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Thread: mother in law is a control freak

  1. #1
    Junior Member Array swee2886's Avatar
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    Angry mother in law is a control freak


    Someone has got to relate to this.
    My partner mother is driving me mad.
    She will come into our house say what ever she like,dose what ever she want and if you do something she will start with the 50 questions.
    She tells my partner what he should buy with his money.
    Go threw your mail.
    look around the house to see what she could pick at.
    If you had a plastic bag on the table she will go what this and starts going throw it.
    Tells you how you put on weight and tell you that you eat rubbish and what you should be eating.
    l told my partner she is going mad.
    He just say that she is bored and because she has no one thats why she dose this and l am a only child.
    So he just lets her get away with it.
    l think it is not the reason for it she is just rude.
    My partner is going to be 26 and l am going to be 22.
    And we have one child who is 2 and half.
    Will she stop or is this going to go on even when he is 40?
    Please help me on how to deal with this before l lose the plot. p.s we aren't even married yet.

  2. #2
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array metalbudderfly's Avatar
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    hey swee2886,
    wow it must be frustrating for you to go through this. i don't know how well i would be able to handle this type of situation. what his mother has to eventually realize is that you and her son have your own lives seperate from her. sure she can come over to visit and what not but maybe there needs to be some boundries set. you could discuss this with your honey and explain that there has to be some rules set. i know it's his mother but she can cut the cord now he is what, 26? he doesn't need to be diapered anymore. explain to him that this behavior is disrupting your home life. it really isn't none of her business if you gained weight, what you eat ,how you keep house all that she should be concerned about is that her son is happy and healthy. my mom had a hard time letting go of things for a long time i'm an only child also she even lived with me and my hubby for a long time. it was very hard to deal with so i had to be honest with her about things i didn't want to hurt her feelings(hard to get around that) but i explained she did a great job raising me but it was time for her to go and live her life and let me live my life. yes she was bored and lonely for a bit but she got lots of new friends and has her own little condo now and evrything is on the up and up. it did take time but things got better. my mom had to finally realize that she cannot involve herself in my marriage or personal life like she did when i was a child. she knows if i need her advice or opinion then i will ask her for it. i only involve my mom personally to the extent i want her to be involved. his mother has to accept that her child has grown up and now it is time for her to move on. maybe your partener might make some subtle suggestions to his mom like her getting involved in some sort of social group or some sort of hobby. well i wish i had the answers for you. this can be a touchy subject.....good luck.
    LYNNE

  3. #3
    Senior Member Array JubesInquest's Avatar
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    Metalbudderfly is right.

    He definitely needs to set boundaries for his mother, rather than letting her get away with saying and doing whatever she wants in your home.

    She is a GUEST in your home; she's not allowed to go through your mail (that's very personal & private), critique the food you buy (it's YOUR money to buy whatever you want to buy) or demand an explanation as to what you all DO with YOUR money!

    She may be bored, but she has to learn that there are RULES for her to follow IN YOUR HOUSE... he needs to speak to her about that.

    And also, she needs to trust that she raised her son up and now he's an adult. She can cut the apron strings now.
    Quitters never win; Winners don't give in

  4. #4
    Junior Member Array swee2886's Avatar
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    Angry Thankyou for you reply.

    Well l do know it is not our life style on how up kept the house is or our eating habits. My partner was in another relationship for 5 year this is before l was in the picture and his mother was do the same thing with his ex and she couldn't stand it anymore so that is why it ended. This is why l don't understand why he lets his mother do this because he must see it happing again with us and how she is acting.
    why wont he stand up to it before she breaks up another relationship.

  5. #5
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array metalbudderfly's Avatar
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    well has he been very dependent on his mother? did she have to help support him in his past realationships? maybe he thinks he owes his mother for something. well i wish i had more answers for you. well have you asked him if he sees what this is doing to your relationship. it would be a shame that his mother would be able to break up your relationship.
    LYNNE

  6. #6
    Senior Member Array JubesInquest's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by metalbudderfly View Post
    well has he been very dependent on his mother? did she have to help support him in his past realationships? maybe he thinks he owes his mother for something. well i wish i had more answers for you. well have you asked him if he sees what this is doing to your relationship. it would be a shame that his mother would be able to break up your relationship.

