Thread: Child Molestation

When our daughter was in first grade, a playmate down the street had a teen age boy of 15, sexually assault both her and her brother. He was in kindergarten. When this happened the children's Mother called me down to tell me what happened. She was just about crazy with fear and sorrow...The boy sexually abused both of them. She went across the street and told his parents. They begged both she and her husband not to call the police and she didn't. Within a few days their house was up for sale and they moved within a month. What a mistake this was never to have had the proper care for this boy. Seeing they had not lived there that long, I wonder if this had happened before...

I do know of one of my husband's relatives that sexually abused a little boy when he was around that age of your relative. Again the family did nothing to help that troubled boy. The young boy grew up to be a wonderful man and we went to his marriage many years ago. Nobody helped the boy and God knows what happened to him.

Maybe ignoring the situation unless the child mentions it, is the easiest thing to do. I have regreted many times in my life, not making my little daughter more aware of the perils of family and what can happen to a little girl...The problem is you trust your own family..........

Hugs to you......It hurts...TC, C

When I was 8, My dad moved in with his girlfriend, and about a month later, her son began molesting me, and this went on until I was 14. I finally got the nerve to tell. I am not going to lie...Im pretty sure my step-mom hates me now, and the worst part is...
He got away with it. He told everyone I was lying, and they believed him...even my OWN family believed him over me...the only ones who believed me, were my sister, and my mom. In the end, I had to move out into my moms...and my dads and I's relationship has NEVER been the same.

Now let me tell you what you can do for this child. Tell him that he is NOT alone, and that it is NOT his fault, and that he did the right thing by telling. He will probably feel "dirty" afterwards, so let him know he is NO dirty. Let Him know that nothing bad can happen to him now, because the people that love him wont let it. You need to be there for him, and let him KNOW he can trust you. He will undoubtedly now have some issues concerning trust, and later in the future, he might go through some depression.
Please be there for him. Because I know just how crappy he feels right now, and he may even wish he didnt tell. Please tell the parents to take him to a councellor, for someone he can "trust" to not tell his secrets.
But try to find one that will take interest in his interests. My councellor actually brought in his dogs for me to see, and after that he gained my trust.

I am so sorry. This is so hard on a family...just be there for him. but ACT normal....dont act like he has leprocy...he's still the same, loving little boy.

I'm very sorry. I have to ask though - are you sure? Did the victim say what happened or is this based on what others have said? I ask because the little girl I had as a foster child had been taken out of her home because CPS said she was being molested. I have good reason to believe that it never happened, and that the claims were faked by a social worker with a grudge against the family member.

Steps to Healing
Moving toward recovery is a daunting thing. It takes time, and many of the same steps that occur when someone dies. The order in which you take the steps or even whether or not you hit a step depends on your events and the way they unwind into your life.

Remember that each step is valuable and has something to teach us. Don't try to rush the healing process. Healing takes time. You won't wake up tomorrow and suddenly everything is better. There may be days after you've completed the steps that one of them rears its head and you have to go through the feelings and emotions again. This is all perfectly normal.

I've heard that people who have been molested, raped, etc., often go through post-traumatic stress disorder. This is the same disorders soldiers go through. You've seen the movies where the soldier has a flashback to the days of the war, and physically feel as if they were there? This may happen to you.

We recommend, as always, that you seek out a counselor to help you through this process. Don't automatically settle for the first one you come to. Make sure that their beliefs are in line with yours, and that you feel very comfortable with them. You will be discussing intimate topics, so the level of comfort must be high.
Denial
Whether it's happening to you, or to someone you love, denial is often the first turn on the road to recovery. A sense of disbelief that this could have happened to you or your family. Surely this must be a joke...

I remember sitting across the table from the counselor as she told us that my middle daughter had disclosed to her that she was molested. It was like being in a place of waves... you know, a hot hot day, when you can see the heat emanating in waves off of the blacktop... that surreal feeling you get? I had lived in fear that something would happen to her, but this I did not expect. A year later when my youngest disclosed to me, it was heart rending... I grieved out of order, but I still reached the point of denial... "this cannot have happened to my baby," I thought.
Anger
Anger is a very typical response. If it's happening to you, you feel like you want to get back at, hurt, or even kill the person doing this to you, and this tends to be mixed (because most molestations occur with someone you know) with a sense of confusion. Since molestation is sexual, and we were created as sexual beings, we also have the confusion tossed in regarding the way it made us feel, dirty... and yet.

As parents our anger is different. At least mine was. I was angry at the boy that did this to my daughters, angry with his mother and my ex-husband for allowing it to happen, angry with myself for not catching the signs, angry with God for not protecting my children. I was just angry, but had to cover up all these feelings because I didn't want my children to see the anger... they needed the comforting, nurturing mom, not the angry, vengeful warrior.

My anger grew to hate... it was the first time in my life I'd ever hated anyone. I remember hearing about accidents in the vicinity of the home during rush hour, and praying, "God, please let it be them." Those who know me would be surprised at this revelation. I tend to be a very forgiving and loving person. I had day dreams of how I could harm them... the mom is allergic to mushrooms. I would envision making her brownies and instead of water using mushroom juice. I wanted to surround my home with lilac bushes to keep my ex-husband, who is allergic to them, away. I had never felt such rage, such helpless, impotent rage, in all my life.

The turning point from my rage was when I had a friend who knew a friend who could put us all out of our misery. Realizing that their deaths could literally be in my hand made me have to turn this anger over to God. I could not be responsible for their deaths. I had to let it all go. It was one of the hardest parts of my journey, and took literally 2 years for me to get through this stage.
Depression
Depression is very common, and may occur at any place in the healing process. Feelings that everything is hopeless, your dreams and plans for the future don't matter any more. Nothing is within your control.
This is true both for the victim and the family.

For the victim the level of depression is generally greater, and may lead to suicidal behaviors. This is because of the feelings of self-loathing, the self-blame and the general feeling that you cannot stop what is happening to you. Fear of someone backlashing if you tell. Fear of not being believed. Fear of other people judging you. Molestors make their victims feel like it's their fault. They threaten them with what will happen if they tell. They say, "it was just a game," and make the victim feel as though they are making too much out of what happened.

For parents and caregivers, the depression is more due to a sense of helplessness, "How do I help my child?" self-blame, "why didn't I protect them better?" and loss of dreams that you had for your child. Most parents instill in their children the desire for sexual purity. Now, they find that their child has already been exposed to sexual activity. It raises a fear of what the future might bring, what feelings and emotions have been awakened too soon.
Acceptance
There comes a point where we begin to accept that this has happened in our lives. This doesn't mean to bury what happened and pretend as if it didn't. It means understanding that this did happen, getting appropriate help, and turning all of that anger, fear, depression, and denial into something positive.

Something positive? How can something positive come out of what is happening to me, or my child?

This site... this is my acceptance. This is my something positive. Helping others take a step closer to recovery... helping others not to feel alone... helping others learn to protect themselves and their families.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I'm very sorry. I have to ask though - are you sure? Did the victim say what happened or is this based on what others have said? I ask because the little girl I had as a foster child had been taken out of her home because CPS said she was being molested. I have good reason to believe that it never happened, and that the claims were faked by a social worker with a grudge against the family member.

There's no way to be completely sure, but I don't see how a little boy would describe the acts involved without it having happened. The child started therapy and doesn't realize that anything bad happened, just that the other boy doesn't live there anymore.