Thread: My Children Don't Like Me

When I begin to pick up the 'vibes', my first step
is to rule out obvious reasons.

Surely a parent who was abusive or neglectful
will provoke negative feelings in a victimised child,
but those who can not be accused of being anything
but good parent(s); that is where the puzzle begins.

Often, one will find that a very young age, someone
'poisoned' the child's mind against their parent(s).

For example, Kitty mentioned that 'her mother was
a liar.'

I asked her when she first realised this.

"I don't remember, I was very young, and..."

"Do you remember the first person you said this
to...think back...the very first person you said...
"My mother is a liar..."

Kitty came up with a name, and when I asked her
to reconstruct the conversation she had with 'Sandy'
who was about five years older than her, she realised
it was Sandy who said; "Your mother is biggest liar
I ever met."

When Kitty realised that at the time she was so
totally under the control of Sandy, (Kitty was
about six and Sandy was eleven) that anything
Sandy told her was absolute fact, and nothing
could change it.

This Epiphany, however was far too late for Kitty.
So many bad feelings had existed between them
that there was no way to repair the relationship.

Joanne's problem was that her mother was 'always right'.

Joanne's mother was 'always right', because Joanne was
always doing the kind of 'anti-mommy' thing as rebellion.

What Joanne most blamed her mother for, was that
her mother had tried to prevent her becoming sexually
involved when she was sixteen.

To prove her mother wrong, Joanne did engage in a
sexual relationship, did become pregnant, and did
go to her mother to pay for an abortion, as if it was
her mother's fault she was pregnant.

After the abortion, Joanne had something else to
blame her mother for, though the abortion had been
her idea.

That Joanne's mother could have forseen, (as any of
us could of) that the boy was simply there for sex and
that Joanne was no more than a convenient body,
so angered Joanne that to 'prove' her mother wrong
engaged in this pointless relationship.

Now it stretches the mind beyond logic to perceive
how Joanne could blame her mother for her disasterous
relationship and abortion, when it was her choice.

But this is one of the basics.
Illogic.

When someone is able to influence a child against a parent,
(usually unknown to the parent) a series of events take
place which pass as 'moodiness', or a generic 'what's wrong?'
'nothing'.

The parent has no way of knowing a 'Sandy' has wisphered
something in his/her child's ear, which the child choses to
believe.

A lucky parent someone discovers this and without saying;
"Sandy is a vicious evil sick creature", proves that she is
the liar.

Most parents are not lucky.

Occasionally a child overhears something, misunderstands it.

For example, Frannie thought she was adopted.
This is because she partially overheard something her
step father said.

Her father had died before she was three years old, and
her mother had remarried in a year, so at the age of four
she had a daddy. At the age of eight hearing a step-
sibling say; "He's not your real daddy, he's my daddy!"
made her think that she had been adopted.

This went on until she was about ten and learned about
her father/mother/stepfather.

Many times children don't ask the right question, nor
does the parent know there is a question, so it is
very difficult to assauge fears or misconceptions when
a parent is unaware of them.

Sometimes, when a parent tries to separate their child
from a Sandy, the child will tell the Sandy, who will
respond, "That's because I always tell you the truth,"
or something which casts the parents into a bad light.

These 'seeds' sometimes bear fruit which poisons the
relationship and it seems nothing the parent(s) do will
ever destroy that poison.

Although it is painful, there comes a time when a parent
or parents appreciate that the child they have raised
dislikes them intensely.

Often, this can be betrayed when the child, having left
home will phone the house and ask to speak to the other
parent, seeming to have no patience nor anything to say
to this one:

"Hi Mommy, how are you? Let me speak to Daddy," and spend hours
having a conversation.

Sometimes this can be seen when the child asks someone
else, a stranger, to do something his or her parent is certainly
capable of doing.

For example, Keith's father was a math teacher but he
preferred to go over to Craig's house to study math.

Such an action hurts the parent in ways never imagined,
and it is not accidental. It is the child lashing out for some reason.

Now the parent might sit Keith down and ask him why,
and maybe he might say; "You make me feel ******..."
which is a great answer, because it is an answer.

