Daughter Problems

**lovesherbs** · 05-28-2008 06:49 PM

This is my first post here. Hello everyone. My daughter is in her mid twenties. She has worked for me for over 5 years. During these 5 years, she comes in hours late or doesn't come in at all. (She doesn't get paid when she doesn't work, so she is hurting herself as much as my business). I loaned her money two years ago (thousands) and she has yet to pay back one penny. She keeps promising to start paying me back but each month there seems to be some problem with money. It's not a big deal to me and that's probably why she hasn't made any effort to pay me back.

I co-signed on a loan for her two months ago so she could pay off her credit card bills. (I know, I know, not smart). And the next day she slept through work again. To make a long story short, she missed work yesterday and came in 5 hours late today. Under her breath at her desk, she was mumbling something and I asked her what the problem was. She looked like she was going to burst into tears and said she wished she could win the lottery. I know that something will be up tomorrow at work about her borrowing money from me to pay June's rent.

I can't fire her from the job because of a past personal problem. There are only family members in the business so there aren't any resentful feelings. She always comes to me for help but not her father, we are divorced. She obviously has taken advantage of me in every way. I love her dearly and we get along always when there's no talk of money or work. I was just wondering what you all would say to her tomorrow when I get the "Can I borrow the rent money from you and I will pay you back next week" question. Thank you for any suggestions.

**ChelseaRenee** · 05-28-2008 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by lovesherbs

This is my first post here. Hello everyone. My daughter is in her mid twenties. She has worked for me for over 5 years. During these 5 years, she comes in hours late or doesn't come in at all. (She doesn't get paid when she doesn't work, so she is hurting herself as much as my business). I loaned her money two years ago (thousands) and she has yet to pay back one penny. She keeps promising to start paying me back but each month there seems to be some problem with money. It's not a big deal to me and that's probably why she hasn't made any effort to pay me back.

I co-signed on a loan for her two months ago so she could pay off her credit card bills. (I know, I know, not smart). And the next day she slept through work again. To make a long story short, she missed work yesterday and came in 5 hours late today. Under her breath at her desk, she was mumbling something and I asked her what the problem was. She looked like she was going to burst into tears and said she wished she could win the lottery. I know that something will be up tomorrow at work about her borrowing money from me to pay June's rent.

I can't fire her from the job because of a past personal problem. There are only family members in the business so there aren't any resentful feelings. She always comes to me for help but not her father, we are divorced. She obviously has taken advantage of me in every way. I love her dearly and we get along always when there's no talk of money or work. I was just wondering what you all would say to her tomorrow when I get the "Can I borrow the rent money from you and I will pay you back next week" question. Thank you for any suggestions.

That reminds me so much of my sister. My parents paid her tuition, she slept through all her classes and dropped out. Then she wanted to get a job, but didn't have a car so my parents co-signed for her, but she lost her job for sucking at it and never showing up, and they are now stuck with the payments because they don't want it to ruin their credit. She is basically a deadbeat. I KNOW it's hard for a parent to leave their kids to make their own mistakes, but my parents are ALWAYS talking about how my sister would be so much better off had they let her fall on her own butt and learn to pick herself up.

She may whine and cry and tell you what a terrible, uncaring mother you are. But what's worse? Her having to learn to do things on her own while she's still young, or her at 45 having always depended on others her whole life, with no sense of self-reliance or responsibility, being alone and poor because people are finally fed up with her being a freeloader? But, I'm not a mom. It's easier for me to look at the situation objectively and tell you what you should be doing. But it would take a WHOOLE lot of courage and strength for parent to actually do what was necessary.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-28-2008 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by lovesherbs

This is my first post here. Hello everyone. My daughter is in her mid twenties. She has worked for me for over 5 years. During these 5 years, she comes in hours late or doesn't come in at all. (She doesn't get paid when she doesn't work, so she is hurting herself as much as my business). I loaned her money two years ago (thousands) and she has yet to pay back one penny. She keeps promising to start paying me back but each month there seems to be some problem with money. It's not a big deal to me and that's probably why she hasn't made any effort to pay me back.

I co-signed on a loan for her two months ago so she could pay off her credit card bills. (I know, I know, not smart). And the next day she slept through work again. To make a long story short, she missed work yesterday and came in 5 hours late today. Under her breath at her desk, she was mumbling something and I asked her what the problem was. She looked like she was going to burst into tears and said she wished she could win the lottery. I know that something will be up tomorrow at work about her borrowing money from me to pay June's rent.

I can't fire her from the job because of a past personal problem. There are only family members in the business so there aren't any resentful feelings. She always comes to me for help but not her father, we are divorced. She obviously has taken advantage of me in every way. I love her dearly and we get along always when there's no talk of money or work. I was just wondering what you all would say to her tomorrow when I get the "Can I borrow the rent money from you and I will pay you back next week" question. Thank you for any suggestions.

Hard call isn't it.

Perhaps due to the marriage break up when ever that was, you have made an extra effort to always be there. And, as such you have also put your hand in your pocket, perhaps feeling that your showing love... But tough love is better, in the end for that person, the individual..

She has grown to be in-dependent on you, your money but at the same time she is disrespectful to you... No morals what so ever, this must surely deeply hurt you...

In a way, i'd be real hard and make her seek alternative employment where she has no choice but to get there on time daily and get into a routine for herself, earn more money so she can support herself, stand on her own two feet.

Love is love, she's disrespecting you anyway, so she won't leave you and hate you... Especially if you help her find a job.

She may be very down, low in her life, the separation may have caused problems that you are not aware of also.

She seems a little lost to me... She has no financial values what so ever, and turns up late, like she doesn't care about life, nothing to aim at, nothing to go for, no goals? dreams?

