Thread: My Children Don't Like Me

Originally Posted by CarolineWH

I believe many families have a skelton in their closet. A child can be born to them reflecting genes of past generations and try as they may, they cannot change. I know of many people who do not have a close relationship with a child. I think the important thing to reflect on is that this is not their fault nor the child's fault. It just is the way it is.
.

Apportioning 'Fault' where there is none, is the cause of much
heartbreak. Just as one can accept the people they work with
as being 'other directed' and not taking it on, so too with family.
Unfortunately, we seem to believe that these relationships
'have to' work.

Perhaps a generation or two ago, people 'forced' themselves to
put up the front, but not again.

I think just to realise there are many people in the same
situation is the 'message'.

Originally Posted by CarolineWH

As for me, it took me a while to truly move on. Maybe 40 years.
When I did then I grew. Found a part of me that I never knew.
Found I really like that part of me and that I had done nothing
wrong and that it was just the way it was.
Funny thing about this is that my family has been trying to tell
me this all the way along and I refused to accept.
I guess that I had just gotten used to being kicked in the teeth.
Now I feel sorry for the time that I wasted trying and trying
and trying and trying but I also realize that if I had not gone
in that way in life and wasted all that time trying and trying,
that I would not get to this place in time where I am now........
.

I think the key feature is when someone finally realises
that this is it, and moves on.

Of course it is all a journey of self, in which by excavating
the path to find the 'clues' and finding none, you confirm
what your family had been saying all along.
--------------

I know one very prestigious family in which the younger
son became a hopeless drug addict. And they spent
thousands of dollars trying to rehabilitate him.

Over and over and over again, and he'd be clean, get
a great job, and start using again, and lose it.

this man had more chances than a lottery, and each
time he came out clean, and got a fabulous job, and
everyone felt, okay, this will work...
he was using again.

When he was killed, (he, in a filthy stupor broke into
a clinic, went to steal drugs, and was shot by
security)
the older brother told those at the funeral;
"My brother died years ago. It is only now we
are burying the body."

He had come to the horrible but inexorable realisation
that his brother was lost and there was no chance of
regaining him years before he was killed.

It was nothing the parents had done, for the chap
when he was not on drugs was quite brilliant and
capable and could function at a high level.

But there was something in him that kept bringing
him back to the drugs, despite seven different
rehab treatments, all of which 'worked' for a
few months.

Oh and could I write my own book on this......I think there are many sad stories in many families. Just no more Clever's and Nelson's around. Saying this and despite being in , I am the happiest woman in the world......

Some one once wrote that most people live lives
of 'quiet desperation.'

If you've ever been through a hurricane you
immediately understand how many things are
not important, and how survival takes precedence.

Everything that was so important is forgotten.

After the hurricane you're stressed is based on
the physical discomfort; no light, no water, no
roof, nothing. But you're alive and you start to
focus on the small interactions you have with
others, the minor pleasures of drinking water,
washing yourself, eating.

Everything gets into the perspective that all
you have is yourself.

You never have anyone else. They are there,
but they belong to themselves as you belong
to yourself.

It's one of those Epiphanies which is really
quite basic that we don't realise.

If your children don't like you. Look in the mirror. You are doing something wrong. I have children and they tell me every night that I am the best mom in the world and they love me forever. I am kind, respectful and loving to my children in return they are the same to me.

No, Dragonfly, that's the knee jerk response.
That is making an assumption which does not
match the facts.

I delineated the category I'm discussing.
This is not the situation where the child
can report a series of abuse or neglect.

Asking the child what the parents did one
will not get the expected answer.

For example, a man worked two jobs so that
his kids would have a chance. They know this,
they are adults, they have kids.

You bring up a topic of how expensive it is
to raise kids, and they'll tell you about how
hard their Dad worked.

Yet, they'll add; "My father was never there!"

Now how do you match the two parts of the
sentence?

On one hand they recognise the sacrifices
their Dad made, yet in minutes, out pops
their anger and resentment.

Sometimes, when kids are young they will
think their parents are great, then they
grow up and decide they are embarrassed
by them, they find them burdensome and
annoying, and one can't find what the
parents did wrong.

Many parents can go back and recount stories
of great times they had with their kids
when the kids were little, and then maybe
even a few good times when they were
teenagers, but then all of a sudden they'll
hit the brickwall, where it changed.

I don't know why.
I want to be able to tell someone, okay,
do this, or it was that, or find an
answer, create a synthesis; but it's
elusive.

Recently, a woman died, and her kids and
grandkids were expected to be devastated
as they had always behaved as if they
worshipped her.

Nope.

Will.
Where's the Will?

They couldn't find the will, they were
angry at her, they quarrelled over the
property and it was...who are these
people?

There was no emotion there.

Dragon, that is the reason I started this thread.
There is no simple answer here.

Elana is the best example.

Her mother died about five years ago
her father three. I am the executor
of the will.

When her father died, I told Elana to
sell the house, I had buyers.

She responded that a Mrs. Fat, (neighbor)
informed her that her father had given her,
(Mrs. Fat) first refusal.

Stop here.

I am the family lawyer, wouldn't I have been
told that?
No.
Never heard it.

Further, as Elana's mother never liked this
neighbor, and as I had been Elana's mother's
best friend, Elana instantly accepted what
Mrs. Fat told her.

As the property had been left to Elana
once I completed that aspect, I became
an observer.

Mrs Fat got the keys, moved families
into the house. Families...
She collected rent.

This went on for a number of months.
A friend of Elana told me about this, thinking
I was 'in charge', (which I wasn't.)

Elana's friend got the tenants out, the keys
back, and found a decent people
to rent the house.

In August of 2007, Elana called me about
selling the house to the tenant.

I met the tenant. We discuss selling price.
He wants his own valuator, I'm comfortable
with that.

One week later Hurricane Dean arrives, puts
the house under water, and the Government
decides the area is not safe for human habitation.

I give you this entire story for you to ponder...
1) why did Elana refuse to allow me to sell the house?
2) why did Elana take the naked word of Miss Fat?

Had Elana not had her resentment for me as her
mother's friend, she would not have accepted the
neighbor's lie..

She accepted Mrs Fat's lie because her mother
didn't like Mrs. Fat and Elana was 'fixing' her
mother.

If I hadn't known the resentment Elana had
for her mother I might not have understood
why she behaved as she did.

I don't need anymore examples Kayla. It is not that hard to understand children. Children are not aliens from another planet. They need love, understanding, friendship, respect and most of all they need your time.