More often it will be; "Why can't I study with Craig,"

Which is not an answer.
Which is saying; "I don't want YOU to help me."

Trying to discover the animosity on your own is not
going to be fruitful. The child has developed mechanisms
to lock out the parent(s)

Sometimes a third party might be able to uncover the
root cause, sometimes even a peer who is not so
guarded can reveal unbelievable depths of your child's
psyche.

Then it is your response which is going to be the most
crucial.

Children who have developed barring mechanisms can
not be reached by 'reverse' psychology or any kind
of direct response.

They believe the worst of their parents.

They have to believe they are 'overhearing' something
they are not meant to hear, for them to believe it.

Hence, Keith's father saying to his mother, "I feel
so badly. I want to help Keith but he prefers Craig."

Which proves to Keith that his method was 'successful',
but that his father really does care.

Other times a child has built up such a resistence to
a parent(s) that there is simply nothing one can do.

At this point, the relationship is tenuous, and to be
maintained, even in it's thinest form, the parents
retreat.

They stop thinking that this is their son or daughter
and that they are part of this child's life, and begin
to treat the child with respect and distance.

The child will usually prefer this distance and chose
when and where to contact the parents, if necessary.

There is nothing a parent can do.
It is for the child to either recognise his or her error
or live with it.

It is for the parent to accept that this child of their
bodies is not the child of their soul, and cease to
fight to gain a foothold in his or her life.

Just as Elana could preside over her mother's funeral
where there were no flowers, (her mother loved flowers)
no speeches, (and her mother loved entertaining where
everyone would say something), no big wake, (where
as above, having the big dinner/****tail/New years
Party was her mother's hallmark.

In short, Elana created a funeral of the kind her
imaginary mother would have preferred, not her
mother, because she disliked the woman so much
she couldn't even honour her wishes in death.

Now Iris, in the above example, is a woman who has
come to terms with her daughter's animosity.

She does not beat herself up, she does not think
about what she should have done differently,
for Ruth's 'world view' is so totally opposed to
her mother's that over the decades became a kind
of 'tell me what you believe in so I can take the anti'.

During earlier years, before Ruth was aware of sarcasm,
Iris would advocate a view for Ruth to dispel, then laugh
and say; "Of course! I was being sarcastic!"
forcing Ruth to have 'agreed' with her.

This angered Ruth, because it revealed that Iris saw
through her.

As Iris was prepared for Ruth's behaviour, she was not
hurt, as Ruth intended. This, of course, leads to more
anger from Ruth as her plan failed.

Ruth got married without any of her family present.
And of course, it is Iris' fault. Because Iris did not
have the money nor inclination to sit in a car for
three hours with a man who had betrayed her so
many times.

Ruth's aunts, (her father's sisters) expecting Iris
to pay their way were annoyed at her;
"Imagine, her own daughter is getting married and
she is too cheap to hire a car."
Not appreciating that Ruth's daughter could have
married in the city in which they lived, so as to
make it convenient for everyone.

The reason I belabour the point, is that many times,
women as Iris are made to feel that they did something
wrong, that they are at fault.

Fortunately, Iris was not effected by the attitude
of the father or his sisters, as she had prepared
herself for this kind of situation.

In fact one wonders if Ruth had planned the wedding,
not to marry George, but to force her mother into
the most uncomfortable, expensive and miserable
position she could be in.

Shelly has a very similar story to Iris,
save she was driven down by a family friend
who had been invited.

Anita knew that unless she drove Shelly,
Shelly would not attend.

The relationship between mother and daughter
had gone sour many years before, and there
seemed no particular reason.

Shelly had given her daughter quality time,
in fact, spoiled Emily rotten.

Emily had become a Barbie Doll, where being
pretty and in style was the most important
things; education, integrity, charm, intelligence
were cast off as cobwebs.

Emily was referred to as 'Hilary', (the sister on
the Fresh Prince) for she was a virtual clone.

When Shelly arrived in the company of Anita,
Emily pointedly told her;

"Don't say anything, don't embarrass me,"

which is rather peculair coming from a child
who barely scraped out of High School to her
mother who held a Master's in Economics and
had a rather prestigious job.

