In so much pain due to father abandonment issues

**Chica_bella813** · 01-19-2008 12:37 PM

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this forum and i am glad that i discovered it. I am 29 years old and feel so unloved and unwanted because i never had a secure father daughter relationship.

My parents were never married and I carried so much shame about that. I have 3 older brothers and they do not show me attention...they come to me frequently for money. I cry myself to sleep many nights because my heart is so heavy and broken. I hold my pillow tight wishing I had a male to love me. I gravitate towards men that treat me well in the beginning but then somehow I become too needy and i am mistreated. I have had several men leave me so that doesn't help matters.

My dad and I do communicate via phone and we see each other from time to time but he is not positive. Very critical in nature. If i put on weight I will hear it...IF he says i look nice it doesn't seem genuine. I have been so effected by this. My mother never married anyone since I have been born. She was married to my brother's dad before i was born.
I wished she had someone in her life to be an example for me.

I share my pain with my mom and all she can focus on is how successful I am. I am a professional but i am no longer working due to my resignation.....I am so sad and want to be held.

Last night this guy whom I enjoyed his company called me and told me he is going out with another girl later that night and wanted to know what I was up to. Well I lied and said i am going out with a guy--the sad part is there is no guy. I made him up. I cried and cried that night...I feel so unwanted. I have gained 25lbs over the years because I am an emotional eater.....I just lay in bed all day and watch cnn and the election coverage.

I cancel on my friends and my life is passing me by....I cry when i see a commercial with a little girl with her dad or wife and husband being affectionate. I have dabbled in the homosexual lifestyle because i just want to be loved.

I do not want to be with women. I want to be married and have a beautiful family. That is my deepest desire.

Thank you in advance for your comments.

**Jax** · 03-17-2008 02:42 PM

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time, however I'm going to tell you like I'd tell my own sister (and I have had to go through this with her too), You have to love yourself before anyone worth loving will find you attractive. Physical beauty is only a small percentage of attraction. The way you care about yourself will show through. Confident people (truely confident, not just appearing confident) exibit different vibes.

You mentioned that you become needy and people leave. I think that you may come across very confident because of your professional nature. The best thing you can do is become close with yourself. Yes family life can give people issues, however, no one will fix those except you. take time out and go to the library or dinner by yourself and just be comfortable with yourself. Write a list of things about yourself you love. Then write one thing you do not like that you want to change. Work on that thing until it is fixed to your liking. Seek a counselor or pastor if you need a shoulder. Using the shoulder of new friends or new lovers will only scare them off. People are scary, (everyone) and others warm up slowly to others differences.

Stop placing the blame on those who have treated you wrong. Don't place blame because its connected to inner hate and it will ruin you. Forgive them, and love yourself and move on. No one is perfect, everyone has issues, but how you handle them will be the difference.

**clam** · 03-30-2008 09:31 PM

My heart really goes out to you, as I can relate to not having had a secure father-daughter relationship either. I am going through a divorce now and have been looking back on all that has happened in my life and how it has affected me (whether good/bad). My parents split when I was four, and although I did have a relationship with my father, he was minimally involved and did not make me or my brother a priority in any way. This, I think, lead to some real self-confidence issues for me which I am still trying to resolve. I think the other person who posted had some good suggestions. I would take her advice and reach out to a counselor and try to focus on what you like about yourself. It's tough, I know, but it seems like a good start. Hang in there, I know how hurtful this is...

**sarahUK** · 05-16-2009 02:23 AM

Reading your story really rang some bells with me and I really feel for you and what you're going through.

My father had an affair when I was 13, and lived with the other woman for 18 months before moving abroad without telling us. My mother was all my younger brother and I had, and she was very abusive. I later realised she was, and still is, an alcoholic, and while she never laid a finger on my brother, I took the brunt of any frustrations she needed to vent. I thought my Dad had left because he was through with her drinking and weird behaviour and as soon as I got to college I tracked him down. I was very quick to forgive and forget the fact that he left us, and finding him and re-establishing contact worsened the way things were between my mother and myself. She and I no longer speak, although I have tried to patch things up or have some contact. I give up on her now, as she will never change. She doesn't bring out anything good in me at all.

