I miss my dad

**jen0519** · 12-05-2007 12:01 PM

I have a problem. I never had a "real" dad. My dad was always gone. When I was very young, he was in the Navy and was out to sea most of the time. By the time he was done in the Navy, he and my mom divorced. He left Texas to move to Colorado. I stayed behind with my mom. I remember it so clearly. He and my mom had a fight on Labor Day. I was watching Drop Dead Fred. He was supposed to go pick up my sister. He came back 3 hours later without her. By that time she was already home with us. I remember my mom calling him an *******. Then he came out of the bedroom and pushed her out the back door. We could hear him yelling at her. We tried to open the door but he was holding it shut so tight. My little sister and I pulled and pulled but it wouldn't move. Then my older brother came into the house and pulled the door open with no problem. At 7 I watched my brother hold a knife to my dads throat while he called 911. When he was leaving he told me that he was going on a fishing trip and he would be back in a few days. The next time I saw him was when I was 13. We came to colorado to visit him. Soon after my mom told us that we were moving there. I hated her for it. They got remarried when I was 14. Time passed. My dad became a firefighter. Which was another job where he was gone for days at a time. At that time, I didn't think that I missed him. He was the stick in the mud. My mom was the cool one. We drank together all the time. We had the biggest parties at our house. And she bought all the alcohol. I was about 16. I think she was lonely. I was someone to drink with. When I was 17 She told me that my dad wasn't my dad. That she had cheated and I was what happened. She gave me a picture of this guy and told me where he lived. For a while I thought about getting in touch with him. It all seemed like too much drama. I decided that I had a dad. One who changed my diapers. Took me to the pool. I remember when he took me bra shopping for the first time. He made the lady at target measure me! I was so embarrassed!! I let it go. He didn't know about it, and I didn't want to inflict that much pain on him. Even though none of it was my fault. I felt like it would have been for bringing it all out. I got pregnant. I now have a husband and family of my own. My husband tells me all the time that I need to find him. That the abuse and abandonment that i went through is not normal. Neither of my parents ever paid attention to me. I did what I wanted. I started drinking and doing drugs at 14. They thought it was just hormones when I was coming down off meth and screaming at them and throwing things around. My parents are going through another divorce now. Luckily, I have my own house now. But the other night, I met my dad's new girlfriend. She was nice. I want him to be happy. She has 3 kids of her own. The youngest is 8. As we were leaving, I got into the car with my sister and he was taking them out to see a movie. While they were getting in the car I heard him say something. It reminded me of when I used to go do things with him. At that point I felt like they were trying to steal my dad. It was like, I didn't get to be around him when I was 8, why should you? He doesn't ever call me. I haven't heard from him since then. I know that he is spending all of his free time with her. I feel like he is staring over with a new family. I know that we can't change things that have happened in the past. But I forgave him for so much when I made the decision to not find my real father. He was very abusive when i was a teenager. He punched me in the face, kicked me out of the car 4 miles away from home in the middle of winter. But I let all of that go. I said to myself that we all make mistakes. And I try to think about the good times. But what if this guy could make me feel like I have a dad? What if he did those father things. Like call me everyday. Take me out to lunch. Babysit my daughter. Whats the point of trying not to hurt him, when I am so hurt by the way he has treated me? But I am scared. What if this other guy wants nothing to do with me. What if I tell my dad all of this for nothing. I am so confused and so hurt. All I wanted growing up was one of those dads that sat out on the front porch with a shotgun when I went out on dates. I am sure I would of hated it at the time. But at least I would have known that he cared enough about me to try and scare guys off. I moved my first boyfriend into our house when i was 15. He wasn't there enough to notice. i am staring to think that I need to find my real dad. I know his name, the city he lives in. I have never even tried. Maybe I wouldn't feel so uncared about.

