Help me motivate my wife to exercise and eat better

**kiefmo** · 04-25-2011 07:18 AM

Here's the situation --

We're young -- I'm 28 and she's 30. We have three small children, 3, 18mo, and 4 mo. She's at home with them all day while I work. I leave the house at 5:30 am to go exercise before work and do not get home until 4:30 pm, after work. I come home to an exhausted wife who wants nothing more than to deposit the kids on me while she enters a vegetative state in front of her netbook and the TV, usually with some sort of unhealthy snack and wine in hand. She says she deserves it for keeping the kids all day.

It's really hard to argue any different -- the older kids can be a handful, and the 4 month old still needs to be held most of the time, even when he isn't nursing.

Most days, when I walk through the door, I start my third job (I have a second hourly job on weekends in addition to my salaried, benefitted job on weekdays). It starts with getting dinner on the table, then moves to getting the kids ready and into bed, and finally to cleaning up the kitchen, living areas, doing laundry, and any other things that need to get done. My wife mostly sits and directs.

As you can see with the ages of our kids, my wife has spent much of the past few years pregnant. She is 5'4" and about 195 right now. Her pre-pregnancy weight before the first kid was 180. This might not seem like that bad of an accumulation after 3 kids, but it is more than that -- at 180, she was muscular, loved playing sports and exercising, had good blood pressure and better eating habits. She also never complained about exhaustion and muscle pain, seemingly able to go all day without effort.

Now, she has zero interest in working out, just her cookies, ice cream, and wine, and her muscle tone has given way to the jiggles. She hasn't just put on 15 lbs of fat, she's lost muscle mass. Her doc thought she was depressed and started her on zoloft, which has helped, but really it's only gotten us to the present state from one that involved constant yelling and crying on her part, and subsequent bitterness on mine. Now instead of yelling, she just doesn't care.

I think that a big cause is her health. Her blood pressure is way up, which she sees as no problem since her mother, who has NEVER taken care of herself, has always had HBP and "looks fantastic" (she doesn't) at 65. The overindulgence in sugar surely can't be helping things, either. She often claims to be "starving" after we've finished a big dinner and eats a bunch of junk until she feels satisfied. I know a nursing mother needs more calories than usual, but is the evening, just before bed, the best time to get them, and are fatty snacks and sweets the best things to eat? I can't see how that'd be true.

If I can find some way to encourage her to exercise, I think it'd help a lot. What I've considered doing is a second workout myself in the evening, right in front of her -- one of her cardio DVDs, of which she has many leftover from when she exercised regularly. An easy one, just 30 minutes or so, since I run every morning and want to maintain that, and I don't want the exercise to intimidate her into not bothering at all (we'll stay away from Jillian's 30-day shred video for now). I've done them with her in the past, and she's remarked how amusing it is to watch me perform the moves, so maybe getting her to laugh is the first step, then I can encourage her to join me?

Am I expecting too much from my wife? Should I just let her linger in this state until the kids get older and hope she'll snap out of it? I have no problem with my "third job", but I wish I could get her to do something instead of park herself and eat cookies while I work until bed time.

Sorry for the long post. Thanks if you made it all the way through. Ask any questions you want for further explanation or clarification.

**Claret** · 04-25-2011 08:08 AM

Wow, with a 4 mo baby and other toddlers I'm wondering that she finds time to bathe let alone exercise. You will not be able to shame her into exercising, nor should you even try the "look at me, routine". What she probably needs is at least once a week, have someone come in and care for the children, help with the housework and give her some time off. A surprise trip to a spa or hair salon, a make-up session and a shopping trip with adult friends might just lift her spirits more than any anti-depressant.

At 4 months she is still carrying the extra weight a baby contributes to a mother, hormones are probably still swinging up and down and more than likely she is exhausted.

Take her out on a date, treat her as a woman not the mother of your children and give her back some of her original identity which oftentimes gets lost when you are a stay-at-home Mom.

Give her a break! One way to encorporate some fitness may be to pack up the kids and put them in strollers, and just go for a walk around the block. This will benefit her physically and mentally and most importantly provide family time.

Your "Third Job" should not be considered a "job". You are the Father and you should be connected to those children. Helping putting them to bed, doing dishes, cooking meals can and should be a shared responsibility. With a 4-month old, 18 mo and pre-school toddler, your wife has a full day. You have the ability to interact with other adults/people while at work, her day begins and ends with changing diapers. Help her out, get the kids to bed early, provide some free time in the evening for the two of you to discuss the day.

I will agree to just hand-them-over to you and not participate in any evening rituals may be a tad selfish and I'd certainly talk to her about helping out at least until they get into bed. Perhaps while she makes dinner, you could do the Father thing with the kids, or help fold laundry etc. Split some of these evening activities.

Good luck.

**KMonte85** · 04-25-2011 09:01 AM

From the sounds of it, her exercising isn't the major issue here. It is a symptom of what seems to be utter exhaustion and perhaps (as her Dr. honed in on) depression.

You can't make someone get motivated to exercise and eat better. It has to come from within... and a woman in her state isn't going to be motivated to take care of herself when she's grasping at straws just getting by the way it is.

I'd say a second visit to the doctor is in order, with you along for support and an honest opinion. If she's just placently getting by on her Zoloft then perhaps there are other treatments available to her. Maybe she can be tested for post-partum depression, maybe she can be referred to a counselor.

If she can feel better about herself, about her life, and get out of the funk, there is a lot bigger likelyhood that she will start feeling well enough and energized enough to make some lifestyle changes.

