Thread: sister in law as permanent room mate

oooppsss I hit something and did not get to complete my previous post. I forgot where I was but I think I was saying my sis in law had not been anywhere since she moved in with us because now we need a baby sitter for our dogs. (She works sat night thru wed night, so really she couldn't go with us for a weekend trip anyway)
Last week she went out to lunch with a couple of friends from work and I'm not exagerating, it was the FIRST time she had been anywhere without me and my husband. (she'll go to target or something on her day off, every once in a while. Most of the time she gets off Wed morning and stays in the room watching TV until it's time to go back to work Sat. night.
I know she's got to be depressed, but when we mention it, that maybe she should go to the dr. she just gets offensive and says she doesn't want to go to the Dr. (she says she can't afford it) They do have insurance at wallmart...she goes to th dentist. As long as I have known her she has gone to the Dr. ONE time. I mean, I don't think she has ever had a pelvic exam and maybe only one mamogram years ago. (she's a smoker too) She actually had an opportunity to go to work with a large pet store chain in their new warehouse 10 minutes from our house. They hired her last summer, she was a nervous wreck before she even knew what she was going to have to do. They put the new people on fork lifts for training. (the warehouse was still empty at the time). From the very first day she kept saying she knew she would make a mistake and couldn't drive the thing. I kept on telling her that it would just take practice like everything else. (the job would have paid quite a bit more eventually, had better benefits and retirement)

Their dad passed around this time she was in trainging and when we got back from the funeral, she went in and quit the job after only two weeks of training. She went right back to wal mart making even less than she was before and lost her vacation days.

Now if I was rich I wouldn't mind taking care of my husbands whole family (his 33 year old son came up about 2 months ago for "a few days" and ended up spending 6 weeks with us. He's even working w/ my husband now luckily they sent a team out of town including my step son for a month. I told my husband after about the second week and he was acting like he was planning on staying........either you talk to him or I'm leaving. Of course they can't afford to live without my paying most all of the bills.

Sis in law depends on us even on her days off to bring her something to eat (if we happen to go out without her) usually she just is too lazy to get dressed. I used to work at home on fridays, but I realized if I"M there, she will not even attempt to clean any part of the house. Like this past friday, my husband asked me what was for dinner. I told him "nothing". There was not way in heck I was going to come home after commuting 1 hour each way.....working 9 1/2 hours and make THEM something to eat. I hate to take it out on my husband, but his sister had been there since Wednesday morning and hadn't attempted to cook a thing.

I layed out some chicken to make chicken fingers for my husband Saturday, but I wasn't going to cook until late in the evening. Well low and belhold, she must have been starving, she actually cooked the chicken herself!!!!!!

Everyone always ask if she's mentally retarted because of her age, and living with us. She's definetly not, maybe backward,or socially inept. she's never had a boyfriend, has 0 self esteem and you can barely hold a conversation with her because she doesn't know about anything worth talking about. She's what I call a Debbie Downer and a nervous nellie. She has bad nerves, she walks around scratching the back of her neck and her crotch, like a man! She does it right in fron of us. I guess you can tell she's just getting on my last nerve. I would DIE before I would hurt her feelings. We can't afford to finish our basement and put an apartment down there. No, I can't afford to help her rent an apartment either. (She has no clue how much rent costs are)

My husband has not actually come out and made me promise or anything. But I think he assumes that if something happens to him (he's 53, I'm 46) and he has some medical issues, I think he assumes that i will continue to take care of her until our old age. (god willing). Ifeel like everyone's mother!!!! And I never had children of my own. (how could I have had time) I mean, we're the only family she has except some elderly aunts. My husband's son's have not grown up yet and can barely keep a job and a place to live. I really love my husband but the resentment has been building up so much lately that I feel like running away!!!! of course I can't I have to work and I wouldn't leave my dogs with them. I guess I need some sort of break but I can't figure out how to manage it without much money.

Is this whole situation my fault for letting it happen in the first place.??? I just thought she would have a life by now, as would his sons. (like their own home and maybe an intact family unit ) Even if it is my fault, and it doens't seem to bother my husband too much,until I unententionaly take it out on him. He's like "what am I supposed to do??" I can't kick her out. IKNOW THAT that's my whole problem..........there's no answer!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry so long, I have to vent or I'd go crazy.

I know someone like that...and there are 2 issues. One is, are you able to just let her be..going to work, watching tv, etc? The other is, how capable is she of contributing to her own care? If the answer to #1 is yes, then you need to decide how much you will do for her and how much she needs to do for herself. I do think she has a mental impairment. Probably not in the learning section of the brain, but maybe in the part that controls motivation, interest, ability to cope. It seems reasonable to sit with her and ask her how she thinks she can help you in the daily duties of the house. Tell her you are running out of steam and need her assistance. have a list of chores you know she can do, and ask her which ones she wants to do. You might say, if this would mean anything to her, if you do all the laundry, and folding, I will have more time...maybe we could watch American Idol together.
This is a situation where you can spend years and years, and lots of energy upset, or you can draw a line in the sand. I know, I have been there. It is not easy, but neither is how you are living now.

Keep us posted.