my daughter and her step dad dont get along

**tara50** · 08-03-2008 11:55 PM

Hi everyone , this site seems very supportive and i needed to get something off my chest, any advice or understanding would be great....I remarried 3 yrs ago to really great man who i love very much.. My daughter was 12 when we got married, and has always had a hard time getting along with my new husband...her biological dad is also in her life and we have always had shared custody of her,,although she lives with him primarily...

After i married my second husband i wanted my daughter to move in with us...she refused to do so sinse her friends lived near her dad...My new husband also did not like the idea of her moving in for different reasons...This was hard for me to accept, but evantually i did and my daughter would come over every weekend (only wanting to spend time with me and not my husband.)

There were a few arguments before this and on some level i didnt blame my daughter because i grew up in a big family and my parents were married for fifty years before my mom passed away...I couldnt imagine what it would have been like to have a step dad...
I love my husband but at times he could be critical of her and somewhat intimadating..He is a very sweet person and has done alot for me and my daughter in the beginning of our relationship we all got along great and did alot together. but after we got married things started to change...not only was my daughter having a hard time being around him, but my husband was dealing with health issues..he was diagnosed with hepatitus c and went on interferon ( chemotherapy drug that made him more irritable..then he started getting all kinds of health problems and we were in and out of the ER almost every month...

I also struggled with being a new wife ,and i had such a hard time being in the hospital espessially when he had to get some major surgery done and at one point we even thought he had cancer..he went in for test after test...and thank god he was okay...by the way I am 42 years old and my husband is 52.his biggest complaint about my daughter is that she is rude.. he says that she never says hello to him, or thank you or please...he says that neither my daughter or I appreciate anything he does and it breaks my heart because I do appreciate it i just dont always let him know that...and my daughter,,is a very sweet person..shes 15 now and has alot more on her mind then any of this... she is a good girl..never gets in trouble at school, has never used drugs or drank or any of the things i was doing at her age..She has alot of good freinds who she can talk to..She is shy though and i think she is afraid to say hello to my husband everytime she see's him..my husbands family is extremely polite all the time and this makes me feel like my daughter is some kind of misfit...my husband and I seperated seven months ago and are now back together....sinse we've been back my daughter and I both have tried to change..(be more grateful for the things he does for us and my daughter has tried to reach out to him...but he doesnt seem to care ..he says that he has accepted the fact that my daughter is my main priority..although i dont think that is entirely true...he is also a priority....My husband has always loved me and has treated me better then any man ever has..he has alot of great qualitys..and hes my best friend...my daughter and i do alot together but we do the things that he has no interest in doing...on the other hand my husband and i do things together also...I love my daughter and i love my husband...and its killing me that they seem to hate eachother...my daughter refuses to come over anymore because the other nite my husband and her got into another argument...my doctor tells me i am under too much stress...and he recomended a marriage and family phycoligist...we go tommorrow nite....I am so sorry that this is such a long thread...but i needed to get all of this out...and hope that someone out there has maybe gone through something similar..any advise for me and for my husband and daughter would be great...because i know that they are suffering over this as much as i am....thanks...

**damd** · 08-04-2008 12:44 AM

First I will say that I have not gone through what you are going through. I am a father of two very young children but if you will allow me...

Your daughter has to come first. Your husband might not like that or even have an appreciation for that but you are a mother first. Your daughter is at a very critical age in her development into adulthood, you have to be there and supportive for her. The priority of every parent is to raise a child able to function and succeed in the world. Additionaly with regards to your husband. As you have experienced already men can come into your life and they can go. Your husband today might not be your husband tomorrow but you daughter will alway be that, your daughter.

So, my suggestion is that have discussion with your husband. He is 52 your daughter is 15, he is the adult. He needs to have patience and not get wrapped up with your daughters moods. He needs to take on a more supportive role so that she can move on with her life. 18 are we talking about her being in college? What are her future goals? The point is that hopefully in the next few years she will be not so dependant on you and more ......

Your daughter, is there anything that they both like, a common intrest? I would not force them to engage with each other but can you three do something that you all can enjoy? You also (which I am sure that you have done) need to explain to your daughter that she might not like your husband, but she needs to be at the very least civil.

I don't know what your schedule is like, but can you and your husband spend Friday night with each other, than Sat with your daughter, and Sun with the two of them.

Hopefuly, you will get some great professional help tomorrow. Let us know how it goes. I hope the best for you and your family.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-04-2008 03:10 AM

I think it is normal to try to have some form of acceptance of some one's child when in a new relationship and he tried.

I think that she as you feel is the case, has a hard time having a Step Dad, feeling even maybe that she has a Dad, and doesn't want her Dad to think she doesn't love him and also may not have got over the break up of you both. She was 12 when you met your new husband and rebelled.

