Thread: Ready to throw in the towel...PLEASE HELP

10 years ago I married a wonderful man, who at the time had been divorced for 12 years and had kids from his first marriage. I brought a child into the marriage, and together we had another child 8 years ago. The problem is my DH's daughter. She has made our lives miserable in every which way shape or form from day one. At first, with her going through puperty, we thought she needed some extra time to get used to the change, then we walked on eggshells because we wanted her to do well in high school, then we hoped that she would turn around once she got to college, etc. etc. DH has always been a very involved dad, being there financially above and beyond, staying actively involved in his kids' lives, traveling to see them every other weekend or bringing them out to be with us, etc. etc. Neglect is definitely not a factor in any way. Throughout the years SD has made some nasty comments to my D including that she was merely adopted and not a full blood family member. Whenever she would visit with us for the weekend or join on trips, often she would just be sit around & pout until it was time to go. I can't even begin to list all the misery we have gone through, but we gave her the benefit of the doubt again and again. Now she is in her mid twenties, and although she has graduated from college, she does not really have an idea what she wants to do with her life other than "play" and DH allowed her to do just that. Once she got a BF things seemed a little better for a while, and so we let her come on a rather expensive vacation with us this past summer (although she was disappointed that we were not paying for BF as well), and things blew up big time. I had the "audacity" to call her on her negativity, and only because my husband wouldn't, I asked if she could please just try to have fun rather than complain non-stop. Well, that tore the roof of the building and I got yelled at that I was a nobody with no rights on and on. To me this lack of respect was unacceptable, but, I let my husband handle the situation, who again gave in and when another two weeks of pure followed, he finally sent her home before vacation was over. She is now no longer talking to us, because her dad "dumped her for me". My DH however wants everybody to get along in spite of all this, while SD thinks she should be entitled to her opinions always and feels "she did nothing wrong". She has no interest in getting along. DH pleads and leaves messages etc. I feel my DH just keeps sending out mixed signal upon mixed signal, and refuses to really be firm, although I don't really know what good that would do either.

After all these years of desperately trying to get along, talking, pleading, crying, ignoring, and getting sick over it, I am just worn out and I can't take it anymore. In the meantime, the other children who were never a problem as their sister was, are now treating me as if I am the problem, while I am only trying to hold things together for the "two little ones". I don't see any way out, because I feel that family therapy is just a band aid as said SD has no interest in being apart of her no blood related family, which is the only thing my DH is interested in, us all "happily together".

Any ideas?

He's not ******. He sees what's going on and he wants to pretend it doesn't exist so that he isn't put in the position of doing something that it sounds like he never did (sorry) - discipline her. He's guilty that she feels like he's chosen you, but it seems like either he didn't explain it well or she just decided to make your life , and its working for her, all right! She's treated you this way for ten years because its been allowed! I think he's afraid that she won't love him if he puts his foot down and she's got her act all down pat.

She's in her twenties? When he's not home, I would never let her in the house. I'd tell him that in the interest of what's best for the little ones, and his other two children, its better if her selfishness and negativity and immaturity were not indulged, so that you don't have problems when the others grow up! Tell him that she's unwittingly teaching the other kids how to treat the two of you! Ugh, she sounds like a nightmare.

Also, now that she's in her twenties, if the two of you share his money, meaning all is financially equal in the household, he should NOT be allowed (by you) to pay her way as long as you two still have minors in the house and you have a say in it. He is not respecting you and cowtowing to a disgusting BRAT, in capital letters.

I hate to admit this, but one of my old friends acted the same way with her father's girlfriend, and eventual wife. She's a wonderful woman. We were in our twenties and she hated this woman with a venom I never understood, treated her with such disrespect, and I always thought she was acting like a spoiled mother-effing brat.

Good luck.