I think you have to stop bailing her out, stop giving in, stop letting her diss you and start helping her stand on her own two feet personally.

Not always what we want to hear hey?

And the dad, should be playing a part and helping as well, just because she doesn't go to him doesn't mean he shouldn't be there.

Fact is, this can't keep going on for you... It's burning you and hurting you and your business.

This can't keep going on for her, she's slowly getting depressed over finances has no control and perhaps life in general.

Stand up and support in a different way, help her back on track, tough i know but she needs it. She'll thank you one day trust me.

CW

C · 05-28-2008 07:08 PM

Honey, maybe tonight when the house is quiet I will answer this....I hurt for you for I have walked your path in life.....Take care, Caroline

It will probably be four hours.....I have to do a blog for my site first...

**lovesherbs** · 05-28-2008 08:12 PM

CarolineWH, thank you for taking the time to respond to me later. I look forward to your post. I will read it in the morning.

ChandlersWish, we were separated and divorced 14 years ago. I know divorce affects the children long term and you may be right about it still affecting my daughter. We made sure both of our children had counseling during that time so I know that helped a bit. Her father and I have remarried and moved on with our lives. I think the problem with me is, I am trying not to be like my mother. In fact, I know this is my problem. I try so hard to be the opposite of the very very strict childhood that I had, that I am way too easy on everyone. It was all or nothing with my mother. Her way or the highway.

My daughter is seeking alternative employment at this point because she knows there's a problem here. I feel, though, that she won't find it because I make it too easy for her. It's weird because I am very strict about my boundaries when it comes to everyone else except my children. I guess it's easier for me to hand over the money and the job so I know they are all right than to fight them tooth and nail to stand on their own. That's something I really have to think about.

ChelseaRenee, you are right about it taking a whole lot of courage and strength to say NO to my kids.

Thanks so much for responding with sympathy. My new husband doesn't understand this situation at all so I ask him to keep his feelings to himself. My daughter thinks everything she does only affects her but she is wrong.

C · 05-28-2008 10:17 PM

Hi Again:

I think CW and ChelseaRenee's advice to you is wonderful...Both of them have hit the nail on the head...But sometimes we adult's can weave our own puzzle that a child cannot understand...As they age, they learn their own new rules and use us parents to their own gain...Not that they do not love us, but that they love themselves better. It is a hurtful part of life, but it is life...

I have a child that used me in life just as your child is using you...You can use a divorce or any excuse but that child was given all the love that they needed...Sure you tried to do what your Mother did not do for you, but their is a part of each child that knows right from wrong and a part that a conscience should guide...She has used you, like I was used. I found no fault where there was fault.....Even today you are making excuses for her just as I did for my child...We, or shall I say I, alone created that child. Years ago we saw this coming, but ignored it...Now we pay the price. It is not an easy lesson in life but years ago we just did not have a book to learn from and to be truthful, I would have ignored it...My child was special...It could do no wrong...

If you want this solved, you alone must solve it...She doesn't know how...She has never been taught to stand up for herself...You helped her up each time she has stumbled and kissed away her tears....I did this with my child too...All the rest of the family could see this, but not me...I saw my child in need. It needed me and I could not turn my back on it, for it was my child. In doing what I did, I wronged the child and made different rules in life for this child, and made the child special...All for keeping peace in the family...

You state she comes to you for help and not her Father...So did my child...Father could see through the child from day one...Mother was blind..After a while the Father gives up and stops trying to help for all Mother's have this tremendous love that blinds us. It is our flesh and blood and we cannot hurt it....We did not know that by not standing by our guns years ago, that we have hurt it worse...Now we must pay the price for our over zealous love and the child must somehow learn this lesson in life...

I don't think I agree with the poster that said that someday she will thank you for doing this...I will agree that eventually she will respect you for this...She now must learn how to be an adult..

In closing I will say one thing..Take back your life...Make your husband be your joy in life...Your child is not a child, but a grown woman...It is time for her to acknowledge this and act like it....Only when you have gone this route in life will you find the peace that you deserve....Much love, Caroline

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-28-2008 10:47 PM

lovesherbs
ChandlersWish, we were separated and divorced 14 years ago. I know divorce affects the children long term and you may be right about it still affecting my daughter. We made sure both of our children had counseling during that time so I know that helped a bit. Her father and I have remarried and moved on with our lives. I think the problem with me is, I am trying not to be like my mother. In fact, I know this is my problem. I try so hard to be the opposite of the very very strict childhood that I had, that I am way too easy on everyone. It was all or nothing with my mother. Her way or the highway.

I can relate to that very much so. I was a "cotton wool wrapped child", my Mother always feared that i would be taken, raped, killed or used... One of the lot bless her. But it caused a rift between us, and i left home at 16 to be, FREE....

I'm too much of a free spirit.....

I also had an Aunty that would stand up for me countless times, my Mother would also choose to blame me over my Brother, even when it was my Brother? lol... Lucky, i have a deep soul, i can look past anything. But, my Aunty raised her children non-strick... One still lives with her, he's 49? Rent Free!~~!~ etc....

ChelseaRenee
Her having to learn to do things on her own while she's still young, or her at 45 having always depended on others her whole life,

Like my cousin, at 49, totally agree...

Caroline
Take back your life...Make your husband be your joy in life...Your child is not a child, but a grown woman...

It is your life, don't forget that, Caroline is very right there.

If your current husband stays out of it, she may still feel a bit lost...as well...

We don't have to be like our Mother's but we don't have to be the complete opposite either, rather, ourselves and ensure our lives have foundation and happiness as well.

CW

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