Thread: Help!!! I'm too nice

I think that taking away priviledges can be effective however I think it is important to also praise the child when they show behaviour that you do find acceptable. I think that is often neglected. I think praising children with ADD is even more important as they are looking for attention so when your child is behaving in a more acceptable manner, giving praise is a very effective reinforcement tool. Look how well you played today, for example, or Thank you for being such a good boy today, I'm very proud of you, etc.

I understand your fear of disciplining him when first of all he is not your own son. However obviously as your relationship with this man continues you will become a bigger part of his life and thus will have increasing responsibility in the childs life. If you are serious about taking on the "mothering" role then, in terms of disciplining, you and your boyfriend need to be on the same page. As in you have to decide what behaviour is acceptable and what is not acceptable or you at least need to know what he has decided is acceptable and not acceptable. Acceptable would be play nicely, etc, unacceptable would be no swearing, no hitting etc.

I also think it is important to not raise your voice to a child as, like you said, it can be very intimidating and upsetting. However disciplining a child does not have to mean raising your voice. It is possible to discipline without loosing the cool and I think it is more important to not let the child get away with unacceptable behaviour. If you look at this from the prepective of what is best for the child, then I hope you would agree that consistency is what really matters. If bad behaviour is consistently reinforced as a negative thing it will stop and likewise if good behaviour is consistently reinforced as a positive thing it will flourish. If you let him get away with bad behaviour you are disrupting that consistency that is necessary for the childs growth. Obviously it is difficult with ADD but don't give up!

I would strongly recommend you look at this website Supernanny - Parenting Advice - Supernanny Techniques it is extremely effective in terms of the techniques it suggests you use for discipline.

The only question I can see that remains is how you feel about your role in this childs life. You mention that you don't feel like it is your place to raise the child at this point in your relationship with this guy. I don't know how you are getting on now as it is over a year since your post. However I think is issue that you need to discuss with him as getting involved in his life will mean getting involved in the childs life. If its the case that you are not sure about him and whether or not he is the guy for you, then I would recommend some more you and him time. Until you are ready to have the 'same page' conversation with him I would be careful about getting involved with his child.

I'm not sure if this will be any help to you now, a whole year later! but I hope it worked out for you.