My brother left home two years ago because he had also had enough of her, and there was nowhere for him to go. I finished that year at college while he stayed with our father abroad at his home for those few months, and my father was insistent that my brother couldn't stay there indefinitely. I had no choice but to take him on. My brother is also borderline autistic, 21, but with no diagnosis as my mother would not let his school assess him as a child. I coped ok with him for a year and a half, I paid for everything, supported him and my father didn't help me in any way at all.

Before Christmas 2008 I totally broke down. My fiance and I were struggling to support the three of us, and are still trying to get our finances straight. I told my father that I needed time with my partner so sent my brother out to visit. My brother is there. I refused to take him back, although I had intended for him to come back after a couple of weeks ....

I realised how unbelievably angry I was at my father and just how much I could no longer cope with my brother, his behaviour, which isn't bad, but three people in one house and a relationship will not work. My brother is a good guy, but my mother's controlling manner and the way she treated him, his mild autism, and then lack of father around has really had an effect on him.

Now ... my father is getting fed up with my brother and wants him to come back. I said no way. All I got was criticism for looking after him, the way I have encouraged my brither to follow his dreams when I should have "made him" do this, that or the other. I bent over backwards, tried my best, and did everything to let him have some of the life he's missed out on as our mother never let him do anything, go anywhere, have friends etc. My father and I had an almighty row last week, haven't spoken to each other since, but he's been on the phone to other family members. He had a giggle at me on the phone, winding me up about my wedding later this year, which his new and very interfering girlfriend is NOT attending because she is NOT welcome. I'm fed up of not being taken seriously and just treated like a doormat.

I started counselling this week - it took since my breakdown before Christmas to get to see someone! Initially it was mother-related issues, to deal with the abuse and lack of mother and whatever. She and I, for the final time (this time) also had a huge argument last weekend, when I tried to get to a place I could meet with her, behave myself without "kicking off", and just lay some demons to rest by looking her in the face and doing my best to be pleasant and compassionate towards her. After all, she is sick, and doesn't remember half the things she ever said or did, although I think she does, she just won't face it.

It hit me, after all of this has been whizzing around my head, and making me incredibly angry, miserable, and it has started to affect my relationship. I have found awonderful guy, and we're planning to marry at Christmastime. I freaked at the prospect of children as I am terrified I'll turn out like my mother, or just make an awful job of bringing up any children I may have. I even told him so ... and realised how upset I'd made him. As I'm typing this, I'm watching a programme about babies, and a woman has just given birth. I'm tearful, but I know I'd love my own kids one day. I even held the attitude that it wasn't worth making a Big Deal of the wedding because very few people on my side will be coming. I realised yesterday that it's Our Day and why should we do anything low key purely because some people won't be there. We have loving friends and family on my partner's side. I won't miss the rest.

I'm not going to let a pair of irresponsible parents affect me anymore. I have a lot to look forward to, or at least I hope so. I have a job as a teacher, which I really adore, a lovely guy, a nice house which we rent, and one day I'll have a nicer car than the last one which conked out on me, and we'll buy a house sometime too! At the end of the day I'm going to ring my father and be polite, and put my cards on the table, (without shouting my head off and getting angry and upset) and remember that while my mother's somewhere drunk and not bothered about anyone else, he's just as bad really, not prepared to admit any of the abandonment.

Without wanting to sound haughty or pompous, I didn't turn out too badly given the parents I had. A little self-respect, not allowing people to treat me in an unacceptable way etc, has gone a long way, allowing me to empower myself, and overcome the hurt and anger. I have a long way to go until I stop having moments when I wish things were different, but those times don't help. I have a lot to be thankful for really. And I won't let this turn me into a bitter and angry person ... I'd let myself down enormously if I did. My fiance doesn't deserve to see me let this get the better of me, we have a future to plan and live together

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-16-2009 05:17 AM

Hi Sarah,

Your story is sad.

But you need to see something.... You recognise what your Mother and your Father are, and so, you are neither of them.

In fact you are stronger than both put together and you bought your brother up in a way, this says you would make a better parent than the most of us.

Your man knows that, and you should see it ...

. I freaked at the prospect of children as I am terrified I'll turn out like my mother, or just make an awful job of bringing up any children I may have. I even told him so

Life for any of us is not easy, it's just not... Some people are dealt with the worse cards but rise from the ashes, burn them, as much as you can...

