Thread: Problems with my mum...

I'm going crazy... I need to let this all out somehow but I don't have any friends 'close' enough to talk about it with (other than my boyfriend, but there's only so much he can do to help)

At secondary school (12 - 16 years of age, I'm UK English) I was really depressed, and felt incredily lonely for pretty much all of my time at school, and the last year of my primary school (I moved to a new school just after I left year 5 - so I was 10 and starting year 6, It was such a horrible new school - the people were racist and sexist and just overall nasty, I came from a mixed-race school with people from all different kinds of religions) And when I started secondary school the next year, most of the people from the nasty school were there, and it was just so stressful and I felt so lonely and... is isolated the right word?

When I was 14/15, I met my boyfriend, and a few of his friends. I was so happy, because they made me laugh and seemed to accept me. My boyfriend actually got me out of my depression (my depression was pretty bad, I wasn't suicidal - but only because I was scared of killing myself - the pain was what I was scared of. I did use pain as a way to 'distract' me from my 'mental pain' however, but I never drew blood, I would kinda bite my hand, and I once used a compass to kinda dig at the skin on my hand) Over the summer, after I started going out with my boyfriend, he talked to me and when I realised I had someone to talk about everything with - someone I felt could understand and care about me, I felt so much better - I talked about how I was feeling and he ended my feeling of loneliness. He did so much for me, and since then he's done so much more for me.

However, I now need his company nearly all the time - and he does too. He's a little depressed at the moment - we're over half way through our first year of college, and I'm about 20 weeks pregnant and noone else knows, because we're both incredible cowards and are too scared of their reactions. Personally, I feel his parents would react better than mine - I'm not at all sure how mine will react...

We both feel the need to wake up next to each other - I hate going to sleep at night without his arms around me and it's getting harder and harder every night, I know it sounds really sad but he's where all my support comes from, he understands me like noone else does and I know he'll never judge me (however I feel like my mum will judge anything I do... I think she also takes everything more personally than she should) Because we can't even live with each other, and my mum doesn't like me leaving the house too early (or coming home too late), the 'baby fears' (as he calls it) and the hard work he's having to do at college, we've been feeling really down over the past few months.

The even bigger problem is with my mum. I love her alot, but I've been spending more time away from home (for reasons I'm not gonna go through - they're not really relevant (I do prefer being at my boyfriends house though)) and I think she feels likes she's losing me.
But I can't even talk to her about how I feel, when I go to, I an't even get a word out - I think it's because of the way she easily judges people. I know she thinks I don't spend much time at home beause she thinks I don't like being with her or my siblings - which is deffinately not true, they're the reason I like being at home... but home's so boring, and I miss my boyfriend too much, and loads of things.

I feel so confused... I feel like I can't be happy without upsetting her, but she can't be happy without my being miserable, and I don't know whether to feel upset/annoyed, or guilty - I want her to be happy but I need to be happy too... and... I just don't know what to do...

Oh, and my dad is really not the kind of person you go to talk about anything with... he's really good at the whole comfort thing but I doubt he could understand what I'm going through.

Any help will be much appreciated, 'though I mainly just needed to express my thoughts and feelings.

Have you seen a doctor about being pregnant? If you haven't, GO. You will thank yourself later when you give birth to a happy, healthy baby.
You have to stop thinking of yourself and your boyfriend as "cowards," as weak, depressed people who can only rely on each other. Seek out psychological help. Your child will thank you ...
My mother is mentally ill, and it's affected my life in more ways, almost all negative, than I could enumerate. Do your child that favor.
You have to tell your mother sooner or later ... and sooner or later, she'll have to deal with you growing up, growing apart, and moving out eventually. It's a small island ... I just looked up on Yahoo Maps the driving distance from the north end of Scotland to the south end of England, and it's only 10 hours ... I drove that many a few weeks ago to see my boyfriend. Unless you go across the puddle or something, you're not so far.
You need other outlets for your emotions. You're BOTH putting a lot of stress on your relationship, and with a child coming into it, you need to displace that stress in a healthy way.
Good luck.