my boyfriend and i come from different backgrounds and his family will not approve

**loveispain** · 07-29-2008 01:27 PM

My boyfriend and i adore each other. Theres only one verrry big problem and thats his family. I am Lebanese and he is Italan. Hes the oldest male in the family so he is to carry the family name and marry an italian woman. His mother, father and grandmother will give anything to see that we dont have any interraction, ro contact of any sort. They are totally against us being together. Its way out of my hands and i cant do or say anything because they dont think were together anymore. I dont know anything because hes on house arrest and i cant see him. Theyve given him an ultimatum..its either “her” or “us”. If he choses me he’ll lose everything he has and his family included. His father is very mindstrong and if he ever finds out hes seeing me only god knows what he’ll do. My boyfriend told me that the only way we can see eachother is to pretend were not in a relationship and just be ‘friends’. I can handle that but how long can we fake it for before someone finds out and everything turns sour? and then what......? i dont know what to do..the tables only turned when he wanted to take the relationship to the next level. Im so confused cos i know he loves me and i do to...all i want to do is make him happy, and i will if they only give me that opportunity and if they accept me and approve of us being together. Family is a very big thing and the last thing id ever do is pull him away from them. His parents dont know me well enough..and they will not approve mainly because of my background. I want things to change. All im asking for is acceptance. It hurts so much. any advice of any sort is appreciated. thankyou in advance.

**damd** · 07-29-2008 02:21 PM

I would love to tell you to go for it. Love is worth fighting for. They make movies about this type of thing and all those stories seem to work out in the end... This isn't the movies, it's real life. The fact is that there is such ingrown bigotry in the world that makes it impossible for two people like you two to get together. A relationship with with someone whos family does not like you is a huge strain and in the end could undue your relationship. However, it sounds like if you two continue then his family will disown him, so the strain might not be there at all. So what happens if you two don't get married? Then he was disowned for what?

I do not recommend hidding your relationship. If his family does become aware of what you two are up to I think it will only make things worse. They need to retract the ultimatum or he needs to come out and choose you. Maybe you two can warm their hearts up to you. But the way you describe his father nothing short of you magicaly becoming Italian is going to be good enough.

There is no easy answer here. So unfortuantley I really don't have any advice for you. You are faced with the same three choices, continue, hide it, or leave.

Good luck to you

**pattyb** · 08-29-2008 06:25 AM

Your situation is not unique...many others way back to Romeo and Juliet have had family conflicts. Love is so strong, especially when new, that it is hard to think of anything but
the beloved.

Here is my advice: 1. do not force him to make a choice; when things get bad, and they will at some point, he will blame you.

2. Take a break from each other..pretend he is on a ship and you can't get in touch. Make it for at least 3 months. You will need great strength to do this, but life takes all the strength you have anyhow. Keep a diary everyday of how you feel, how you miss him, of activities you can do to keep your mind occupied. This would be a good time to find an absorbing hobby. Write a story, learn to paint, take a good course in your career, form a bookclub, or movie club with friends. By the way, tell you friends you are trying to work things out and ask them to help you. Go to lunch with them, talk on the phone, go shopping. One thing you should not do is get involved in alcohol or drugs to ease your pain. Instead find a good counselor and unload on her. Ask her for coping strategies or
short term anxiety medication. Try to go out with groups of people, but don't look for a new boyfriend yet. It would not be fair to the new guy to get someone on the rebound.

3. A few things will happen. First, you will not be lying to his family. Your separation would be real. Second, he will have time to decide how he will live with you, and without his whole family support and society. Or he may decide he can live without you. This will be the worst news for your heart, but it will save you intense pain and trouble later.

4. Lastly, during this time, you MUST find a group to volunteer with that needs helping hands. Something happens in the brain when you are serving others that makes your own pain easier to bear.

5. If you are religious, pray everyday for guidance and comfort. It has been my experience that doors close for a reason, and that life is so amazing, that new things come along and you can go on.

All the best to you...there is no pain like a broken heart, but time does indeed ease that pain. No matter what happens, he will be your first great love, and perhaps when he is older and less dependent, fate may bring you back together. After 3 months, you may decide to go ahead with the relationship..but you both would have had time to think it through. Then you will know that it is meant to be.

good luck, and god bless!

**shweedart** · 09-02-2008 08:30 PM

Very Montague's and Capulet's but ever so less romantic

That's a terrible situation, I wish there were something I could say on the subject.

I only hope, for you and your boyfriends sake that things improve

**rcoreyus** · 09-03-2008 11:40 AM

What a touch situation. How old are you (can he support himself?). What is it his parents object to - just that you are Lebanese? It sure is tempting to mail them a copy of Romeo and Juliette - but that probably isn't a real good idea.

If you can support yourselves, I think you should be together - you may never forgive yourself for giving up on love. If you are too young - then wait.

**Skybluupink** · 12-31-2008 04:00 PM

First off, age is a huge thing - are you two young? That could be the thing his family is concerned of most of all.

I have been through this, first hand! My husband and I had dated for 6 years, prior to getting engaged. The entire time his father wouldn't give me a chance and all the while his mom acted as though she loved me. When we got engaged his mom was completely against it and his dad welcomed me with open arms - huh?! The entire family was in an uproar about it, umm excuse me? We were 25, planning a two year engagement due to finances and finishing school. For a short time my husband began to doubt if it was a good thing to stay together knowing that there may be an uphill battle with his family for the rest of our marriage and that it could break us. But then he began to stand up for himself and what HE wanted.

He took a stand with his family and told all of them that he is a grown man and will marry who HE chooses is right for him. Afterall, you are never going to please everyone! He stood by me and his decision and we were married two years later. The months leading up to our wedding is when his mom and the rest of the family started to shop for their dresses and started being more supportive. We paid for everything in cash so that we didn't rely on anyone for anything.

When the day came, it was a truly beautiful and blessed day. Our families and friends were happy and happy for us. His family embraced me and showed a ton of love and respect that day - it was truly, truly miraculous.
We took off on our honeymoon and returned to a joyous welcome by his family. Through the first few years, they didn't always invite us to things and when they did it was last minute, they are all very passive/aggressive, but we have our own lives too and made it a point to not show up to things we didn't want to go to and especially if it was brought to our attention just the day before. It sent a message and now things couldn't be better. We have hosted a few occassions and all have been great. My husband and I have learned to distance ourselves emotionally and not let things get to us. We have lives and our own family that need and deserve everything we have to offer.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is do not let ANYONE break up a good thing. For the most part, a lot of people go through this type of situation when things gets more serious. I come from a strong-willed, big Italian family and my cousin, like your boyfriend, went through this same exact thing. He stood by his decision and did not listen to his parents or his favorite uncle and carried through with his decision to marry his girlfriend. They have been married for several years now and have two beautiful kids together and everyone is happy - his parents included. So you see, people get over it. Just have faith. Take care!

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