    It would be a shame that his mother would be able to break them up, but hasn't he taken notice YET that ol' girl is all in the way of his life?

    If he's afraid to stand up to her; if he feels he's obligated to her, he will never have a decent relationship, and he's doomed to be a Mama's Boy for the rest of his life.

    What woman would want to put up with a man who walks around with his mother as his shadow???? Who can live like that?
    Quitters never win; Winners don't give in

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    Your mother in law is a narcissist! She will not change. You have 2 choices.... give in and grin and bear it, and let it roll off your back, or assert yourself and push back. Invite her into your world of function and structure, set the rules. More than likely she is not big enough to handle it so she will retreat. More than likely it will be a distant relationship. Your partner's support in standing united with you is the best thing although I'm sure it is hard since it is his mother. There are plenty of books on the subject. My favorite is called Nasty People by Jay Carter. It's really validating! You can buy it at Barnes and Noble. Another is The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. This one is on Amazon.com

    Hang in there!

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    Having read your post, I noticed that your case is pretty much the same as mine. The only difference is that my mother-in-law is living with us. She's totally controling everything related to her son. Saying that I gave her son rubbish food, etc, etc. She even came inside our bedroom and opened our stuffs. I really have no privacy at all in this house. At the beginning of my marriage, I talked to my husband my problems with his mom but end up he quarrelled with his mom. And what tragic thing that happened was my mom-in-law left the house and din inform any of us. Left without a notice. My husband was so depressed at that time till din want to share with me either. Too much watching tv drama, i guess.

    After a few week, we found out she stayed with her daughter who din want to tell us too when my husband called them saying that mom left home. She went for nearly 1 month plus or is it 2 months (can't really remember that much). Now she's back. Everybody acts like nothing happened before. But down in my heart, I'm afraid that day will be repeated again. Sigh.. I dare not to tell my fear to my husband anymore as my colleaques told me that this kind of things, never ever you tell your husband. Will be a mess. It's better to share with others and who knows others can help. I'm not sure it's true or not. I feel so lost and depressed and nobody can help me out of this.

    I'm thinking of living away from her but dun want to separate her with her son. Is there anybody out there can help me in this matter?

    Just fyi, me and my husband has been married for 1 year plus and yet so many things happened. I feel like have married for years already. I dunno how many years more I need to bear and I'm not sure whether I will still survive with this kind of life.

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    hey, I feel your pain,
    My MIL is the same way. I think a lot of women are in the same boat as you. Once my husband actually took all our bills over to her so she could make us a new budget because she accused me of blowing our $$. Well come on, we have 3 kids, a mortgage, 2 car pmts and bills,lady!!! Where do you think it goes? So I ripped my husband a new one for that, cause it crossed the line. Just stay strong(easier said than done) and dont ever stoop to her level. All she wants you to do is break and conform to her ways, but you are your own woman. Stand your ground and keep smiling. And talk to your husband about how your feeling so he can see it from your view. Good luck.

  10. #10
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    Default Mother Inlaw

    Dear Swee...

    I am not sure if your partners mother will change.. Your partner definetly needs to set boundries in your own home.. She is definetly stepping over the line.. I know in my experience my MIL, FIL & SIL have been awful to my husband, me and my children this has been going on for 9 years and the more he tells them how they hurt him the more they try and do things to hurt him and slight our children.. They have 3 children my husband being the oldest and they only care about 2 of their kids and we have 3 children and all they care about is the other grandchildren.. They are retired and NEVER come and see my kids.. They are awful, vindictive, malicious people. My MIL has no friends so that should tell you something.. NOone wants to be around her, at family functions that we have my MIL & FIL sit there with attitudes and puss faces and then have the nerve to say that they are uncomfortable at our house.. LOL well they make it uncomfortable by disrespecting our family and sitting there likebumps on a log they are 60 year olds acting like 2 year olds having temper tantrums..They have not changed and will not change they are set in their ways and my Husband and I have cut his sister out of our lives and ever since we did that his parents have treated us even worse, ignoring us and coming to functions and not talking to us and being rude and ignoring our kids and my extended family.. They are taking sides and only hear his sisters' side and should not get involved and do and do not even talk to us and see our side. His sister ALWAYS plays a poor victim and wants everyone to feel sorry for her..I can go on and on about how awful they are, but in my experience I am not sure if it will change.. I hope it does for your sake..

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