Thread: My Children Don't Like Me

It is one of the most difficult things to accept.
And the majority of parents refuse to accept it.

The reason I opened this thread is because of
that; for it is something that has, in recent years
become more and more apparent.

It is not so much as ownership of the child, it is
the simple question; why is it I can talk to other
people and other people's children, and can not
talk to my own?

Why is it that other people can understand my
reasons, and my children can not?

As you put it we don't choose them, they don't
choose us.

Some parents are lucky many are not.
And accepting the possibilities that I
expressed here might save some parents
a great deal of heart break.

Caroline, the reason I began this topic was because
I learned how many parents are in this position.

Five years ago I would have boxed it away as
Alien Abductions, but when you are alert to
something, you suddenly realise, this is not
an aberration. This is not one in a hundred,
this is not even one in fifty.

Something has happened in the past generation
where this situation has come up more and more.

Recently, in my district, a semi crippled man who
lived in a burnt out shell of a house, and survived
virtually by begging, died. Five big children in
cars, came to take charge of the property on
which he lived.

Now everyone thought the man was alone,
that he had no family. And so people would
cook and send over the excess to him, or
after a hurricane would make sure he got
supplies.

To see his children, well dressed, owning
cars, drive up was a shocker, to say the
least.

You are not alone. I think, honestly, a lot
of parents deny this, because it isn't blatant.

Maybe they keep calling the child, who never
calls back and is always 'busy'. Maybe they
are discouraged from visits. Maybe it seems
that every single holiday the children made
other plans, and the Parents spend their lives
giving excuses to others.

Unable to answer, honestly, when they are
asked; "How are the kids?"
they come with; "fine", because they can't
say anything else.

You're not alone.

The thing is not to beat yourself up for it.
There's nothing you could have done differently,
or better or anything at all, because for some
reason, either a 'Sandy' poisoned the child's mind,
or like Elana, the child had some image of the mother
she wanted which was not the mother she got, or
like Joanne, she set out to prove her mother wrong
by proving her right.

I think in the past to 'keep up appearances' children
showed some form of outward concern, but today,
that is shed like dandruff.

I hope more parents become aware of this so that
they don't put themselves at the mercy of children
like Denys Gobor who could move his parents out
of their home into a hellhole so that he could sell
the 'legacy' house and invest it in his young wife.

Obviously, there is a huge problem with these children.
But is it possible that in some of these cases, the problem is indeed with the parents? You're a counselor and these people's medical files are open to you, but for others it may not be so apparent that the child is not the one at fault.
So many people have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality.
I've mentioned it in passing, but I have an awful relationship with my mother. She has Panic Anxiety Syndrome, but has personal problems stemming from and completely separate from it. She has mentally abused me since I was a child, insisting that I am ****** (My IQ is 150+ and I speak 5 languages,) ugly (there's nothing wrong with my appearance,) and dirty (there's nothing wrong with my hygiene either.) She has either threatened or attempted suicide the last two times I came home for breaks from school.
Yet, every family friend of ours insists that she is the sweetest woman. Asks me why I'm mean to my mother. She's so smart, so nice, so wonderful. My grandmother and aunts say I should just deal with her. She isn't so bad. My sister, who is 6 years older than me and arguably went through worse with my mother wonders why I can't just tiptoe around her like she does.
But I can't. I have nothing but anger against her. I'd even call it rage. How can you yell at a faultless child repeatedly, call her things that she isn't, and think it doesn't go anywhere, doesn't add up? Until her most recent outburst, I would say that I still loved her, but I don't believe anymore that I do. I cowered away from her and hid in my room for 18 years; I'm an adult now, and I'm going to stand up to her.
I can't "cut contact;" I go to college three hours away and this woman gets all of my mail. My father works so hard to be able to stay afloat on one person's income.
She "doesn't want me," wants me out of the house, wishes she never had children, or at least that's what she tells me, but this summer when I moved in with my sister, she called me 40+ times repeatedly in the space of a few hours and when I didn't answer swallowed a bunch of pills, pretended she couldn't throw them up so that my godmother would call the police, (while she was throwing them immediately up, if I should even believe she took them at all) and got herself put in a mental institution.
To the world outside, she's the sweetest thing, but for me, she's just a monster. I wish I was just the ignorant, selfish child, but instead I'm ... me.

You are in a totally different space. If I were to meet
you and we got to talking, and you gave me 1/10th of
what you posted here, then this particular mother would
not fall into the category.

In your case it is very clear where the problem begins
and with whom, but take a case in which a daughter
makes a statement about a parent and can not give
specifics.

"She disrespects me..."

You ask for particulars, and the daughter can not
list one incident; then you step into another realm
where there is some nebulous animosity without a
cause.

Sometimes it is that the daughter is a drama queen
and the mother is someone who is the centre of
attention, and the entire mother/daughter turns
into virtual rivals.

This is going to sound very funny, but at a recent
wedding, the mother of the bride was totally left
out of everything; the mother of the groom took
the role of going for the dress, doing the hair, the
whole bit.

The mother was 'invited' to the wedding and given
clear instructions by the daughter that this was

'MY DAY AND YOU ARE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING
OR RUIN IT!'

The mother sat in the back as if she were a
distant relative. She said nothing.

When called upon to speak, with some confusion,
the mother repeated the instructions of her daughter
and continued to stay in the background.

A few days later the daughter fired off
a vicious email at how her mother ruined
her wedding.

Now clearly, this daughter had severe problems
with herself and her mother. Her mother 'obeyed'
her instructions, and was wrong.

Of course, if the mother had disobeyed and made
a speech, she would have been castigated for
the same thing.

In these cases, there is no sense in even trying
to make a 'bridge'. It will only lead give the
child a soapbox on which to attack the mother
without being able to provide specifics.

The hardest thing for a parent to do is simply
walk away. Leave it alone.

In your case, Little, it works in the opposite
direction.

But the fact is, there is not going to be the
'one happy family' ever. So you just sever
that need from you, and move on.

I think some people need a scapegoat,
someone on whom they can cast all
their sins and send off into the wilderness.

They become so caught up in the scapegoating
that when the 'goat' leaves they are bereft.

Some day, ten years from now, maybe there can
be some sort of 'link' between you and your mother,
but right now, the best and safest method is to
sever her from you life, and go on until such time
there can be the kind of bridge building, if ever.