cancel ANY plans with you for his family. We didn't have plans yet and it sucked that Wednesday night was the only one we had open during the week. Saturday, we've got nothing going on but you didn't want to stop over on the weekend.

This is the reason why we check in with you about our decisions. I never know if I'm going to upset you. Do you really think I WANT to get together with his family all these days? No...but I have to do it. I always thought we did tree hopping on weekends so never thought it would come to be a problem that I had plans Tuesday and Friday.

I am probably just digging myself a deeper hole, but at least I get to say what I have to say since you won't talk to me on the phone. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't do anything right. Tom announces "No one's coming over for tree hopping" and that's hunky dory to everyone else, but because I only had 1 day to do something WHICH SUCKS FOR ME TOO, I am the worst child in the world and keep hurting you. What the heck am I supposed to do here?!

Anyway, I hope you can still enjoy what vacation you have left, and I won't bother you anymore. I love you.

MY MOM:
Beth, just forget it. You don't get it so it doesn't matter anymore. Spend the holidays with the Nicklaus's and go out with your friends. PS I originally wanted to come and visit on Saturday but you almost flew off the couch saying "NO we have plans with friends". Anyway the only reason I wanted to visit with you is because you wanted people to come over. Tom made it clear he did not. If you would have said I don't want anyone to come over that would also have been fine. As far as Grandma goes, I was visiting with them, not checking my phone. She sent you the invitation a while ago. You could have called her and said you would be able to come at 2:30 in the afternoon, not to expect you for the meal. It's pretty rude on the day to announce you will not come for the meal after she prepared for it. But like I said, you are adults and every action has a reaction.

If you want me and dad to stop over on Saturday (if we are still welcome) let me know what time.

Also what kind of message do you think you are sending to us saying we can still come over on Wednesday but Kurt will not be here. Wow.

Anyway, I guess it hurt so much because I love you with all my heart and I know Kurt is trying to come between us. Let me know what you want to do or if you even want to have a relationship any longer.

ME:
Yes we do want you to come over and Saturday would work if it works for you. The reason I said Kurt might not be there is because I didn't know if he was stopping in by his folks before he came to green bay for a drink or not. It was sprung on us. The holidays are hard to make time for everyone the way it is and I sure didn't want to have a huge fight about it. Kurt is not trying to do anything. He is going to be my husband and his family will be my family soon...I am trying to make time with everyone but its hard cuz no matter what someone gets upset. I can't do it anymore.

Of course I still want a relationship. I don't shut people out of my life over fights.

What time works for you on Saturday?

MY MOM:
What time do you want us there? I know you have plans with your friends and don't want to impose.

ME:
2 okay? We can have snacks and supper.

It's just going to be really awkward.... I am so stressed.

**lizzardb63** · 12-28-2011 01:00 PM

And for the record, we didn't get my grandma's invite until 3 days before Christmas and I also did not expect for brunch to run as late as it did. She doesn't understand that sometimes things don't go as planned and it was out of my control.

She even TOLD me to text her that day to let her know what time I'd be there and kept reassuring me that I didn't HAVE to come for the meal.

**KMonte85** · 12-28-2011 02:19 PM

Ahhh, the passive-agressive, overly dramatic mother... wonderful. At least you are well aware of this behavior and are able to pinpoint when she's acting this way. Sounds like Mom is having a hard time letting go, and has a bit of anomosity towards your future husband because of it. She's going to have to put her big girl britches on and get over it. After all, she had to go through the same transition you are when she became and adult and started a family.

I think what is best is to have your parents over for the weekend and make the most of it. She's not going to budge from her high horse, and you of course aren't going to agree with her anytime soon. So let that just settle into the "agree to disagree" category, brush it off, and try to have some decent family time as best you can.

Then when the dust has settled from the season, you and your hubby need to sit down and figure out EXACTLY what you're going to do next year. No more party hopping, no more trying to cram too many holiday festivities into not enough time. It's time to make some tough decisions, but if you set the guidelines out now (being fair to both sides of the family and to yourselves), you'll have a lot less trouble in the future...

Will you spend Thanksgiving with one side of your family and Christmas with the other - maybe switching every other year?
Will you have Christmas Eve with one side of the family, and Christmas day with the other? (You could include New Years or Tree Hopping in this too)
Will you host a holiday with both of your families at the same time? After all, you'll be family this time next year...
Will you get the parents and the grandparents together for a holiday meal so you don't have to try to squeeze in 4 meals at 4 different households in 2 days?
I guess I don't know what "tree hopping" is, but is this something necessary in addition to all the holiday get-togethers you've already had with each other? Maybe you forego the "tree hopping" altogether next year, and instead spend the day having quality time with your husband (this could turn into your own family tradition should you two have children in the future).

You see where I'm going with this. Discuss, discuss, discuss. Be fair, but be realistic. If you're scrambling every single year to fit in all the social engagements that are going on, you'll grow to resent the time of year that is meant to warm your heart.

And to H3ll with anyone who gives you grief in the name of "tradition"! Family traditions only work so long as the family never changes - as elders grow old and kids grow up and marry other people, traditions have to change to accomodate... time to forge your OWN traditions! Whatever you choose, you need to make sure everybody is on the same page as far as understanding when you will be around and when you won't. Maybe your mom won't love your decision, and will get all guilt-trippy on you again, but she definitely had one thing right - you are an adult and can make your own decisions. Do so, and don't let her weepy emails and screened phonecalls influence what is best for you.