And be careful - telling her she's getting 'jiggly' or pushing her into exercising will probably work against you and make her even less motivated.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-25-2011 03:57 PM

I agree, a drink in the hand is depression, perhaps it's too much for her, the "needy" of the children. Maybe she thought she could cope but it's obvious she can't or else she wouldn't be delegating to you as soon as you walk in the door and drinking at 430pm in the late afternoon either...

If she has you cooking and putting the kids to bed, do you get to see how she is around her children? It sounds to me that she has postnatal depression and that really needs to be addressed..

Google it and you'll gain the picture.

Can you afford to have someone come in and clean? You can't carry on two jobs yourself as well as taking over the housework and parenting, you'll burn out...

Try and get her to do things with you, ie) you've decided to have a passion for cooking but you want to experiement with dishes and you want her to do it with you, with her glass of wine, for fun, together....

As it's 4.30pm try to pack them all up in a car and go for a walk through the forest, or a zoo.. once a week to start with and then bring it to twice, etc...

Definately try to get the "boyfriend/girlfriend" side of what you had, back....things that will make her smile, laugh, reduce the stress with a cleaner if possible....and for you as well..

CW

**Roxanney** · 04-28-2011 01:12 AM

Wow,four babies and young children more hair I want the time to overcome his bath,let alone exercise.You can pity him to exercise, or do you still try to "look at me the way."What he probably at least once a week someone comes on and off care for children to help their homework and some time.Surprise trip to the spa or hairdresser,make-up,and enter the shopping spree with the spirit of their adult friends just might be more than any antidepressant.You don't need any fear about to carry on this problem.I hope It will be solve earlier.Best of luck!!!!!!!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-29-2011 10:10 AM

The fact that she's on Zoloft, nursing, AND consuming alcohol is concerning enough. Anti-depression meds do cause some people to feel complacent, lethargic, gain weight, etc. Don't get me started on doctors throwing around anti-depression meds like they are water.

I appreciate your concern for your wife. It's a valid one, both for her health and the health of your marriage. You sound like a VERY busy man and I commend you for all you do. Keep in mind though, that in your type of work, you get to quietly have your shower and get ready in the mornings, you get to fix your hair (or whatever you do, shave, etc). If she's like most women at home with 3 young children, she probably doesn't even get to take a poo by herself, much less shower and try to fix herself up. A woman fixing up a bit is as much for her own mental health as it is anything. If she doesn't FEEL pretty, she will be demotivated etc on top of the pure exhaustion. I expect she's probably up alot during the nights as well. Lack of proper sleep, not 2 seconds all day long to yourself, constant attention giving and mothering + depression meds + alcohol = disaster waiting to happen.

How can you get her past this? Support her, don't resent her, don't begrudge the work you do for your family (not saying you do...), don't put her down, don't nag her. Suggest another doctor trip to discuss the Zoloft. Plan a night for the two of you, plan for a babysitter, make the plans, and take her out for an evening on the town. This will force her into fixing up a bit, at which time you can tell her how beautiful she is etc and try to help boost her self esteem a bit. That can work wonders.

Come up with a schedule and propose it to her. The schedule should consist of switching getting up at nights (if she nurses that's fine, she can pre-pump so you can feed the baby when needed), then you work all day the next day, she works all day the next day and when you're both home together you switch up responsibilities. It should not be all yours to handle from the time you get home to bed. But if you're working a 40 hr per week job, plus another on the weekends, she's home ALOT with these babies all by herself. I work, but I've also babysit babies....and let me tell you, there is NO comparison to a day at the office and being home with 3 very dependant babies.

**Udderperfection** · 05-02-2011 01:17 AM

kiefmo, don't be upset. I am reeling the situation. But you also have to think about your wife. She has to look after 3 children and i think this is most difficult job in the world. So she has not metal strength after whole day work to make ready for exercise. So suggest you to consult a Diet consultant for diet plan. I hope it will help your wife to loose her body weight.

**stanleytapp** · 05-02-2011 01:48 AM

Don't worry. This can be happened after this age and fast life. You have no any option than to start exercise. So start it ASAP.

**Mighty Grasshopper** · 05-02-2011 04:21 PM

dude..i understand where you're coming from. Call me a pig, but if i marry a hot wife, i'd expect her to stay hot. I would do the same for her. Same goes - if i work hard to have nice living, and take her out to dates, etc., she should expect me to keep that up and that would be something i'd strive for and maintain.

yes she's busy. yes she's got kids. yes, he's got to help. but i'm just saying, as a guy, we would like to be attracted to our wife. and if she's let herself go, as shallow as it may sound, it's hard to want to get intimate. it's just the reality of the beast.

same reason why ladies get turned off by their hubby's when they lose their job or hit a down point in their life and they lose that 'confidence' and 'leadership' attitude that they fell in love with..

**WildChild** · 05-02-2011 05:24 PM

She's had 3 babies in 4 years. I'd like to see you do that and come up looking great. Its not just looking after 2 toddlers and a baby, probably all in diapers still, you try growing another human being inside your body. The youngest is only 4 months old and her body had very little time to recover from the two before that before she got pregnant again.

If she is nursing she needs to be eating a healthy diet and you could encourage that by helping out with cooking and shopping. Encourage is the key, not demand, not push, not get in a snit because she doesn't look like she used to.

*Wanders away shaking head, muttering, "3 babies in 4 years, the last delivery 4 months ago ..."*