**kimmie** · 12-05-2007 10:41 PM

Life is about forgiveness. Not just forgiving someone but forgiving yourself. It sounds like you carry a lot of guilt and resentment you shouldn't. You can't change the past, nor can you change others. I spent many years wondering about my dad. I aksed the same questions would he like me, would he love me, would he even want to know me? I waited to long. My father passed away before I had the courage to meet him. Don't make the same mistake. You cant change your past but you can change your future. It may hurt feelings for you to meet him. I think you will find that will all subside in time. You will also feel complete. You may not like what you find, but it is better than not knowing. You may find you love what you find. I found out I had twin sisters. When I walked into the room I felt like I belonged right away. I saw many of my characteristics in them. I will always wonder how much I am like my father. At the same time I have also added memebers to my family I love very much. My mom was a bit hurt at first. She then realized I did it for me, not to hurt anyone. Don't dwell on what you can't change. Instead remind yourelf everyday how lucky you are. Remember that mistakes were made and yet you overcame and moved on in a positive direction. Meet your father for the right reasons. To make your life more full. Remember your kids learn to find happiness and be happy from you.

**jen0519** · 12-06-2007 01:27 PM

Its really nice to hear something positive for once. Its been something that we just don't talk about in my family. My older sister went through the same type of thing. But it wasn't a big secret. My mom already had my sister when she met my dad. My sister went her whole life knowing that she had a different dad, but she had never met him. She found him on the internet, thinking that he would change her life. She flew out and met him. They talked for a while. But he has never tried to be in her life since. Thats what I am afraid of happening. That I will cause all this hurt to the dad I have known my whole life, for nothing. I know that it was my mothers mistake. But it will be me bringing it all back up. I found his address and phone number yesterday. I could call him right now. But I can't think of the words to say. I don't know if he even knows about me. How would I say it? This is what has kept me from doing anything about it for the last four years. What if he is this great guy? What if he is the kind of dad that I have always wanted. But what if he is not? My husband is all for me finding him. He even offered to call him. But I think that my mother should be the one to make that call. After all, she cheated on her husband. She knew the whole time I was growing up. I can't understand how she could sleep at night. And the way she told me was horrible. She told my ex-boyfriend. He told me. And I was so shocked. I didn't say anything to her for a few days. My ex showed me a picture that she had shown to him. I looked just like him. I talked to my older sister about it, and she told my mom i knew. Well, my mom came to me so drunk. And she said that I was ****** for not knowing. That I look just like my older sister and nothing like my brother or my little sister. That it was my fault. Yeah, there is a lot of guilt here. My mom is such a bad mom. This isn't the only thing she has done to me. I have let so much go. I still love her. But I have learned how not to be a mother from her. I want to call him. I am just to scared. I am scared of that first phone call and what will happen after. Holding his phone number in my hand makes me want to cry. I will never know how he would treat me. How did you find your family? What did you say to them? How should I tell him? This is so confusing for me. I love my dad, the one that raised me. He made mistakes but he always tried to do his best. I don't want to hurt him like this. Everybody in my family always tells me that I am his little angel. He does anything for me. He sees that my tires are bad and he makes me go to big o and he calls and gives them his credit card. I have always gotten anything I wanted from him. Money wise. Thats how my parents are though. I call my mom and say I need a favor and she says how much money do you need. But if the favor was I wanted her to go shopping with me, she won't do it. Time is more important than money. That is something i will show my daughter. I don't know. I am rambling because I am confused. Thanks for your response. If you could tell me how you made that first phone call to tell them that you were looking for him, that might help. I can't think of the words to say.

**Fallen1** · 12-06-2007 02:02 PM

You mentioned that you have your father's address, if you are hesitant/nervous about contacting him maybe you could write him a letter giving him your phone and address and let it be his choice as to whether or not he contacts you.

