Too much of a clean freak?

**kgo** · 04-27-2008 09:22 PM

My boyfriends mom doesn't housekeep like my mother, and it drives me crazy. I live with my mom and her mom and they are both very "clean" people".. I don't mean that we have no clutter, we can be messy at times but if someone is sick in the toilet it's disinfected with bleach and then with Lysol. I've picked up on these traits and am almost OCD with them. I have to have 4 pieces of toilet paper on a public toilet before I can sit on it (and that's a VERY VERy big emergency) and if I go to a restaurant I have to drink out of a straw to avoid touching my lips to the glass. My house is spotless in the sense that there is no dirt on the floors, everything is always wiped down and cleaned after it's used - even if it doesn't look dirty. I usually stay at my boyfriends on the weekends since we live an hour away but when I'm at his house it drives me crazy. They have 5 animals and there house is just not as clean as mine. If things are dirtied (someone is sick, an animal bleeds or throws up) it's not cleaned up very well. There is a lot of clutter, dust, dirt and stuff everywhere. I can't even go in the basement or I take to sneezing non-stop! Dishes are not rinsed off before they are put in the sink and they are the type of people that don't wash their hands before they prepare a meal, and they just let food touch the bare counter/table even if it's not clean. I feel horrible about myself for being so 'judgemental' and I feel so so bad about not liking going out there, because they are good people but it just makes me all panicky that there are so many gross things. They just never ever clean! I can't bring it up with my boyfriends, I feel way too guilty. I'm pretty good at school and stuff, sitting at the desks that other people do, I just try not to think about how many germs are on there - I have my good days and my bad days, but I can't ignore them at their house. I mean, how can you set food on the same surface that you use to put your feet up that have walked all over the dirty floors? Am I way too obsessive over germs or am I being a high maintence (edit)? I'm so worried that I'm being a terrible person and over reacting.

Ps - I wasn't always like this, but when I got bacteria poisoning and was extremely sick for almost a year I started becoming obsessive about washing hands.

**Miss Understood** · 04-28-2008 12:14 AM

Originally Posted by kgo

My boyfriends mom doesn't housekeep like my mother, and it drives me crazy. I live with my mom and her mom and they are both very "clean" people".. I don't mean that we have no clutter, we can be messy at times but if someone is sick in the toilet it's disinfected with bleach and then with Lysol. I've picked up on these traits and am almost OCD with them. I have to have 4 pieces of toilet paper on a public toilet before I can sit on it (and that's a VERY VERy big emergency) and if I go to a restaurant I have to drink out of a straw to avoid touching my lips to the glass. My house is spotless in the sense that there is no dirt on the floors, everything is always wiped down and cleaned after it's used - even if it doesn't look dirty. I usually stay at my boyfriends on the weekends since we live an hour away but when I'm at his house it drives me crazy. They have 5 animals and there house is just not as clean as mine. If things are dirtied (someone is sick, an animal bleeds or throws up) it's not cleaned up very well. There is a lot of clutter, dust, dirt and stuff everywhere. I can't even go in the basement or I take to sneezing non-stop! Dishes are not rinsed off before they are put in the sink and they are the type of people that don't wash their hands before they prepare a meal, and they just let food touch the bare counter/table even if it's not clean. I feel horrible about myself for being so 'judgemental' and I feel so so bad about not liking going out there, because they are good people but it just makes me all panicky that there are so many gross things. They just never ever clean! I can't bring it up with my boyfriends, I feel way too guilty. I'm pretty good at school and stuff, sitting at the desks that other people do, I just try not to think about how many germs are on there - I have my good days and my bad days, but I can't ignore them at their house. I mean, how can you set food on the same surface that you use to put your feet up that have walked all over the dirty floors? Am I way too obsessive over germs or am I being a high maintence (edit)? I'm so worried that I'm being a terrible person and over reacting.