Your intelligent, strong, caring, giving and loving....

We all have issues, so what...

You have seen the road ahead, so keep travelling towards it...

Your man and his family are your family now.

We can't chose our parents, but we can grow stronger from what we saw and see.

Well done, congratulations for seeing that, stay strong, get married, have a ball and be there by phone for your brother, he still needs you but he is not your responsibility, it will weaken your own future and relationship, but be there as best as you can.

It's time your Father took a stance and stop not handling responsibilities, maybe why your Mother did what she did, hit the bottle to no return, he sounds like the means to the cause to me... Not the other way around.

She sounds like she's too far gone to jump the hurdles.

You sound like you can jump a million... Ready?

CW

**WildChild** · 05-17-2009 01:01 AM

Wow Chica this really struck a chord. Somehow I missed this when you first posted it. The tough thing about parents is that they are people and while parenting is a challenging life adventure - there are no tests for it. Anyone who is fertile can become a parent and quite a few really shouldn't. Even well intentioned parents make mistakes; we marry the wrong person, we over/under protect, we over/under provide, some have problems with anger, addictions, the list goes on and on.

At best parents try to make a good choices, give their kids opportunites and positive experiences with appropriate limits, but there will always be something that could have been done better. At worst, children don't survive to adulthood. Most fall somewhere in between and some are too far past the acceptable range. The real question is how long are you going to carry it around? You can't change anything about your birth, how you were raised or what your parents did or didn't do - except your attitude.

Understand this is my opinion, based on personal experience, observation, conversations, and reading. Millions of people grow up without one or any parent and do just fine. Many grow up in situations where they would be far better off without one or even both parents and somehow manage to do ok. There are some that come from pretty good families and are a mess. It really lies in your attitude and how you perceive things.

Consider, how did you determine that a lack of a father figure was a huge hole in your life? As a child were there comments made to you or within your hearing about this? Is it something that came up in counseling? Where did this belief come from and how did it become so central to your sense of self?

It really is true that you have to learn to love yourself first. Whatever that takes you have to work on it, that has nothing to do with a man. Too often we buy hook, line and sinker into what we read or hear about these things. You can't do that, you can't let culture define your experience that way. The idea that you will fit a mold because you had certain experiences doesn't serve you. Look at what you are doing to yourself with this. You are a bright, articulate young woman. It doesn't sound like, if your dad had been there, it would have been a really positive experience.

I grew up in a houseful of sisters, I was never anybody's, 'little sweetheart', either - occasional punching bag? yes, focus of rage? yes. Was there love in our household? yes. Was it universally positive - no, not at all. We've all had our struggles but managed to live fairly decent lives. You work with what you have. You find the positives and you focus on those. My children, my sister's children have not grown up like we did, it may have taken divorces and some struggles but we pretty much ended an abuse cycle. We were, however raised knowning abuse was wrong and that allowed us to end it, for that I am so grateful. I love my parents, I don't love all that we went through. But I don't focus on it.

You were raised with some real positives too, if you look for them. What were they? Your mom managed to raise four kids pretty much on her own, that takes guts and strength. You have that in you too. Focusing on what you didn't have - the fantasy relationship with your father or some other man - belittles what you did have. And it is keeping you from good relationships with men or women. How does that serve you? Your mom has tried to help you focus on the positives and you have rejected that, choosing instead to steep yourself in selfpity. We all do it, have a pity party, now and then - you can't live there.

Here's one idea, can you write? Write to the little one that was you, the little one who is hurt, that you are holding on to, who is holding you in the past? Do it however you want, a letter, create a little story book, draw pictures, an essay, maybe all of these, but write to her, for her. What does she need to hear? What does she need to know? How old is she? What does she look like? Can you associate her with an event, something that really triggered all this? If you let yourself see it, is there something specific? Can you write your love for her, your caring, can you address her fears? She must fear being alone. Being unloved? Maybe not being sweet enough? Nice enough? Cute enough? I bet there is big dose of feeling that she is in some way inadequate, unlovable? I've felt those things - they were triggered by own demons, different than yours but still powerful. You can't let them have your life. Write to her, to sweet little Chica, tell her, her fears, tell her you love her, cherish her, adore her. Reassure her that what the adults around her did was about them and their problems, not about her.

