how to tackle?

**aishwarya** · 03-09-2008 04:02 AM

Hi,

My problem is a quite typical one...but I don't know how to handle it.

My problem is my sis-in-law (my hubby's elder sister). She always claims that she knows everything & doesn't let anybody talk.
A few things abt her first:
She failed in her graduation & got [COLOR=blue! important][COLOR=blue! important]married[/COLOR][/COLOR] to a IT professional few years back. Her husband being 9 years elder than my hubby earns a little over my husband.
before our marrige she was the richest person in the family & gained more attention from everybody.That time my hubby was an average student in college. But after my hubby got a good job & married me, things changed. We are the inheritants of more wealth than her (nearly twice as much as hers).
Moreover I am a chartered Accountant student who has a very good scope of earning a fortune in few years.
All this must have annoyed her.

She pretends to be very good & caring infront of everyone but backbites them to me, to which I am very much irritaed coz i like all my in-laws except her.
Moreover she degrades my hubby to me by comparing him with her [COLOR=blue! important][COLOR=blue! important]husband[/COLOR][/COLOR] irrationally.
Everytime I meet her, she says some nasty things about my husband which makes me feel very much.

She behaves like a smiling ***** to me but pretends to be so caring...
she behaves as if she knows everything in the world ( which obviously she does not) & doesnt let me even open my mouth.

She degrades & insults me & my hubby indirectly,(saying we are unlucky to have visited only one country while she has visited 3 countries) in private, to me, for which I have no proofs. she also says that my hubby is clumsy, untalented & worthless, which he is not. But to the outside world she pretends that she is so innocent.

I don't know hoe to tackle her.

My hubby knows about this & literally hates her.

Now what shall I do to stop her from insulting/degrading us without embarrassing anybody in the family?
And how do I give back her for what she has done to me until today?

I am getting tensed over this & going sleepless at nighttimes....
somebody please help...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-10-2008 12:45 AM

Originally Posted by aishwarya

Hi,

My problem is a quite typical one...but I don't know how to handle it.

My problem is my sis-in-law (my hubby's elder sister). She always claims that she knows everything & doesn't let anybody talk.
A few things abt her first:
She failed in her graduation & got [COLOR=blue! important][COLOR=blue! important]married[/color][/color] to a IT professional few years back. Her husband being 9 years elder than my hubby earns a little over my husband.
before our marrige she was the richest person in the family & gained more attention from everybody.That time my hubby was an average student in college. But after my hubby got a good job & married me, things changed. We are the inheritants of more wealth than her (nearly twice as much as hers).
Moreover I am a chartered Accountant student who has a very good scope of earning a fortune in few years.
All this must have annoyed her.

She pretends to be very good & caring infront of everyone but backbites them to me, to which I am very much irritaed coz i like all my in-laws except her.
Moreover she degrades my hubby to me by comparing him with her [COLOR=blue! important][COLOR=blue! important]husband[/color][/color] irrationally.
Everytime I meet her, she says some nasty things about my husband which makes me feel very much.

She behaves like a smiling ***** to me but pretends to be so caring...
she behaves as if she knows everything in the world ( which obviously she does not) & doesnt let me even open my mouth.

She degrades & insults me & my hubby indirectly,(saying we are unlucky to have visited only one country while she has visited 3 countries) in private, to me, for which I have no proofs. she also says that my hubby is clumsy, untalented & worthless, which he is not. But to the outside world she pretends that she is so innocent.

I don't know hoe to tackle her.

My hubby knows about this & literally hates her.

Now what shall I do to stop her from insulting/degrading us without embarrassing anybody in the family?
And how do I give back her for what she has done to me until today?

I am getting tensed over this & going sleepless at nighttimes....
somebody please help...

First of all, i would say to you, let go of your anger. Why? Because that's what feeds her.

If you definately have the urge to respond, then do it in defence of your husband, i mean, i wouldn't take any comments directly to me, in reference to my partner.

But, tactfully, perhaps as a once off, and make sure she is aware that this is a once of, let her know 1) You are actually extremely happy, so happy in your marriage and gee if only you knew behind closed doors, how that happiness manifests...... smile, and walk away.

Secondly, perhaps when she puts down or trys the blue color thing, reference how much your enjoying your profession and how intellectually you are changing due to the amount of intelligent people constanty around you, it's invigerating.

In other words, turn every negative into a positive without putting her down, instead showing how much you are enjoying your life, it will not only shut her up, but make her wonder, then question herself, her man, and it goes on and on.

And, always make it brief, positive about your life, and a smile at the end, then excuse yourself and walk away.

C · 03-10-2008 11:23 AM

I still look around for the "perfect" family.....Just can't find it....EVERY family has someone like you have in yours....Only yours does sound like she would light the fire under me too.

Look at it this way......Why do you brag....You flaunt and I smile to myself....Keep it to yourself....Ignore her.....She will get the message just from the look of pity for her that she sees in your eyes...

Loving life as I do, there are few things that can really PMO....Lest of all family.....I live and love for today....Honey, as hard as you try, you just can't change what you can't change......TC, C

**aishwarya** · 03-28-2008 11:55 PM

what CHANDLERS WISH said is correct. I have to be happy for myself first. but things have crossed the limit.

my sis-in-law has somehow convinced her mother & everyone in my husband's family that I am over-reacting. Now everybody is against me & believe that she is so matured, helping & lovable.

I feel that I am lost & i am nobody in the family.
I feel like ending my life. Now everybody thinks that I am Bad & immatured & she is soooo good. How do I make people around me understand what actually is happening.

she has actually told my brother-in-law that she wants to be the No:1 in the family. but now she tells everybody that my intention is to be No:1 in the family. she keeps telling people & even my parents that she wants to be friend with me but I am always mis-understanding her.