I think his illness also has made him 1) aware of how precious life is and 2) that his tolerance has fallen downhill. And, that he needs a lot of support and love due to the problems, even the scare of Cancer, whilst you are still probably trying to concentrate on your daughter, because she is your priority and he feels/ sees this maybe, whilst you off course love him and i am sure he knows this, but your daughter comes first, up-most and foremost and it shows.

He wants to feel at least equal and if you ask yourself what you express the most, even talking to your daughter to ask her as you probably did, let's both try harder after the separation, he sees it as trying not that you are showing him the love he needs.

It is natural for a Mother to protect and give her child more love.

It is natural for a child to favour her dad over a step dad.

And yes, as Damd said "she is blood" but somehow you have to marry it all together for this marriage to work for you.

I think that he dearly wants to be loved by both of you, not that you try as being false but it being true and i think he has fear of death as well and has given up on that belief.

He knows that it is hard to enter a family and not have what would be the case, two loving people in his life, when there was always someone else.

Sometimes it is hard.

Your therapy is a good idea let him express his honest thoughts and sometimes maybe even back off over what he thinks is un-fair to him and try to see his way, instead of your daughters, perhaps you are always thinking she's right and he's wrong when maybe what he sees has some foundation after all.

Just an opinion only, may not be correct but trying to feel why he feels this way.

I also agree with Damd that you need to try to mix things together where the three of you get used to spending time together over something you can actually call Family time, your family time, he's in your life now, he's your husband. Let her slowly get used to it and find it fun after all and release her shyness over it all. It's hard for her most probably having two dads.

CW

**shweedart** · 08-04-2008 05:45 AM

Im 16 and from a teenagers point of view (about her being rude...'thankyou' and 'pleases')
We wont respect someone until respect it shown to us and vice versa Im sure but your husband, regardless of health problems sounds a wee bit childish himself? What more do you expect from a teenager who doesn't see her mum as much as she'd like to due to a new husband who doesn't seem like he'd even try to make time for the 2 of you together?

My parents have recently split up and im not that close to my mum so i'll change it do my dad...If my dad remarried then his new wife gave me a dodgy vibe then I'd do everything in my power to make her life in all honesty

Plus your daughters still probably hurting from the fact you and your ex husband split up in the first place

**make her life

Ok it wont let my write 'H**ll'

**damd** · 08-04-2008 02:06 PM

Originally Posted by shweedart

...My parents have recently split up and im not that close to my mum so i'll change it do my dad...If my dad remarried then his new wife gave me a dodgy vibe then I'd do everything in my power to make her life h**ll in all honesty...

Not critizing sheedart, but I think this underlines the immature nature of the age group in which we are speaking about. That is why it is more important that the adult behave in a manner that reflects his age. In essence, he needs to take the high road. One might be always polite and courteous but it is another thing to actually mean it.

Good luck

**shweedart** · 08-11-2008 01:16 PM

I see where your coming from but I'd only behave like that if my dads new wife gave out the obvious impression that Im not wanted around

**aimz_34** · 01-20-2010 11:32 AM

Im 18 now and would like to give you my point of view. My mum remarried when i was 8. At the time i can remember really wanting to get on with my step dad as I didnt have contact with my real father. However my step dad made it clear from the beginning that all me and my brother were was something he had to put up with. He never saw any good in us and critiscised us constantly. I started trying to do things round the house and tried to be helpful and tried to get along with him because i wanted my mum to be happy. By the time i was a teenager i just found myself unable to put up with the bullying and the name calling off my stepdad anymore. I was constantly upset and crying and at a point where i was actually scared of him. I can understand the rudness youre daughter shows as i did the same. I was too scared to say please and thank you or to say anything at all, because in my mind that would have been opening myself up to more critiscism. Just because whatever i did wasnt good enough anyway so why bother. I guess i was depressed looking back on the time. People think its strange that me and my brother dont get along with our stepdad as there wasnt really anything huge that set it off. Its just that the constant arguing and put downs since we were small has built up and built up until we realised our stepdad didnt deserve our respect. We had made a constant effort with him to have it thrown back in our faces time and time again. So we stopped hiding our feelings and began arguing back whenever he started with us. Im 18 nowand im trying my best at the moment not to be arguing constantly. But im thinking about leaving my home because i cant deal with the stress anymore. Basically, If things are getting so bad i think you should leave this guy because youre daughter should come first. My mum always stuck with my step dad over me and my brother no matter what he did or said. And i guess i find myself hating her sometimes for bringing so much misery into my life. I know its a bad thing to say, but i cant help how i feel.

**sarahlee20** · 02-04-2010 07:11 AM

I see aimz where you are coming from. My mom after 11 years of being divorced/being alone remarried this weekend in Las Vegas after knowing the man only 6 months.