Shelly, however, took it with amusement, and when
toasts were being made, and everyone turned to her,
she stated;

"Emily told me not to say anything," and turned away.

Of course this was the big scandal, which Emily
wanted to claim 'ruined' her wedding.

However, Anita could toss; "Emily, you told your
mother not to speak!"

Which changed the entire complexion of the
gathering.

The entire reception became a psycho drama
in which one after another guest went to Shelly
to find out what the relationship was, and later
the groom's family had a tete a tete with her,
much to Emily's annoyance.

What was in Emily's mind seems that she wanted
Shelly to be left behind, so as to 'prove' some sort
of 'rejection'.

For some reason Emily has this image of her mother
which is very far from the truth.

As Shelly is aware of this;

"Look, I'm the parent, I'm the adult. Whatever is
going on in Emily's fantasy world, I am not going
to participate. That her in-laws now appreciate
that whatever she has told them about me is not
true, should lead to some positive change in our
relationship."

Liz, critiquing her mother;

"She always needs to be the centre of attention
and spoils everything for me!"

Now, you wait for the smile, because it sounds
like a joke; but to Liz it is absolutely real.

Nothing her mother does can please her.

When Liz was at Primary and her mother joined
and held a post in the PTA, Liz was 'embarrassed'.

When Liz's mother was nominated for President
of the PTA and declined, Liz was 'embarrassed.'

In short, nothing her mother could do pleased Liz.

Now one would like to be able to uncover the
'Sandy' in Liz's past, for clearly there seems to
be some outside force. But it may simply be that
Liz feels she can not 'live up to' her mother, so
to hide her own feelings of inferiority decides that
her mother, regardless of what side she takes or
what she does, is 'wrong'.

As soon as a parent appreciates that no matter
what s/he does will be 'wrong' in the eyes of
the child, a weight drops off the shoulders.

As with Shelly and Emily below....

Emily told her mother not to speak, her mother
obeyed, then Emily attacked her mother
for not speaking...

The problem is not in Shelly, it is in
Emily.

Until such time as Emily can overcome her
own feelings of inadequacy, she will continue
to blame Shelly for whatever she does/doesn't do.

The first thing one realises, as the parent,
one is ALWAYS wrong.

If you work hard to provide, you are 'neglecting'
the child.

If you make 'quality time', you are forcing the
child to be with you.

If you quit your job to be there 24/7, you are
smothering,

In short, you got the wrong baby at the
hospital.

What hurts parents so much is that 'other people's
children' seem to love and accept their parents.

At a particular function, Sherika was being given
an award. Her mother was not there, but arrived
late.

Sherika understood that her mother belonged to
some club and going to a meeting was more important
than seeing her daughter receive this award.

Andrea's mother was at every single PTA meeting,
every track meet, everything that happened at
the school, Andrea's mother was there.

Andrea hated the fact her mother was there.
Saying things like, "why did you wear that?'
'you can go now', as rudely as possible.

Tony never told his father when the graduation
ceremony would be. He didn't want his father
there.

His father learned the date and arrived and
Tony was angry and annoyed to the extent
he virtually chased his father away.

Other boys, whose fathers, hadn't shown up
were stunned and it became the talking point
among the batchmates, all wondering what
Tony's father had done...some going into
sexual molestation, others into beatings,
and Tony wound up in verbal battles with
his friends, for his father had never done
anything to him, save divorce his mother.

There is no blueprint, no magic, no instant
reconcilliation.

Many children will bury their parents holding
the animosity, some will 'wake up' and realise
they have spent their lives warring against
their superegos in the guise of their parents.

As a parent do not beat yourself up.
If there is anything you need to do for the
child, do it, and step back.
Ask the child, 'do you want me to come to...'
and don't be hurt by the 'no'.
Ask the child, 'do you want to go with me to...'
instead of thinking you are giving quality time
when the child is interpreting it as 'punishment'.

Logic has nothing to do with it.

Don't be surprised if you child prefers to sit
in a swing next door than go with you to
the amusement park.

Don't be hurt when a child choses to be
with other people.

Leave it alone.

Make your offer, be rejected, and leave it alone.
Whatever mental constructs your child had made,
he or she has to dismantle them on his or her own.