help - no help from the husband

**stepmom13** · 03-18-2008 01:50 PM

we have all been there having an unwanted guest and no room

my stepson is now living with me, my husband does not see that neither myself our my child, wants him there and after 1 month my patience is running thin

.... what can i do without seeming like the wicked witch,
i've been trying to even get him a place to live with no support from his father... what is the best way to deal with this unwanted guest?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-18-2008 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by stepmom13

we have all been there having an unwanted guest and no room

my stepson is now living with me, my husband does not see that neither myself our my child, wants him there and after 1 month my patience is running thin

.... what can i do without seeming like the wicked witch,
i've been trying to even get him a place to live with no support from his father... what is the best way to deal with this unwanted guest?

It could be that your husband want's his child within the bond of his family as it seems you have a child to, not sure if it is with your husband and he is relishing that union. Hard to tell as you are not saying much other than how you are feeling.

I am assuming he may be a teenager and may not be working? Living therefore in your house and not contributing with things as you say you are trying to get him a place to live.

I would be saying to you to try to bond with him instead of showing him that you want him out or to your husband. He is part of who you married.

If you want him out because he just sits around and you feed him as well and do his washing or things like that, then as i said, start bonding with him, muck around and laugh with him and oh by the way can you help me with this...

If it is because you want your husband and your child only in the house and not his son, as the only reason then you have to adjust i think a bit here. The son will find his own piece of freedom in good time and maybe if you are more together as a family all will accept that help of finding that new home in due course together as it will seem to be for a different reason to all.

As i said, you haven't given reasons so it's hard to reply.

**stepmom13** · 03-18-2008 03:19 PM

chandler:

here is the whole scene- my stepson is 21 and has a 6month old daughter, whom he doesnt support. he brought drugs into our home-my husband and i have been together for 13 yrs and our child is 9 years old, whom also looks upto his brother...but is also pestered and annoyed at having to be sharing his bedroom with. i have had a good relationship with my stepson but have been burnt in the past by him trying to break up my marraige....so heres my question would you welcome him with open arms into your home with a minor child? i do find the time to chit chat with him and realize that he comes home stoned on a regular basis..he critisizes his father for having rules for him and a curfew. This is not a good environment so i'm left to try to get him out of my home as fast as i can.. before i blow up and throw everyone out of my home... so now that i have painted you a picture -im more angry at my husband at the moment for letting him came back into our home.

**abundant** · 03-18-2008 04:30 PM

Where is the mother of this irresponsible teenager?
You are right, your husband does not want to do a thing about it because it is comfortable this way.
No way, would I let ANYBODY family or not be at my home stoned with a yound child,I am sure your son can be annoyed by sharing his room,that is the least of your problems,the problem here is
1.teenager that does not work
2.stoned (never know what or how will they react)
3.This teenager is already a father?
Wow! Maybe your husband and exwife should do something about their big baby.
You need to thow him out, or let his father do something about it,so that way you're not the wicked witch of the west.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-18-2008 05:35 PM

Originally Posted by stepmom13

chandler:

here is the whole scene- my stepson is 21 and has a 6month old daughter, whom he doesnt support. he brought drugs into our home-my husband and i have been together for 13 yrs and our child is 9 years old, whom also looks upto his brother...but is also pestered and annoyed at having to be sharing his bedroom with. i have had a good relationship with my stepson but have been burnt in the past by him trying to break up my marraige....so heres my question would you welcome him with open arms into your home with a minor child? i do find the time to chit chat with him and realize that he comes home stoned on a regular basis..he critisizes his father for having rules for him and a curfew. This is not a good environment so i'm left to try to get him out of my home as fast as i can.. before i blow up and throw everyone out of my home... so now that i have painted you a picture -im more angry at my husband at the moment for letting him came back into our home.

Sorry, i can see that you would be.

Well, no i would have to say to that question, if i had a nine year old and a 21 year old smoking dope and being rebelious at rules etc, then it has to rub of on the 9 year old, as he is still in his learning stages.

It is evident that you have talked to your husband about this and not getting anywhere.

What is is rational reasoning for keeping his son there, whilst his other son can see the effects as they are sleeping in the same bedroom i can almost here the 21 stonned boy saying " yeah man"... Wait till your older etc.

