Thread: need help with depressed adult son..long post

It's true that motherhood never ends. I need help with my 34 year old son who is living with us after a series of unexpected problems. His background is that he is very bright, a computer software engineer who has been depressed and hard to talk to for the last 10 years or so. He takes zoloff and ritalin, but he is still not able to live a balanced life. He obsesses about work, and does not keep normal social contact with friends and family. A month ago he was living in NYC working long hard hours and earning over $100,000 a year. In the space of 3 weeks everything changed. He found out the sublet he was renting was not authorized and was told suddenly to move. That is not easy to do in Manhattan. He asked for vacation time which he was due to find a place and to move his stuff to our home about 2 hrs away until he could relocate.

Because of his talent he had been asked to present at a small conference in his field which was taking place that week. He was debating whether to go, but we encouraged him to take the 2 days and go have some fun. He went to the conference and was a big hit...he even got some indications of job offers. He was genuinely happy about this and called us with the rare smile in his voice. On his way back, he got a voicemail from a friend at work saying the company had a surprise phone conference and it was announced that my son was fired! It seems the boss found out he had gone to the conference and said he lied about needing to find an apartment. My son was shocked and humiliated. He talked to the boss when he got home here, and the guy, who is viewed as very nasty by all the workers, allowed him to resign instead of being fired.

This has hit him like a ton of bricks. he is living here...we have plenty of space so he has
a little area over the garage to himself. he has plenty of money, and is paying us. he is leaving in a few days to visit the one friend he stays in touch with all the time..who lives in Germany.

Here is my concern: he is like a ghost around here...sleeping during the day, up watching tv at night. avoiding even speaking to us most of the time. I saw this break as a chance for him to tend to the other areas of his life, but he just locks himself in and is on the computer for hours. He is eating well, but often not with us. he is drinking 3-5 beers a day and not shaving, or changing his clothes. I know he is depressed and needs to get better meds..see a doctor, but his medical plan won't cover our state and so he would have to go back to NY to do that and doesnt want to.

We love him so much and feel his pain, but wonder what should we do when he comes back? He has qualified for unemployment, and even tho he has those job possibilities, he is not pursuing them. How do we help him get over this traumatic series of events and get
into a situation that is not so stressful?

thanks for reading this...any help most welcome.

That's great news Patty :0 You are so right the IT mind is so different than ours. It seems to have no sense of time in the everyday world. He may think he paid the bills the other day but really it was 2 months ago. Good idea to set him up with a housekeeper and automatic payments.

The IT guy i know is brilliant but has trouble coping and stresses out about some of the smallest things in life not anything job related but i guess the everyday mundane activities. He also suffers from a bit of depression too.

They use their minds so much it gets over worked easily so i remind my friend that excersise ,nutrional food, and proper sleep is a must. It really does help mild depression encourage your son to join a team sport, gym or some home weights.

take care keep us posted