Thread: My mother, and being a mother

I need to vent about some things I guess. This has bothered me since I had my daughter. My mother has made some mistakes with us kids to say the least. She married my Dad when she was 16. She already had my oldest sister (from another father) and living with my grandmother, from how she explained it, was . I think that was her first mistake. I don't think she loved my dad. I think she saw him as a ticket out of there. But she had 3 more kids with him. They have been married 27 years until about a month ago. They are going through a divorce right now. But anyway, back to my childhood. The first time I can remember wishing that my mom cared more was when I was 14. My best friend died in a car accident. I was so depressed. I didn't leave my bedroom for 2 weeks. I dropped out of school within a few months and started doing drugs. Pot, meth, coke, alcohol. Anything that could numb me at least for a little while. Never did my mom notice. Until the night that she found me walking down the street in the middle of summer wearing a huge down coat. I had taken 16 cough and cold pills and wasn't doing good. She took me home and called an ambulance. I had to have my stomach pumped and almost died. But within 3 three days I was out at a party and drank so much I got alcohol poisining. I was 15 at this time. Well, in the next couple years I stole her car and totaled it. I was very high on meth at the time. I moved in with a boyfriend and she never noticed I was gone. At 16 she started partying with me. The biggest party I have ever thrown was with her at our house. Its a freaking wonder I ever got my GED. But when I did you can bet that we threw a massive party. She was the drunkest one, of course, dirty dancing with all my boyfriends friends. Then when I was 17 I found out the biggest secret she ever had. My dad was not my biological father. When my uncle was murdered a long time ago she slept with his best friend while she was out of town to be at the trial. She came home pregnant. She never told anyone until she was really drunk and told my boyfriend when I was drunk and passed out. He told me a while later and even showed me the picture she had of him. When I asked her about it, she was drunk and said "Are you ****ing ******? You can't tell the difference between your younger sister and brother, and you and your older sister?" My older sister and I look almost like twins. And my little sister and brother have the same facial structure and body type. I never thought I had a reason to look at that. But looking at the picture of him, I know its true. I look so much like him. At first, I wanted to get in touch with him, but I decided that with my dad not knowing about it, I didn't want to. My dad hasn't always been perfect, but he is the only dad I can see myself having. My husband thinks I am crazy for this but I have made this decision and I really feel that it is best. I got pregnant when I was 17. My mom never explained to me the importance of birth control. She never took me to the doctor and put me on it when she found out I was having sex. I got into a car accident when I was about 3 months along. I got a huge settlement since it wasn't my fault. But the check came in her name because I was underage. She put it in her bank account and told me I could have it when I needed it. Within a couple weeks she kicked me out of the house. I would have had enough money to get into my own place but she had already spent it all. I had to move into my boyfriends parents house until he saved up enough money to get us into a place. He did and we have been stable ever since. Its been 3 years since then and I have learned to understand that I can't count on my mom for any kind of advice, support. My husband has been the one person in my life that I can count on for anything. A few months ago I got a phone call from her at 2:00 am. She was at a bar and needed a ride home.My husband came with me to go get her. She was so drunk, trying to go home with guys (this was before her and my dad split up) so I practically had to drag her out of that bar by her hair. Finally I got her in the car and she started going crazy. Jumping up in the front seat trying to lick my husband on the face. Going from laughing then to crying, then screaming. Then yelling at me because I am no fun anymore and don't know how to have a good time. It was pouring rain and I was hydroplaining every second. I screamed "SHUT THE **** UP" about 40 times before we finally got to her house. I just couldn't believe that my mother was putting me through this. After I dropped her off someone supposedly "pushed" her into a fire hydrant that is in the front yard. She knocked out all of her front teeth. She blamed it on me. Saying that I was mad at her. Yeah, I was mad at her, but I would have never done that. She was drunk and fell. I am sure of it. I have told her since then that I cannot allow my daughter to be around her when she is drinking. I cannot see how I could ever do this to my daughter. I have learned so much from her on how not to raise my daughter. I don't drink at all. I quit doing every drug the day I found out I was pregnant. I focus on my relationship with my husband to make sure that it is strong and so she never lays in bed at night listening to us fighting like I did. I am just so scared that if I ever stop focusing on this I will end up doing the same things to my daughter. And since it has been all I can think about I am so stressed. I have lived my life totally for them. I don't do anything for myself because I am afraid that it will be selfish. I know that even though I am a mother I need to still be myself. But I haven't done that. I am totally focused on being Brittneys mom and Ryans wife. I don't want to put her through all those things because I am focused on myself. I am sorry this is so long and if you took the time to read it, thank you. I need some help on how to let go of all these horrible things she did and still trust that I will be a good mom without living in fear that I will screw up. Please, any suggestions. This has been hanging over my head since the day my daughter was born. I love her. She is my whole world. But she the only thing in my life and I don't want it to be any other way. If I put her to the side even a little bit, I am afraid I will be sending her down the same path I went down.