Ps - I wasn't always like this, but when I got bacteria poisoning and was extremely sick for almost a year I started becoming obsessive about washing hands.

Looks like what was originally a good habit of cleanliness turned into an obsession to some extent. I think you have valid reason for concern with the cleanliness of the food prep and the dogs if they don't clean up and they are indoor dogs. Yet there is another side of this... You can be responsible for yourself, antibacterial gel in your pocket or purse, whatever is okay with you, but if someone else in your life is opposite in the opinion of your views, if he disregards what sounds like real fears to you and you feel like you aren't being respected for something you may not mentally have the strength to maybe not a desire to change to his way of thinking it sounds like trouble for your future with him. I would suggest personal counseling, if cost is a concern often there are free services if you research a little, but don't magnify the situation by focusing on it all the time. Find out what is the healthy thing to be concerned about in this situation through professional help, then hopefully if you share your concerns and things you have learned with him, he will be empathetic. If he laughs at you and belittles your actual real fears or the fact that you are trying to find a balance with this issue, then he's not being very kind. Lastly, I wouldn't play his family habits against yours and do the who is right thing. This isn't completely a right wrong thing, it's a respect issue and a healthy body / mind issue really. Take Care!

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 04-28-2008 05:01 AM

My ex girlfriend was pretty obsessive over cleanliness, but was nothing compared to your standards. It's your issue, you can't force it on other people... In fact, often OCD cleanliness is less healthy than having a bit of dirt around the place, as without this you can't build an immune system, so you're far more likely to get ill. Which is why if you have a child you need to let them lick things on the floor, get dirty - because if they don't some ****** illness that they should have already built antibodies for might kill them when they're 20.

But yeah, I can't take it very seriously...

**kgo** · 04-28-2008 10:26 AM

I do carry anti-bacterial gel and stuff with me at all times, it doesn't make me feel any better when I use it though. My boyfriend doesn't know to what extent that I have a problem with this, because I'm too scared to tell him. I don't want to bring it up because I don't want him to think I'm putting him, or his family, down. I know he wouldn't be mad and he would be really understanding but I just would feel to guilty like I was hurting his feelings. I just don't know how to bring it up. We are moving out together in August, and I've already told him that I want our apartment to be very clean. He knows that I am a clean freak but he doesn't know that being at his parents house really bothers me.

**kgo** · 04-28-2008 10:29 AM

It makes a lot of sense that having a little bit of dirt around is okay to build up your immune system, I guess we need some exposure to germs and stuff - but what I know and what I feel are two different things, I know that I shouldn't be this obsessive over it but in my head it's different

Private.Flangeamin · 04-30-2008 09:56 PM

Originally Posted by kgo

My boyfriends mom doesn't housekeep like my mother, and it drives me crazy. I live with my mom and her mom and they are both very "clean" people".. I don't mean that we have no clutter, we can be messy at times but if someone is sick in the toilet it's disinfected with bleach and then with Lysol. I've picked up on these traits and am almost OCD with them. I have to have 4 pieces of toilet paper on a public toilet before I can sit on it (and that's a VERY VERy big emergency) and if I go to a restaurant I have to drink out of a straw to avoid touching my lips to the glass. My house is spotless in the sense that there is no dirt on the floors, everything is always wiped down and cleaned after it's used - even if it doesn't look dirty. I usually stay at my boyfriends on the weekends since we live an hour away but when I'm at his house it drives me crazy. They have 5 animals and there house is just not as clean as mine. If things are dirtied (someone is sick, an animal bleeds or throws up) it's not cleaned up very well. There is a lot of clutter, dust, dirt and stuff everywhere. I can't even go in the basement or I take to sneezing non-stop! Dishes are not rinsed off before they are put in the sink and they are the type of people that don't wash their hands before they prepare a meal, and they just let food touch the bare counter/table even if it's not clean. I feel horrible about myself for being so 'judgemental' and I feel so so bad about not liking going out there, because they are good people but it just makes me all panicky that there are so many gross things. They just never ever clean! I can't bring it up with my boyfriends, I feel way too guilty. I'm pretty good at school and stuff, sitting at the desks that other people do, I just try not to think about how many germs are on there - I have my good days and my bad days, but I can't ignore them at their house. I mean, how can you set food on the same surface that you use to put your feet up that have walked all over the dirty floors? Am I way too obsessive over germs or am I being a high maintence (edit)? I'm so worried that I'm being a terrible person and over reacting.

