Mom borrowing money

**macrod** · 07-29-2008 03:31 PM

My Mom borrowed $1000 from me last week. This time last year she borrowed $2000. 4.5 years ago she borrowed $2200 (we took it out in trade, she babysat for me), but I would have liked to have had the money instead. She told me that she would pay me back but she didn't. I beginning to get real resentful and I do not like the feeling. I can't bring myself to talk to my Mom. She has never been good with money. She likes to go to the casinos. She and my Dad are retired and they live off of ss and his pension with they invested and draw from the interest. Her problem is she draws too much and always owes taxes. She is also sick. She is going thru a battery of test and has yet to be diagnosed. I worry that it could cancer as she has the symptoms. I have 3 siblings and only 1 has loaned her money. The other 2 are always broke. Here comes my other resentment- yet my sister always finds the money to take vacation, buy the latest gagdets and designer purses. I am the opposite. I try to save for a rainy day. I do not have alot of money. My dh and I live modestly. My dh told me that we are not giving anymore - not until someone else gives and we find out what the heck my Mom is doing. My question is do I have the right to feel resentment towards my Mom? I love her but right now I feel like her bank. I also do not like the position that she has placed me in with my dh. Also, how can I get all of my siblings to do there part? Thanks!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-29-2008 03:40 PM

You can't... With respect to getting your siblings to do their part. And, your resentment is also because your Mother "thinks" you have to pay her to babysit? She is a Grandmother, they do that for the love of it, not for money.

That's her excuse and way out.

The Money situation is her problem, it would be different if she asked because the hot water system broke down and they were freezing, that you could comprehend as you "helped" your Mother.

The only way you can solve this is to lie.

You have to stand your ground now, and you have to pretend that circumstances have changed financially and you are in trouble, you don't have any money spare.

She may very well then turn to the siblings, if she can no longer turn to you, as she still needs to be fed money.

Whilst your doing it, they will not bother why should they, you make more money, or so they think.

We can't chose our parents unfortunately and their habits or things that we don't like, or agree with as we are different from them.

Try changing your verbal words to the whole family that things are tight, make up things if you have to, but it's the only way i can see that you can free yourself, without exploding and saying, my dh said no more and causing a rift.

CW

**damd** · 08-01-2008 01:30 PM

There is a reason why money and family don't mix. I had a situation where I lent my mother $1000 which was not the first time. She said that she would pay me back, so a few months went by. Finally after about 6 months I brought it up in a conversation and stated that I kindof needed it, a lie. But later on that month she did pay me back. Simular situation with my sister-in-law, needless to say we don't lend her money anymore. I made that point clear to her. So what do you do. Well CW is right, you are going to have to lie. You just don't have the money, things are a little tight, by the way do you have that $1000 I lent you (or $2200 or how much she owes you)? If your mom comes asking from you direct her to your sister.

So yeah, you do have a right to feel some resentment, even though she is your mother. She is making it difficult on your family.

Good luck to you

**pattyb** · 09-11-2008 03:19 PM

Hi, this is a tough situation whether it is family or friends. lending money is so emotionally charged. I have had friends who have asked for loans. What i have said to myself is, can I afford to "give" this money? If i can, then in my head I think of it as a gift, not a loan. If I cannot, then I say, I'm sorry, but we are a little short ourselves now. Most of the time people who borrow from friends and family, are in financial trouble, and you can not be assured they will pay back. If you will be resentful of this, you must get the backbone to say no.

You mother is pathetic, in my opinion. any mother who borrows from her kids and does not pay back is dishonest. She should say to you..i lost $1000 at the casino and now we can't pay the rent. If she won't be honest, then I say let her learn. If she can't get $$ from you or the sibs, then she will be in trouble. Your father needs to know about the loans, by the way.

good luck!

**Fire(m)** · 09-13-2008 10:26 AM

Here's another take on it.
Tell your mom that over the past 5 years she has borrowed $5,000 or whatever the correct amount is...from you. Tell her you'll forgive those debts altogether. She has a clean slate with you and doesn't owe you a cent. But, what you get out of it is that she doesn't ever ask you for more money.
If she decides to pay you back your $5k on her own accord (remember she's no longer obligated to) then fine, but if not, she is forgiven the debt.
Then you can move forward with your relationship with your Mom and have a clean conscience about it.

If you decide to GIVE your Mom any money in the future, then you do it out of the goodness of your heart with the clear understanding that you are GIVING her money, not LOANING her money.

I think that part of the problem you have is that you know this has always been paraphrased as a LOAN. Clearly, it has proven not to be a loan, but a coherced, involuntary gift.

Another approach is, next time your Mom asks you for a loan of $1,000 then tell her you don't have $1,000 to loan her but you'd be happy to GIVE her $100, or $250 or whatever you feel like you WANT to give her.

You could also use my wife's approach which is not to give the money to her, but to buy what it is she is in such desperate need of, with a TWIST. For example: A friend of ours used to hit me up for $50 or $100 bucks every few weeks for groceries to feed her kids with. My wife went and bought $50 worth of groceries for this lady's kids last time she asked. It was all great, nutritious food (most of which required the mom to cook, not just to take her fat a__ down to McDonalds, and there were no cigarettes or beer purchased with the $50). That was the last time this woman asked us for money and it was about 5 years ago. We're still friends with her and such, and although her financial condition hasn't improved, she doesn't ask us for money anymore.

Cheers.

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