Thread: I know I hurt my mom, real bad

Jen,

I don't think you ought to be feeling like the worse daughter in the world. Like you said, your mother needs in-patient mental health care.... DESPERATELY.

Your mother's therapist doesn't sound like a very good one at all. If your mother has made all these different suicide attempts, she absolutely belongs in a psyche ward. They will have her in restraints so that she does not hurt herself or others.

She is severely depressed (is she also bi-polar?) and she needs more careful examination for her condition.

You got angry and you "went off" on your mother and you let her know how you feel, going all the way back to when you were a child. I think every child has a right to expect that their mother will bake cookies and bread and other goodies and spend time with them. Sometimes it just doesn't happen that way.
You missed this with your own mother, and you're hurt and angry. I understand that.

I know that there are people that blame everyone else when things go wrong in their life. They do that because it's easier than owning up to their own mistakes or mishaps; besides, they get to take out their frustration on the person that they rely on to fix their problems.
This is not healthy at all.

You are not supposed to clean up your mother's messes. You are a young adult with your own responsibilities and your mother was (IMO) in the wrong for asking your in-laws to let her live with them. What happened with her living with the boyfriend? Did he treat her wrong? She doesn't need to be in a relationship UNTIL she's got her mental health situation under control.

Anyway, she knew that the in-law situation was a very temporary one. She doesn't seem to realize that she is imposing on their lives and they will get angry about that -- not that they are mean or anything; just that anybody will do that, because they wind up having to change their life around when they are already settled into their own routines.

Jen, whoever can sign your mother into a mental health facility should do so. This is no joke. Her mental health is hanging in the balance and she's not getting the help she really needs. Since you can't find her, have you made a missing person's report out to the police? Get in touch with the authorities and see if you can get a recent picture of her in their hands. Let them know she has a history of mental-health problems and that she is in desperate need of medical attention. Let them know she's had suicide attempts. When they find her, they will get her into a mental-health facility.

Let us know what happens.

Call the police on her. There's a law in my state that if a person attempts suicide, they go immediately into a ward, and it did my own mother at least some well.
My mother is clinically diagnosed with Panic Anxiety Syndrome (though I would argue that she has other dysfunctions as well) and I know where you are. It's awful, and she might not even remember doing the mean things after she's "snapped out of" her depression ... but you still will.
I just had to shut off emotion from my mother. I don't know if that will help ME, but it's what I've done for now. I'm going to see the counselor on campus (someday when my pride and busy schedule don't get in the way) because I know it's affected me ... and you probably should try to see a therapist of some kind, too. Free is best.
Best of luck!

There's a law in my state that if a person attempts suicide, they go immediately into a ward

That's what I'm talking about.
That's what perplexes me about her mom's therapist. After ONE suicide attempt, the mother should have immediately been hospitalized. Makes me wonder where did that therapist get his/her license from ....

Instead, her mother was left to make even MORE suicide attempts and her condition is not improving; but rather it's deteriorating.

I talked to her yesterday. Which was a horrible mistake! The therapist she is seeing is at a veterans hospital in Colorado. I tried telling that lady that she told me she wanted to die. I didn't find out about the suicide attempt until after we left. She is bi-polar. I did everything I could to get her into in-patient care. I begged her and the therapist. When I talked to her yesterday, she told me that all I wanted to do was kick her while she was down. That she knows that she did all those things to me but she doesn't need me bringing them all up again. I told her that I don't want her in my life until she can take responsibility for them. I don't know what else to do. I have tried to live my life. I don't want to let her keep on hurting me. Its hard though. She may be a bad mom, but she is my mom. Even though she hasn't been what a mom should be, she has still been in my life. And now, she doesn't even want to do that. I think she is moving to Texas. Which scares me because she doesn't know anybody there. Except for this one ex-boyfriend of hers. He doesn't know what has happened to her since we moved her 10 years ago. Her boyfriend that she was living with here is devastated. He tried to do everything for her and she just took advantage of him. She is trying to get my dads attention. She wants to stop their divorce. But its not working. My Dad is so much happier now. She is very good about putting on a good face for people. Something she taught me to do well. Make everything look good to other people, but never let them see you at your worst. When we were trying to get her into the hospital, she kept telling the therapist, Oh, I felt like that yesterday, but today, I am feeling much better. When I talked to her she kept saying, I am doing what I have to do to get better. Which sounds good, but I know her too well. She was putting on a face. We were Navy Family of the Year when I was little! And that was right after she cheated on my dad and got pregnant with me! I can't deal with her "faces". There are so many. I am just going to let her go. When I asked her about if she was going to move to Texas, she started yelling at me saying that I couldn't control her life! I just asked a question! I wasn't saying go or don't go. It was just a question! I think I should know if she is moving across the country! Anyway, I hung up on her after it got to be too much to take. I don't plan on talking to her any time soon. Its all I can do to stop letting her into my life.