Ps - I wasn't always like this, but when I got bacteria poisoning and was extremely sick for almost a year I started becoming obsessive about washing hands.

I do agree with you, it does certainly sound as if your boyfriends mother is unhygienic.

It is just basic hygiene to clean up vomit and clean it up thoroughly when and animal or human vomits be it anywhere in the home, the same goes for bleeding or tummy upsets ect. The lavortory should ALWAYS be clean, absolutely no excuse for not leaving a toilet clean.

As for preparing food WITHOUT washing hands and not having a clean toilet it really does sound appalling. I would just refuse to accept any food. If i saw that happening in a restaurant, i certainly wouldnt eat there again. Along with the dust and dirt, she does im afraid to say sound like a generally unclean woman.

There is nothing wrong with keeping a clean home, id say mine was spotless, i have a large hall way and kitchen area which is tiled all the way through, i mop and clean the tiles every two days with lemon disinfectant ..its pleasant for me and pleasnat for visitors to smell a nice fresh clean fragrance ...i do think a woman should take pride in her home.

I can fully understand your fears about this , especially as you have had a nasty stomach infection, i also had one after visiting Cyprus, perhaps its because they dont put tissue paper into the toilet to flush, you have to place it in a bin next to the toilet , 100 degree heat and unsanitary conditions all over the island and people dont wash hands after visiting the bathroom ...gave me a miserable stay in a clinic hooked up to IV drip !!, Still i do like the country.

I dont think there is anything wrong in carrying handwash, its just sensible, i have a little bottle of cuticura and skinsure, long lasting protection from bacteria , if im out and i go for coffee and cookies or something, i always place a blob on my hands before handling food, lots of people carry them now, they are so handy.

I do think though, especially after the tummy illness and seeing your boyfriends home you are developing some anxiety which could possibly get out of hand and slip over into obsessive thoughts and worries. I fully understand its harder as you have been brought up with a nice clean tidy home , which i think how it should be by the way. The placing of paper on a public toilet? i certainly wouldnt sit down on one and to my knowledge niether would anyone i know ..setting food on a surface is also dirty, feet shouldnt go on a table its bad manners and unhygenic.

If it continues to upset you, i wouyld explain to your boyfriend , as nicely as possible, your fears over contracting any bugs as your stomach has already had a severe bashing from the previous bug, or just refuse to stay. But in general if you feel you carnt drink from a glass in public without a straw it is becoming a problem.

Life should be enjoyed and this fear is preventing you from getting the most out of life so i would really look into seeing somebody who specialises in Anxiety disorders/OCD ect .

Best wishes

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-01-2008 04:42 PM

I think we are like our Mother's there whether we like it or not.

You could walk around my Parents house and not find a speck of dust anywhere, any day. I used to think she was obsessive in cleaning, alas, i picked up the same traights, not as bad, but loosened up alot as i got older, one because of the heavy work committments and two because life is to be enjoyed and you can't spend the whole time cleaning.

If you are moving in with your man in August, then i would be saying that there has to be a bit of slack there.

If he was bought up in the household you describe, that is what he is accustomed to. Leaving toilet seats up, we leave them down, ( now about that who's right/wrong?) No one as we are equal one likes it up for usuage the other, down,

But if you do feel the need to "place your shoes there because, do this because, don't do that because", it may come across as nagging as well, so if you carry the cleaning to this extent then have a think there.

