"step"son and his difficult mother

**acadialost** · 05-28-2008 01:55 PM

I don't know if this would belong in family or relationships, but basically the situation is this: I am with a wonderful man who has a four year old son. He was really young (20) when his son was born and in a committed relationship with the woman who is now his ex. We just recently started dating but things have moved quickly and I could seriously see myself spending the rest of my life and having a family with this man. The problem is this: His ex is supposed to have the majority of custody of their son. There is no legal agreement in place, but my boyfriend pays child support and has his son techinically about 50% of the time. The mother is supposed to pay for clothes, medication, daycare, and be the "primary" caregiver but now she wants the boy to stay with my bf every week night and every other weekend. Now, I'm not getting involved with the $ issues cause that's not my business, but its frustrating to me to see this poor little boy getting tossed about and dumped off on people because his mom wants to party like she didn't get a chance to when she was 20. I want to be able to be a positive influence in this boy's life because I really care about him but I don't want to overstep my grounds when he has a mother that is supposed to be raising him. Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? Any advice? I am keeping my tongue in check but at the same time I can't help but feeling like she is behaving in a pretty lame manner.

**FionaDiaz** · 05-28-2008 02:07 PM

My husband's niece lives with my husband's mother. His sister a cop and lives about 6 hours away. She leaves her kids with her mother and visits once a month. My husband is living with his mother right now (money problems, long story) but I spend half a month there and half a month with my parents.

When I am there I am my nieces' 'friend' for the most part. I play games with her and have her help me alot (she loves to do dishes). Also I help her with her homework since my Mother-in-Law never went to school. When she acts up I will settle her down and on occasion I've even yelled at her.

I realize that this is a different situation than yours, since this child is your boyfriend's son, and no relation to you. However, you say that you see yourself sharing your life with him.... which means his son will be in your life too.

My advice would be to talk to your bf and, if need be, his ex. Ask him/them what they believe your boundries should be. Or do what you want until corrected (which it what I usually do)!

Good luck!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-28-2008 07:20 PM

I think it's great that you are positive about the whole situation and have a love for the little boy.

Sure the little boy needs his maternal "mum" but a mum is what he needs and you have the opportunity to provide him with some love, with him being around all the time.

The 50/50 needs to apply full stop, you are right.

It needs to get into some form of order.

Okay, so she's partying like it's 1999.... But she also needs to be maternal and also assist financially not "dump" the whole thing on him.

Problem is you are still young in your relationship and i think you are wise to bite your tongue.

Listen to him, let him get things of his chest but pretty much i would be saying "stay out of it" for the time being...

What he needs is your support... and love for his son.... he knows what she is doing... When it gets to him and it will, you'll be the first person he vents at over it, as you've been there listening and non - judgemental, then at that time, your advice will sink in .... Then at that time, offer your thoughts on the solution and let him go to her to sought it out.

If you are around for a "long time" you don't need bitterness between you all either ?

So, this way, it's his decision which you slightly coaxed at the right time...

That's my thoughts anyway...

CW

**acadialost** · 05-29-2008 01:25 PM

Thank-you so much. This advice is wise and encouraging, and I appreciate it so much. If anyone out there has been through this and knows of some potential pitfalls that will be coming up that would be very helpful too...right now I'm just focusing on not judging the ex for her actions as I don't know her and I certainly don't know what it's like to be in her situation. I had my party years and it's easy enough for me to say that I"m ready to put it behind me...but she's had to be in responsibility mode for her entire 20s..that would be hard. Also, maybe the reason I came into their lives now was to offer some support and solidarity while other aspects of life get thrown for a loop. Basically I'm just going to try to stay out of the "politics" and enjoy the fact that this awesome little boy (and his awesome father :-) get to be a part of my life.
xoxo

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-29-2008 05:40 PM

Originally Posted by acadialost

Thank-you so much. This advice is wise and encouraging, and I appreciate it so much. If anyone out there has been through this and knows of some potential pitfalls that will be coming up that would be very helpful too...right now I'm just focusing on not judging the ex for her actions as I don't know her and I certainly don't know what it's like to be in her situation. I had my party years and it's easy enough for me to say that I"m ready to put it behind me...but she's had to be in responsibility mode for her entire 20s..that would be hard. Also, maybe the reason I came into their lives now was to offer some support and solidarity while other aspects of life get thrown for a loop. Basically I'm just going to try to stay out of the "politics" and enjoy the fact that this awesome little boy (and his awesome father :-) get to be a part of my life.
xoxo

Very profound statements and very sensible and understanding of other's needs.

I don't think that you need anything other than the thoughts you currently have...

Enjoy your awesome man and his little boy....

You are correct also in your thinking, she maybe needs "me time", her relationship failed, she's probably also lonely but still a tad selfish there and not as motherly as she should be but just be there for him to talk to you about it is what i think.....

CW

**blondiej530** · 05-30-2008 06:50 AM

You are handeling the situation really well, and very mature about it. I highly suggest that this man goes to court though, just to set visitations in order...I work in early childhood, and I think I have just seen to much bs go on between parents. He is doing the right thing by paying his child support but unless it is a set order from the courts things can get messy sometimes. I wish you guys the best of luck and I am sure your a positive influence in the little boys life!

**free spirit** · 05-30-2008 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by acadialost

There is no legal agreement in place,

This should change, the sooner the better. No matter what is going on now, if his payments aren't properly recorded he may not get any credit for them later. So if things do end up in court, he will still be responsible for everything he has already paid. Having the legal documents takes alot of the 'battle of wills' out of sharing the responsibility for raising the boy.

I don't mean to sound cold hearted, but my bf got racked over the coals because he tried to do the nice thing.

**acadialost** · 05-30-2008 04:21 PM

To be fair, he's not leaving the legalities alone because he's being nice to her...he's doing it because he can't afford to go through the legal process. If he could he would, because the courts would probably be a lot fairer to him than his ex is being. She's also not overly "lonely", she's on her third live in bf since my bf and her split. Again, it's not my place to judge and the little boy prob won't remember all these random men, as long as she stops before he gets any older. It just really bugs me, you know? I've been with men that were emotionally abusive before and I know just how incredible a person my current partner is. It really bugs me to see someone take advantage of him because he cares so much for his son. That is why it's so hard for me not to be judgemental toward her. However, I've barely even met her and I didn't know either of them three years ago when everything went down, so I'll just keep biting my tongue and hope I don't draw blood!
Thanks everyone, these responses have been awesome and most helpful. Even just knowing I can talk about this with people that understand makes the situation so much more bearable.

Thread: "step"son and his difficult mother

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

"step"son and his difficult mother

Thank-you!

Legal issues

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions