Thread: His family hates me

im also hispanic. half and i kno how u feel ..my mother in law is mexican..and i just say u cant let it bring u down..people r ignorant .nothing u say will change..they will try and flip it around...i feel exactlly the same way as u...can i ask what do they say ? ive been married 2 yrs and as u kno hispanic love family..and i dont like my mother in law..she makes rude comments..sheleaves me alone and doesnt talk to me..but something i have learned is ur not married to them..u can just discuss with ur fiance ur concerns..dont come off to strong cuz ur offending his family..all that truly matters is YOUR relationship and your love for eachother.. i hope it helps

This is a marriage killer.
This kind of hate, and I know exactly what you mean
and the word is not misused, destroys a marriage.

Everything you do is going to be wrong. And having
a child for this man is going to lead to a tug of war.

I can tell you horror stories of relationships where every
little argument, which could have been settled, is a major
war in which his people step in and you are 'outvoted'.

Some people who pretend to be 'liberal' are silent racists
and they are like...integration is fine..not here.

It never gets better, it only gets worse.
And there is very little option for you.

You can stop attending all family functions, and never
visit or see them again.

This means they get the wonderful chance to excoriate you
in front of your husband, and introduce him to more
'suitable' females.

You can go and be treated like dirt, and eventually you
might be pushed to breaking point, so that they can
then turn around and say, 'see!'

Either you and your fiance move far away and virtually
cut them off, or you prepare yourself to live in a never
ending drama.

I agree with Kjersi.... Remember you love him and will be married to him, family does hold on things, but it doesn't have to be the Killer. I have been married for almost 15 yrs, this last summer my father in law told my husband he wished he had stayed married to the girl just before me ( it was annulled) they have never really accepted me even though they talk sickening sweet to my face, I know they talk bad behind my back to everyone else including my husband, but me and my husband keep a great communication line open. And I never try to keep him from his family and HE knows that, over the years he has seen what go's on,
ok so this is my suggestion, go with him to his family events be supportive for him, and don't let them ignore you, follow them, get involved talk in their conversations ,offer suggestions, and play with the kids ( if any)and enjoy it because you are needling them, because now they won't be able to tell him, you are ignoring them, and that you don't want to be involved with Them. When they see that you are a permanant fixture in their life they will adapt. but be ready it will take years, and there will be ups and downs, But you show your man you are on his side...when push comes to shove he will be on yours. If he feels you are pulling him away from his family he will resent you. this way is more subtle and i will be his choice how to handle his family. My husband will stand up for me.....not living in the same town helps too.

Sorry Jubes, but I disagree with the end of your post. Mother-in-law issues... this is a bad battle to have to fight. First of all, if he is going to pretend he doesn't see the way his family treats you, he's always going to do that. He doesn't want to upset Mama, he doesn't want to upset you. But eventually, when that ring is on your finger, you are supposed to be the number one woman in his life. The fact that he doesn't believe you when you tell him what they say makes warning bells go insane in my head. He is already telling you you're wrong.

When you marry a man in a close-knit family, you marry his family too. You want a man AND a family that is going to love and support both of you and your marriage.

I was going to say something about showing him how they treat you - talk to them while he's sitting next to you so he can see how they treat you, but why should you do that to yourself? Its already been four years. Honey, if he doesn't take your side now, he never will.

If he can't man up and demand his family treat you with respect, please find a man who will.

You are an outsider. You are being kept an outsider.
This isn't the first few days where they are hesitant
and unsure; they don't want you in the family.

They will perform a set of antics when the opportunity
arises.

If he takes your side and they feel they are losing him,
they will be ringing up 24/7 demanding his arrival...

"Mama sick", is always the best one.

Your life is going to be very sad, because he doesn't
even notice. Or, if he notices, he doesn't care.

Think of it like this....

You are with a guy and your best friends are aghast.
You say; "Relax, he's just my escort for this function,
there's no relationship between us."

So their treatment of him as an outsider is not a problem.
He is an outsider, he's just there tonight and won't be
with you again, so they ignore him and if they have anything
personal to say to you, they take you aside.

The guy, in the example, knows you are not really his date,
so is not particularly upset by being treated as an outsider,
he is an outsider.

That is the way your man's family is treating you. As an
outsider.

The question is, what did he say to them?

We know he didn't say; "If you don't accept her, you
don't accept me."

We know he didn't say; "I want you to be nice to her."

We know he didn't tell them that you are a permanent
fixture in his life.

If he had, things would be different.
So what did he tell them?

that you're holding a space until someone else comes
along? That he just has you to warm his bed? What
did he tell them?

i dont necessarily believe that...i think it doesnt matter if his family is one way that doesnt mean he is....i know becuz me and my husband struggled with this issue..his mother..its how your raised..its like if a parent keeps telling a child they r dumb are worthless than they begin to believe that...my mother in law is ..the kind that makes rude comments but then acts as if shes joking..she gets mad or jealous if my husband wants me to cook instead of her...she said the same thing that i was keeping him away. i always tried to explain how i felt but i was doing it in the wrong way..you need to find the right way..the way that doesnt come off as offensive to his family...becuz as the rest of the world can see their fault he is blind to them being raised by them......i kno exactly what u feel and it can only ruin ur relationship if u let it..be strong...your love for each other is stronger than their petty hatred for you that WILL subside..eventually they will see they cant push you away!!