Do as much of this as you need but don't get carried away by it. Then see if you can't more honestly and objectively see what is worthy and lovable about the woman that little girl is today. I guarantee you there is plenty to love! Try it. What do you have to lose? It may not be a miracle cure but hopefully it will help you start to move forward. You really, truly have to resolve this before you can find a good relationship. The first relationship you have to heal is your relationship with yourself, then with your mom. Then you can think about dealing with other people in your life.

**Joy** · 05-17-2009 09:45 PM

Stop placing the blame on those who have treated you wrong. Don't place blame because its connected to inner hate and it will ruin you. Forgive them, and love yourself and move on. No one is perfect, everyone has issues, but how you handle them will be the difference.

My quote button isn't working but.... i totally agree with this from Jax. Love yourself.. all the love you need you already have within. You just have to tap into it. Then when you find a man that makes your head spin in all the great ways then its just gravy.

**ThexMrs** · 06-06-2009 06:46 PM

Welcome to the forum.

I want to start out by saying that I am so sorry you feel this way. I feel your pain like you would not believe. I feel as though I could have written this myself though a few details would be different.

Just before my 12th birthday, my father committed suicide. I was daddy's little girl. I went everywhere with him (when I could) and loved him so very much. I couldn't wait for him to get off of work. We would sit on the couch and watch tv together all of the time.

Because of what he did I felt that he didn't love me. I felt that if my father didn't love me then no man was ever going to. How could they? The one man that is always supposed to be there for you, supposed to love you, left me and for forever.

When I was 15 years old I self diagnosed myself with an attachment disorder. It wasn't supposed to be a REAL disorder that I would have diagnosed with a counselor. It was just something that I knew I had. I gravitated to men that treated me well (even to men that didn't) They were a drug to me. I needed them to be happy. If I didn't have them I would lose my high and fall apart. I would confuse care for love all of the time. I got so attached to these men and then I drove them away. I constantly would test them on how they felt about me. I had to "break" them and once I did I felt like I won though in reality I lost because I always found myself alone.

Everytime I see a father with his little girl I burst into tears. This happened to me not long ago at the river. I saw a father taking his little girl on a boating/fishing trip. Just the two of them. He had gotten dinner for them to take along. (In a little cooler) I watched them and couldn't help but feel so heavy in heart. I cried and cried and left the river so that no one would see this. It breaks my heart. Why couldn't I have that?

I still draw very close to men. I always have to have a boyfriend. I have to have some male in my life that cares about me or loves me even if they're just saying it. This has caused me a lot of pain. I began to feel that all I had to offer men was my body. I took graphic photos and sent them all of the time to different men. If I didn't do this I thought that they would leave. I began to let them use my body just to have them in my life. (Not as in I actually slept with them. That was very sacred to me) But again, the photos, the dirty talks on the phone, the videos, all of that.

I'm very attracted to older men as well. I always have been, really... I feel sometimes that I have a father complex. I want an older man to protect me, love me, etc.

My heart is still hurt today but I try to deal with it the best that I can. It's never going to go away and anyone who says, just get over it, it's been this amount of years needs to screw off. They don't understand.

If you ever, EVER need someone to talk to, I am here!

**advisor** · 06-10-2009 01:08 AM

Hi Chica Bella,
I know it seems easier to be loved by another and get your happy ending, but realistically speaking I think you should first learn to love yourself!
I understand how you feel and if anything, you have to force yourself to be happy. Happiness is in your own hands. Remember! By laying around and moping will only depress you further. So if you don't take matters into your own hands and start taking charge of your own happiness, that guy who you call your "dad", unfortunately will not even be able to see you and feel sorry for you. Why would you even want that right?
So get off your little behind, get dressed and forget about that sorry old man. You deserve better than this.
Get your job back and gather your friends around. Start planning wine parties and game activities or even charity work. You'll find yourself living for something that is worthwhile. You need to find meaning in life.

You need to find yourself!

-Peace

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2009 02:40 AM

Thread is 2008, Chica Bella has not returned.

I believe that the replies to Sarah whom wanted to share surfice.

Thread closed.

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