My parents and family are having problems with my elderely grandmother

**browneyes106** · 10-10-2007 01:26 PM

Hi everyone,

My 95-year-old maternal grandmother is currently living with my parents. She has dementia and the way she is taking a toll on my family. Before she had dementia she has always been a cold and verbally abusive person. She has verbally abused my mom in the past. At this point she causing a lot of problems for my parents and they can't really do a lot of things for themselves because they are always tied up with my grandmother. My mother is considering putting her in a nursing home. There are many people who think putting a parent in a nursing home is bad but what do you all think. My parents are thinking of her as well as themselves.

**rcoreyus** · 10-10-2007 06:05 PM

Both my parents are in a nursing home, both with dementia. My mother has been there for about 4 years now, my father just went in - was in assisted living before. A nursing home is a terrible place - the closest thing to on earth that I can imagine - but there is no alternative. As dementia gets worse (as it usually does), the amout of care the elderly person requires increases to the point where it is not reasonable for the family to care for them.

When I get old, if my mind goes, I hope I am able to kill myself, but if I am too far gone for that, I hope me family locks me up somewhere where I will not ruin anyone else's life.

This is very harsh to say, but most of those in nursing homes are already dead. Please don't sacrifice the happiness of the living to the already dead.

Put your grandmother in a nursing home - and swear to yourself or to whatever you hold sacred that when your time comes you will not be a burden to your family. That way you (and your mother) can live your lives, and your descendants can live theirs.

I feel very strongly about this. My parents have both been miserable for the past 4 years. They have spent their entire life savings (nursing homes are ~$5000/month). If only they had spent their money when they were healthy enough to enjoy it. If only they had spent time with me when they could still recognize me. if only they could die now, rather than continue in this horror.

**JubesInquest** · 10-11-2007 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by browneyes106

Hi everyone,

My 95-year-old maternal grandmother is currently living with my parents. She has dementia and the way she is taking a toll on my family. Before she had dementia she has always been a cold and verbally abusive person. She has verbally abused my mom in the past. At this point she causing a lot of problems for my parents and they can't really do a lot of things for themselves because they are always tied up with my grandmother. My mother is considering putting her in a nursing home. There are many people who think putting a parent in a nursing home is bad but what do you all think. My parents are thinking of her as well as themselves.

If you're parents aren't able to take of your grandmother, then they probably should put her in a medical setting.

Dementia only gets worse and medical treatment is necessary.

**housewife** · 10-21-2007 11:30 AM

I have different opinion here,
I was raised to respect elders, it dos not matter whether she is my grandmother or a stranger.

when people get older they act strangely, my grandmother changed after her husband died, she was 80 at that time, she used to to be verbally abusive to everyone, including me.

no one ever was upset, we understood that this was part of aging. we took good care of her,until she died.
we did our part, never blamed ourselves for being bad caregivers.

now, how long would a 95 year old lady live more?
try to handle the situation, and be patient.
ask yourself this, do want to spend the last years of your life in a nursing home. if not, then don't do it to someone whom you love.

**rcoreyus** · 10-21-2007 04:15 PM

Unfortunately medical care is now very good at keeping people alive, even when it is really time for them to die. My mother has not been able to talk, feed herself, bath herself or use the toilet herself for 4 years now. For the last year she has not been able to walk at all. She might live several more years. She needs care all of the time. That is a very long time to ask the family to take care of her.

I would rather live in a nursing home than be a burden to my family. Honestly though I would much rather die than either. I think that when you are failing so badly that you cannot recoginize your own family, and that your life is a misery, it is really time to die. Until recently that is what would happen - but now we can keep people alive long after they would naturally have died

This is not an easy decision. But I still think we should not sacrifice the living to care for the dead.

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My parents and family are having problems with my elderely grandmother

we all will be old ladies someday.

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