Have you tried this sort of logic with him?

Firstly, i would move him from the bedroom anyway, and create his bed in the loungeroom maybe, is there a study? Just so he doesn't ramble on to your other son when stoned.

I can see, that your husband loves his son, and i am sure he loves his 9 year old as well and he's trying to be loving but he needs to see the possible future effect on the 9 year old and where he may end up.

Now is the chance for him to ensure that one of his son's doesn't grow up in the same light and smoke dope.

The only point that i can really see, is the 21 year old has tried to break up your marriage and he is smoking dope.

That may be in-security on his behalf or need for "parents" support which he may not have had from when your husband and previous partner were in the picture before you and he was that 9 year old.

I think your husband needs to visit 15 years ago in his life and then 15 years from now, how you can get him to do this i really don't know....

**stepmom13** · 03-19-2008 08:14 AM

Originally Posted by abundant

Where is the mother of this irresponsible teenager?
You are right, your husband does not want to do a thing about it because it is comfortable this way.
No way, would I let ANYBODY family or not be at my home stoned with a yound child,I am sure your son can be annoyed by sharing his room,that is the least of your problems,the problem here is
1.teenager that does not work
2.stoned (never know what or how will they react)
3.This teenager is already a father?
Wow! Maybe your husband and exwife should do something about their big baby.
You need to thow him out, or let his father do something about it,so that way you're not the wicked witch of the west.

Abundant:
My very irresponsible stepsons mom has pretty much disowned him,
ever since he become a dad, she is too busy living through her 19 yr old daughter. And her mother just adds fuel to the flame by giving him money for his drugs... whats that ole saying the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree. What i also didn't mention he has been arrested twice and just got out of jail, he served 90 days for a VOP: for aggravated assault and for stealing. My life with my husband family has not been easy, i actually felt pity for my stepson. But realized that he uses people feelings against them to manipulate. i spoke to my husband about my reservations stating that our child has a chance to not repeat this history... i very much love my husband but he needs to get uncomfortable and take the lead, thank you for your advice....

**abundant** · 03-20-2008 01:40 AM

Keep us posted please.

**stepmom13** · 04-10-2008 09:54 AM

just wanted you all to know, that my husband finally did ask him to leave and he failed his drug testing through probation, he is now back in jail and his father is feeling ever so gulity. I told him that his son made his own choices, he is helplessly at the mercy of his drugs. And neither one of us could do anything more for him. He needs to decide when he wants to change his life. It is better to have someone hit rock bottom and pull themself out, then to run to their rescue. He will soon learn to regret the choices that he made when his daughter grows up and wants nothing to do with him, it seems horrible to say but i am relieved that he is now safe (from himself). i couldn't watch his decline into nothingness, it hurt everyone, even his aunt and uncles have closed all doors to him. My husbands family is religious and they have very strong family commitements. But what can you do when they dont want to change?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-10-2008 03:11 PM

Originally Posted by stepmom13

just wanted you all to know, that my husband finally did ask him to leave and he failed his drug testing through probation, he is now back in jail and his father is feeling ever so gulity. I told him that his son made his own choices, he is helplessly at the mercy of his drugs. And neither one of us could do anything more for him. He needs to decide when he wants to change his life. It is better to have someone hit rock bottom and pull themself out, then to run to their rescue. He will soon learn to regret the choices that he made when his daughter grows up and wants nothing to do with him, it seems horrible to say but i am relieved that he is now safe (from himself). i couldn't watch his decline into nothingness, it hurt everyone, even his aunt and uncles have closed all doors to him. My husbands family is religious and they have very strong family commitements. But what can you do when they dont want to change?

There is a true sadness and guilt that is to be expected, but drugs once hooked, are hard to over come. It is a shame, if like most gaols, that he can still access them but i also imagine it is minimal and confined to specifics if so, as it would be ideal if he couldn't and that assistance there in quitting it.

It of course is painful to watch and i wish we could all chuck ourselves into a place of bliss for 4 weeks, for any addiction ( mine being nicotine), where the Gov pays for it and we learn to over come those additions and try again...

I wish you and your family well.

CW

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