**kimmie** · 12-06-2007 04:06 PM

Since you are unaware of your mom's state of mind at the time of the affair, it really does no good to dewell on it. People make mistakes. Some things seem like a good idea at the time and then the ramifications of what has been done set in after. You cant be held accountable for things that are out of your control. Be honest and less feelings will be hurt.
I first contacted my sisters through a letter. This may be easier for you. Once you have extended the olive branch it is up to him to decide what to do with it. Remember people react to things differently. He may need some time to process what has happened. I truly believe things happen for a reason.
I know you are concerned about your dad's feelings. If he really truly doesn't know about the affair, maybe you should meet this other man first and make sure you want him to be a part of your life. Then talk one on one with your dad. Make sure you tell him and not someone else. If you find out that this other man does not want to know you or he isnt someone you want around, then you can move on and spare your dad's feelings.
Honestly, though I would be very surprised if your dad really does not know about the affair. Maybe that's why they spilt up for awhile. Being young really makes it so you are not privey to a lot of info. There are a lot of unknowns in your situation.
Again, make sure you are doing this to make your life more full. You can't change the past you can only make a better future. I grew up without a father and I know what it is like to want to fill that void. It took a long time for me to learn that even if I hed met him as an adult it would not change my childhood. He was not going to make the voids in childhood disappear. Now having learned he died, I had the choice be angry and dewell on it forever OR make the most of all I have. In life I think we spend a lot of time looking at what we dont have instead of what we do have. Be thankful everyday for your husband and your child. Be thankful that you learned from your mother's mistakes.

**dr.mansview** · 12-09-2007 04:13 PM

Originally Posted by Fallen1

You mentioned that you have your father's address, if you are hesitant/nervous about contacting him maybe you could write him a letter giving him your phone and address and let it be his choice as to whether or not he contacts you.

i like that idea "fallen1"..put the ball in his court..as for "jen0519"; whatever way you decide to approach this, don't get your hopes too high..expect the worst and anything more will be a bonus..you sound very strong to me since you have forgiven much in your young life..good luck..

**jen0519** · 12-10-2007 10:04 AM

In my family, you have to learn to forgive. Or at this point I would have no family anymore. I am only 20, but I was pushed to grow up by the time I was 13. It makes so much sense to me now. Why I dropped out of high school, started doing drugs. I was pregnant at 17. When my best friend died, I took it really hard. And my parents were just too busy. And if I tried to have one of them help me with something, it just caused fights between them. So I learned to deal with things within myself. I never needed rehab to get off drugs. It was hard to. I had done meth for 3 years. I can look so happy on the outside and be miserable on the inside. But, I have realized that a lot of kids have come from worse households and that it is no excuse to keep screwing up my life. Like I said before. I learned how NOT to be a mother from mine. I have kinda thrown my whole self into it though. I am a stay at home mom. But it has its rewards. I know that I will never be too busy for my child. And I will be with her father as long as our relationship is good. I love him a lot, but if someday I don't feel that way I wouldn't stay like my mom did. I keep holding myself back from finding this guy because I am worried I will hurt my dad. But my dad has done so many things to hurt me. I could go 6 months without talking to him, and he wouldn't notice. I have learned to not rely on them at all. But more than hurting my dad, I am worried that this other guy will not want to talk to me. I don't really think I am ready to find him yet. I have gotten close before, but I always realize that its not the right time for me. Who knows if it will ever be time. I don't know. But every once in a while i start to think about him.

**kimmie** · 12-10-2007 02:09 PM

The first contact is the hardest. There is no easy way. A thought, it may be easier for you to keep it short and simple. I just found out , I am shocked you probably are too, can we meet. The worst thing that can happen is you don't hear back from him. You are smart in waiting until it is right for you. It brings out a lot of emotions. It takes awhile to process everything. Really, it took me a couple of years to really grasp the deepth of things. I would like to tell you there is a way to do this without hurting feelings. There really isn't though. Rememeber it isnt about anyone but you. Truly, if your dad is hurt by it, it isnt your fault. Someone else created this situation, not you. Trust your heart and you will be just fine.

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