**lizzardb63** · 12-28-2011 02:23 PM

My fiances dad's business also burnt down on Nov 19th and what my mom meant by "They help you a lot. Too funny ha ha"...is that his parents aren't able to help us financially with the wedding anymore. That was just a low blow. That is how my mom is. She knows exactly what will hurt the most and uses it. My mom looks for things that we say to twist them around and make them into huge issues. We do not do that. For example, last Sunday we stopped over by them and had breakfast and my dad said "Do you know of anyone who can do cheap cupboards?" (my fiance's dad did wood working) and my fiance goes "Yeah, but ya gotta wait until my dad gets new equipment" and my dad says back "Well then he'll jack up the prices"... really?? He lost 30 years of hard work and dedication... how insensitive can a person get?! It's just very VERY VERY frustrating to always be the bad person and harder and harder to be the bigger person in each situation. Sorry....i am just really depressed about this.

**lizzardb63** · 12-28-2011 02:29 PM

Tree hopping is basically where you go visit houses and see there tree and have snacks and drinks together. Thanksgiving I ALWAYS spend with my family as my fiance is up north hunting. I spent 4 days and 3 nights over there (brought an air mattress etc) and she ended up getting mad at me for something else and told me that I am a "selfish b*****" and to "get out of my f******* house"...so i left. This is what happens. MOUNTAINS OUT OF MOLE HILLS....and i know you only hear my side, but as you read, she can be very irrational.

**KMonte85** · 12-28-2011 02:32 PM

They aren't playing fair with you. They are being VERY insensitive, and unfortunately they either do not see that it is tearing you up, or they don't care. For someone who obviously wants you to spend more time with them (at least from the email communication it seems), they sure do make it easy for you want to spend less time with them. What's that old saying, "catch more flies with honey" well, spitting vinegar isn't going to do much for their perogative.

It really comes down to what you and your fiance are comfortable with. You have to let what your parents say roll off you back. You know you're not the bad person in this, or any other, scenario - it doesn't really matter what Mom and Dad think. I've got an overly critical father myself, the type to snark about not winning the gold if you won a silver medal at the Olympics. He's the reason I'm such a perfectionist and over-thinker, and of course I love him dearly, but if I let any of his digs get to me, I would never be happy with myself. You have to look at your parents in the same light. They want what's best for you, they want to spend more time with you, they love you dearly... but they're too critical and insenstive for their (or your) own good, and everything that comes out of their mouths must be taken with a bit of perspective.

What is important from this day forward is that you are happy.

**lizzardb63** · 12-28-2011 02:38 PM

Thank you KMonte. It's nice to hear that it isn't just me. (Sometimes I wonder if it's me...) But when she says "Kurt's trying to come between us"... um, yes of course he is, I'm going to be marrying him. That's what happens when you grow up. You eventually have to cut the strings and start a new life. It doesn't mean it's WITHOUT them, but it's not going to be how it was. He isn't doing anything to hurt our relationship...they are hurting our relationship. As you said, they sure are making is VERY easy for me to not want to come around. They wonder why I spend so much time with Kurt's family...it's because they are nice to me, accept me as one of their own, and make me feel good. Who WOULDN'T want to surround themselves with more of that? I don't know. It's just really hard.

**rosekitten** · 12-28-2011 02:41 PM

Honestly, do what makes you and your fiance happy. Do what you two want to do for the holidays. Sure, there are some exceptions to this to "keep the peace" between families, but if it's stressing you out, don't bother. My in-laws were upset with me because I didn't visit them for Thanksgiving or Christmas (husband is deployed), and you know what? They can be mad at me. They started stressing my husband out over it, and I told them to back off. Holidays and celebrations should be fun, and if your mother is just stressing you out and causing drama, I don't really see the point in putting up with it.

**Aeryn Sun** · 12-28-2011 04:01 PM

Your mother sounds like my mother!
Sad, but the only way I can deal/manage a relationship with her is on my own terms. I have a very small, tight boundary that I keep her in, or she will say any passive-aggressive, dramatic, insensitive, inappropriate thing to GET ME.
This same set of boundaries works for catering to the family get together.

The holidays are stressful, and you do want to see all the family but it just isn't possible to please everyone so we just tell people flat out our availability on Thanksgiving. It gives them about one month to plan with us in mind, and if it doesn't work out, we will see them when we can. We usually ended up seeing my family for breakfast, his moms family for an early dinner/lunch, and going to his Dads for dinner.

Knowing ahead of time we have a tight schedule, we eat small portions so it doesn't make us late to the next persons house and rude by not eating at all.
Getting a day off or two for the holidays is stressful when you have to spend it traveling to people and shuffling from place to place. The husband and I got so tired of this the first year, we went to a movie. Now, it is our tradition!
We make sure to tell his dad that we only have X amount of time to stay, and he is usually a good spirit about it. We go see a movie, enjoy our food coma, and go home with something else to talk about besides how much we have drove all day.

**lizzardb63** · 12-29-2011 07:54 AM

Well we did eat at my grandma's so I wasn't rude at all, and she even stated that she didn't see my text until after I said I was on my way, so my grandma wouldn't have been inconvenienced anyway because she would have never known.

If only my mom would stop trying to find reasons to not like my fiance and actually get to know him, they'd realize that he's awesome and treats me better than...well ANYONE in my life ever has. I am completely safe with him, in every aspect.

When my fiance and I first started dating Feb 2010 I had gotten out of an almost 4 year relationship (which ended with her say "i told you so" a bunch of times, last thing you wanna hear when you're just trying to heal) and said "He's only using you and is going to dump you!" This made me feel that obviously she doesn't think I can have someone to love me for me. That hurt. THe only difference between her and I is that I don't make mountains out of mole hills. I let it go. Maybe I'm too nice, but from this point on...there is definately going to be a distance between us. She texted me that she won't allow me and my fiance to hurt her anymore (what a joke).

I just don't think she's going to change and I won't allow HER to hurt US anymore. Just sucks, because it's my mom.