Originally Posted by jen0519

I talked to her yesterday. Which was a horrible mistake! The therapist she is seeing is at a veterans hospital in Colorado. I tried telling that lady that she told me she wanted to die. I didn't find out about the suicide attempt until after we left. She is bi-polar. I did everything I could to get her into in-patient care. I begged her and the therapist. When I talked to her yesterday, she told me that all I wanted to do was kick her while she was down. That she knows that she did all those things to me but she doesn't need me bringing them all up again. I told her that I don't want her in my life until she can take responsibility for them. I don't know what else to do. I have tried to live my life. I don't want to let her keep on hurting me. Its hard though. She may be a bad mom, but she is my mom. Even though she hasn't been what a mom should be, she has still been in my life. And now, she doesn't even want to do that. I think she is moving to Texas. Which scares me because she doesn't know anybody there. Except for this one ex-boyfriend of hers. He doesn't know what has happened to her since we moved her 10 years ago. Her boyfriend that she was living with here is devastated. He tried to do everything for her and she just took advantage of him. She is trying to get my dads attention. She wants to stop their divorce. But its not working. My Dad is so much happier now. She is very good about putting on a good face for people. Something she taught me to do well. Make everything look good to other people, but never let them see you at your worst. When we were trying to get her into the hospital, she kept telling the therapist, Oh, I felt like that yesterday, but today, I am feeling much better. When I talked to her she kept saying, I am doing what I have to do to get better. Which sounds good, but I know her too well. She was putting on a face. We were Navy Family of the Year when I was little! And that was right after she cheated on my dad and got pregnant with me! I can't deal with her "faces". There are so many. I am just going to let her go. When I asked her about if she was going to move to Texas, she started yelling at me saying that I couldn't control her life! I just asked a question! I wasn't saying go or don't go. It was just a question! I think I should know if she is moving across the country! Anyway, I hung up on her after it got to be too much to take. I don't plan on talking to her any time soon. Its all I can do to stop letting her into my life.

I am so sorry to hear this.

I was definitely not saying that your mom is a "bad" mother... she's just being the best that she could at the time, with all that was happening to her at the time.

She truly needs help, but what can you do? Nobody sees what you see. Nobody knows her like you do, and you clearly see that she needs help. If she moves to Texas, then let her go... by the way, you can't stop her (I know you're trying to anyway ) You have to live your life and if it means letting go of her to let her live the way she wants, then you must let go.

She's obviously a survivor.... she'll make it some how.

Your mom needs help right now. There are resources in every community for this situation. Your in-laws love you and they will support you no matter what's going on right now. I think your in-laws are well meaning by taking her in but i agree it probably is not the best solution.

From one Mom to a daughter.
Your Mom sounds very confused and probably has most of her life. I have to ask how her child hood was? There are in my eys not very many Mother's in the world that intentionally want to harm their children or inflict grief on them. If you are not a parent yourself yet you perhaps would not understand just what your Mother has and is going through. It is tough to find yourself alone in the world and the mind has great powers. All the posts here have concerned themselves with commitment, in yet another place where she will be alone, drugged and retrained. Do you really think this is what she needs? Therapist yes, and if you love her (not hate as you said) you will be there with her through every appointment. What your Mother needs is a great big hug, loving communication, respect and to know that you have her best interests at heart. She needs you to take her by the hand and help her down her painful path. Put yourself in her shoes, I am sure you would not be happy either. Do you have any other siblings? A concentrated family effort to help instead of making her feel worse would be a solution. As a Mother whom has had many woes herself I feel and hope you will heed my advice, when she is alive you can help when she is dead all you can say is sorry, but she will never hear you. Remember her life is a lot shorter than yours now, do you want to dwell perhaps for the rest of your life over how you could have helped her and didn't? Be compasionate, not judging.

I went through something similar with my mother, but she never went into treatment. Let me just say this......I have so many hard feelings towards that woman, and deep wounds she caused from my childhood that will never totally heal. But it's been a good 7 years since I've heard anything about the woman. Don't know if she's dead or alive. We cut her out of our lives because she was a danger and a real threat to our kids. Don't let it get to that point with her. Try to get her help now. No matter what, she is your mom, the only one you have. You may never have a perfect relationship with her, but I bet you that she will always be greatful that you cared enough to reach out and help her in her time of need. Trust me, if you don't act now, things will only progress downhill. I often wonder what happened to my mother, if she finally agreed to help or stayed in a program, if she is happy, if she has someone to care about her. In my situation, I am better off not letting her in my life, but I still wish her no harm. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family durring this difficult time. Good luck.