The way you discribed your step dad is how i feel about mine. She's only known him for 6 months.He is the most arrogant piece of BS i've ever seen or met. He treats me like how you were describing your step dad treating you. Your lucky though to have your real father in your life.I sadly did not.

I am 22 and still trying to deal it daily my moms new husband and my dads absence. What mostly bothers me is how her husbands gets my fiance and i into fights always over money..etc If you need to talk i'm here. You can always IM me.

Originally Posted by aimz_34

Im 18 now and would like to give you my point of view. My mum remarried when i was 8. At the time i can remember really wanting to get on with my step dad as I didn't have contact with my real father. However my step dad made it clear from the beginning that all me and my brother were was something he had to put up with. He never saw any good in us and critiscised us constantly. I started trying to do things round the house and tried to be helpful and tried to get along with him because i wanted my mum to be happy. By the time i was a teenager i just found myself unable to put up with the bullying and the name calling off my stepdad anymore. I was constantly upset and crying and at a point where i was actually scared of him. I can understand the rudness youre daughter shows as i did the same. I was too scared to say please and thank you or to say anything at all, because in my mind that would have been opening myself up to more critiscism. Just because whatever i did wasnt good enough anyway so why bother. I guess i was depressed looking back on the time. People think its strange that me and my brother dont get along with our stepdad as there wasnt really anything huge that set it off. Its just that the constant arguing and put downs since we were small has built up and built up until we realised our stepdad didnt deserve our respect. We had made a constant effort with him to have it thrown back in our faces time and time again. So we stopped hiding our feelings and began arguing back whenever he started with us. Im 18 nowand im trying my best at the moment not to be arguing constantly. But im thinking about leaving my home because i cant deal with the stress anymore. Basically, If things are getting so bad i think you should leave this guy because youre daughter should come first. My mum always stuck with my step dad over me and my brother no matter what he did or said. And i guess i find myself hating her sometimes for bringing so much misery into my life. I know its a bad thing to say, but i cant help how i feel.

**zstrat** · 12-08-2010 11:59 PM

Hi,

I know I am a male posting on womens health.com but I was looking for answers online and ran across this thread. I would like to here everyones thoughts on this as I am a step-dad going through the same issue. After reading all of your responses, I feel like I am doing all of these things and still not getting through to her. I have been with my girlfriend for over 3 yrs and we are doing great and I am madly in love with her. She has 3 kids 2 boys 10 & 12 and 1 Girl 15. I get along great with the boys but have trouble with her daughter. In some cases she goes out of her way to be rude to me or put me down and I have really gotten tired of being treated so poorly. I treat her as I would treat my own daughter if I had one. We do like to joke around and tease each other (playfully). But I do show that I love and support her by giving her hugs (when were getting along) and taking her to do nice things, drive her to friends, pick her up, take her to get sushi even when dinner is planned, take her side in discussions with her mother when I feel she is right. What I am trying to say is that I feel I show up for her and the family everyday as a (bio) father should and am generally a fair guy. I am not saying I do everything perfect, I can lose my temper or have a short fuse but rarely do I yell. I do try to hold a level of respect in the house and rules that should be followed and can get firm and may be a bit of a stickler. There is an age difference between her mother and I. Her father and her are very close but he is a loser who hasnt paid child support in 3 years, lives with a stripper, hides from child support enforcement, basically a criminal. Of course he pulls the wool over her and the boys eyes and her mother and I dont feel its right to tell the kids the truth (child support, stripper, and all) but we also want them to understand the type of person he is. As the kids grow older I think they are growing wiser and maybe that has some effect on her (disappointed/resentment) but its hard for me to get through. Some people say the rudeness is just the age but me as a teen with a step-dad I always remember deep down loving, appreciating, and respecting him (we didn't get along all the time). All I want is to have the same level of love and respect that I give to her. I just want to know if I may be doing something wrong, if its just her age and she will grow out of it (dont believe), or there is something deeper here that I am missing. I am probably not as good of a dad as I have made it sound here and I may miss things about me that I am doing wrong, but I would really like to make this relationship work. If anyone knows how she might be feeling on the inside (same situation) or has been through a similar sit. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks so much in advance and sorry for the novel

Sincerely,
Z

**Hugo-B** · 09-27-2012 10:00 AM

I think these problems largely stem from the fact that - whilst it's easy to state that children come first - in practice a single parent (typically, but not always the mom) needs the love, support, and comfort (or as close to it as she can get) of a partner whilst she is doing her best to deal with the emotional, physical, and financial pressure of raising a child single-handedly.

I didn't have step parents nor have I ever been a step father or come close to it; I had a GF with two children who I spent a little time with, and I often wondered how a grown man could bring himself to hector and berate (or even worse) innocent, vulnerable children, and the only conclusion I reached was that the world has an abundance of sick twisted A-holes in it.