I received an email the other day about handbags and it floored me really, as we do, we put it down on the floor of the toilet ( well i do try to hang it up when there's a hook) and we know what goes on the floor of toilets, etc.

I would have difficulty eating in his parents house to be honest, but apart from that, i would be okay. I too like a clean house but i sell them, so i see all sorts i guess but i know the amount of times, i have said no thanks for that coffee or glass of water...ahhh....

I truly don't know how you can handle that one other than when you guys live together try to always have the invite to your home for meals and then of course, your going to be asked "can i help?" So, it's a tough one....

CW

**kgo** · 05-01-2008 06:44 PM

Thanks everyone for the replies! Made me think a little and feel a lot better. I'm not too worried about when we move in together, he always says how clean that my house is and he wants a clean house like it. He does laundry and stuff like that and he understands that I like things clean. He is a really understanding guy (even when I go over the edge) and we have both agreed to having no pets or anything because they can cause extra cleaning and responsibility. He loves things clean, he used to vacuum his truck everyday. He just doesn't have the same obsession with it that I do. When I get home from work/school/peoples houses I have to put on a fresh pair of socks so that I don't track anything from other peoples houses into my own, or get anything dirty on my bedsheets.

**FionaDiaz** · 05-07-2008 01:00 AM

Come over and clean my house!

No, actually I'm a clean freak as well (perhaps slightly less than you). My husband's family is nothing like me, even my own family isn't so "clean" really. But they aren't dirty either, just "normal".

Don't feel guilty because you are a neat freak and you don't like the fact that other's are not, just don't push your views on others (which it seems you don't).

**DaddyLove** · 03-25-2011 10:19 AM

uhmmmmm.....so. I found this thread through a search engine because I live with a woman (I am a man) who sounds a little like the Original Poster. I am responding because the first response to the original post talked about respect. After thinking about the respect aspect of this, there was something that sounded very hollow in the response and the questions which came to my mind were "how is she respecting me and our children when she screams at the children because they bring dirt into house on Saturday morning and polarizes the entire family for the entire weekend because they did something which she did not like ?" How is she respecting the family when we go to a public place and one of the children touches something which she thinks is not clean and she disrupts then atmosphere by stopping everybody and scolding the child which touched something ? My opinion is that there is more than respect for the woman who is cleaning at issue here. In the case involving our family, we have learned to deal with it by spending ALL of our free time away from this woman. As I type, I am remembering how the kindergarten teacher had a meeting with me (the father) because one child was afraid to play outside because "her mother told her to not get her shoes dirty". In the case of the woman we live with, it appears the root cause of the "cleaning" was the grandmother who died washing windows of a heart attack when her children told her not to wash them. This was the same grandmother who rubbed the face of her granddaughter in her urine at 4 years old after she wet the bed. I must say in the beginning of our relationship I tried to respect her cleanliness by buying a new house for her after I saw that living in a rental house caused her extreme anxiety as there was other people's dirt there. After buying the new house, my surprise was that the carpet had to be vacuumed 3 times a week, the windows had to be washed once a month and the kitchen had to be cleaned once a day from top to bottom. Saturday and Sunday are the days when we stay away from her and she takes the opportunity to clean while we are out of the house. The new house had no effect on her cleaning habits, if anything she started cleaning more and complaining more about the dirt. I noticed this year that everytime someone in the house uses the bathroom she is cleaning the toilet with toilet cleaner and a toilet brush even if there is no "trace" left behind. I asked her about this and she said she is using the cleaning chemicals to remove the smell. The strange thing is that after all of this cleaning, she is so tired that she sometimes forgets to eat and starts shaking. I don't understand this behavior very well but one thing that I have a hard time with now is respecting it. I have an even harder time respecting a person who screams at their family and cannot enjoy simple pleasures in life because they are worried about what some dead grandmother taught them when they were 4 years old.

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