Now my husband's family has stopped communicating with me. I feel very insulted about this.

moreover my husband is an introvert. he has very very few friends. Now i am like, 'I-have-nobody-in-this-world' state.

what do i do?
pls help

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-29-2008 02:46 AM

Originally Posted by aishwarya

what CHANDLERS WISH said is correct. I have to be happy for myself first. but things have crossed the limit.

my sis-in-law has somehow convinced her mother & everyone in my husband's family that I am over-reacting. Now everybody is against me & believe that she is so matured, helping & lovable.

I feel that I am lost & i am nobody in the family.
I feel like ending my life. Now everybody thinks that I am Bad & immatured & she is soooo good. How do I make people around me understand what actually is happening.

she has actually told my brother-in-law that she wants to be the No:1 in the family. but now she tells everybody that my intention is to be No:1 in the family. she keeps telling people & even my parents that she wants to be friend with me but I am always mis-understanding her.

Now my husband's family has stopped communicating with me. I feel very insulted about this.

moreover my husband is an introvert. he has very very few friends. Now i am like, 'I-have-nobody-in-this-world' state.

what do i do?
pls help

First i would say to you that "don't" even contemplate bad thoughts, ie) " i feel like ending my life" that's not a solution and it has no room in your thoughts.

Second, the other poster whilst it might have sounded different from the wording, is saying what she read. This sister-in-law is "pity you haven't done this, been there " but your saying maybe to her, I am this, we have that...

Now, when that happens, both start to bicker about each other and the next thing you know one and there can only be one, wins, convinces everyone that she is telling the truth.

Does that make sense?

Do what most people in that situation do, each humble pie, both of you.

Sit down, and say you know what, i think what you have done with your life is amazing, travelling etc, and i kind of also like my job and where i'm travelling, perhaps we can exchange stories and ideas and jump these hurdles?

Communication is the best tool in this world to not only survive but to understand.

It is amazing when you become the "softer person" in conversation you actually appear the "stronger" person.

You can say these things right in front of her family. They will see that you are actually nice, and admire her but also like where your travelling.

If she is "cold" and has only one thing in mind that is to be the main person, then they will wonder.

Be the nice person out if it, use reverse physcology.

But i do agree with Caroline to, it doesn't matter what you have, verses what she has, because what you are doing there, is being like her, instead of strong and showing you are not...

Be happy about what you have, but i guess sometimes you have to keep that to yourself more, as other's are not as fortunate and want to be and can take it as an insult to their lives.

No two people are alike, how we think is different. We can say something meaning it with such good intentions but it can be taken as such the wrong way. UNTIL EXPLAINED....

I hope that makes a bit of sense....

And, helps.

Love your man, yourself, your family and enjoy your life and slowly let others learn to love you as well, by showing love.

It will eat at people, when you are nothing but nice, they have no choice but to be nice back, or other's will wonder why and think....

**aishwarya** · 03-31-2008 02:02 AM

for the past one & half year i have been patient and trying to be nice. i have even tried to sit down & communicate with her. she responds very well & I, at that moment I feel that all the problems are over. When she pitied me, I even told her that I am happy, convinced & not anything less than her. she seemed very co-operative & understanding.

but the very next day she called my husband & in-laws and told them that I am boasting about myself and insulting her. she also told them that she had been very patient with me for what I have told her. Till this day they (except my husband) have never asked me about this & I never got a chance to explain about myself.

Nobody wants to talk about this matter. They have formed a opinion that I am jealous over my sis-in-law.So whatever I say or do will not bring about any changes.

Whenever I try to talk about this to her she responds so very well that I feel everything has become smooth. but the very next day things turn topsy-turvy & she twists stories & I am hanged with my own words.

So now I have given up trying to even out things with her. if I am trying to communicate with her about this it will only make things worse.

how do I handle this?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-31-2008 02:23 AM

Originally Posted by aishwarya

for the past one & half year i have been patient and trying to be nice. i have even tried to sit down & communicate with her. she responds very well & I, at that moment I feel that all the problems are over. When she pitied me, I even told her that I am happy, convinced & not anything less than her. she seemed very co-operative & understanding.

but the very next day she called my husband & in-laws and told them that I am boasting about myself and insulting her. she also told them that she had been very patient with me for what I have told her. Till this day they (except my husband) have never asked me about this & I never got a chance to explain about myself.

Nobody wants to talk about this matter. They have formed a opinion that I am jealous over my sis-in-law.So whatever I say or do will not bring about any changes.

Whenever I try to talk about this to her she responds so very well that I feel everything has become smooth. but the very next day things turn topsy-turvy & she twists stories & I am hanged with my own words.

So now I have given up trying to even out things with her. if I am trying to communicate with her about this it will only make things worse.

how do I handle this?

Well, if you have tried the communication thing and it works, until she is around family then go back to plan (A)...

Concentrate on your family, your home and your love as if it keeps eating at you, this may go wayward as well.

When at functions what you said to her in private that she agreed with, say now in public, as per my previous post so others can go "huh?" but i thought.......... And, be very very nice, let them see if she is in fact making up stories that she is.

Only way to catch her out in front of others.

But be very nice, and only say nice things.

To do this, you need courage to stand tall for yourself, and not allow the negatives she is throwing at you to cloud you at that time.

Go deep within yourself and feel pity in fact, but not show that to her, at the same time, show love to your husband in front of the whole family, with smiles, touching and him back, so they see the love you have for each other.

And, start doing that at home to as you and your husband and family are the most important...

Hope that helps.

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