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Advice please ladies, ive no idea what to do

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  • Advice please ladies, ive no idea what to do

    Urgh, I really do not know what to do. I have been with my partner for almost 6 years, we have a 3 year old daughter together and I also have an 11 year old who lives with my mother due to past issues with my health. Anyway, he was the normal happy, loving partner for the first 6 months, then things started to slide. Shouting, intimidating and really hurtful. Since then things had got a lot worse, he has only pushed me once, grabbed me twice but really did some damage to me in 2015 where my arm and shoulder were broken as well as 3 fascet joints in my spine, my 3 yr old saw the whole thing..... I believed he was sorry etc etc so tried to put it behind us, however, he has not been physically abusive since but is still hurling verbal abuse at me, I'm useless, lazy, don't do anything for him etc etc. He makes me feel horrendous and like I'm worth nothing. Baring all this in mind, all I want is some support and consideration. I have ALOT of illnesses, diabetes type 1 ( very unstable ), bipolar, anxiety, personality disorder, M.E ( aka CFS ), Fibromyalgia, IBS, disability in my feet, eating disorder plus still severe loss of mobility in my arm due to what happened and awaiting operation, and that's just to name a few!. Then there is the stress with my daughter, typical terrible 3's in my opinion lol, I do everything for him, from waking up at 6am to start my day, make his lunch, coffee, wake him up and get him sorted before work, get my daughter up and sorted, then its the usual house blitz, tea prep and running around before then cooking and serving tea, washing up, bathing little one, then she goes to bed while I continue to clean up as he sits on his ****** on the sofa. OK so he works and I appreciate that, but is it wrong for me to feel hurt when he says I do nothing and I need to 'man up' and get over what he did and just get on with the illnesses, I'm not allowed to have a lie in, rest, chill out etc as then I'm lazy. I'm 200 miles away from my friends and family and have no support here, we have his family but they don't help either, I'm literally with my daughter 247 and get no help with her either ( not that I expect it ). I have nowhere to run or move to, and all I worry about is if he did leave he has nowhere to go, but saying that when I do tell him to leave he wont anyway :-(, any advice? xxx sorry for the essay
    Last edited by twinkles; 09-22-2016, 04:57 PM.

  • #2
    Sorry we missed this. I hope you're still around here.

    I think it comes down to what you realistically want most and what you're willing to sacrifice to get it. Ideally you'd have a man that doesn't abuse you. But you can't make someone treat you right, so you are probably going to have to chose between

    A life in which your children learn that abuse is the norm and you risk you own mental and physical well-being, dignity, and self-respect

    OR

    Giving up your partner, but protecting yourself an your children.

    When I was a little boy my father got aggressive and physical with my mother. She snuck me out the house and we fled and never went back. He had also cheated on her once (which I didn't know at the time) and she had forgiven him. The second time, there was no more tolerance. We had it rough, because we moved from relative to relative until my mother got in a position where she could rent a home for us. We didn't have much, but she loved me and taught me by her example to love myself and how a man and woman should treat one another.

    Years later she remarried. I came home one day and she was gone. Her and my stepfather had an altercation. They both told me slightly different stories, but they agreed that he pushed her. She wasn't hurt, but she told us both that she'll put up with a lot, but that no man will put their hands on her or mistreat her. He got the message, they made up, and it never happened again in their 26 years together.

    Maybe, if you love and respect yourself, he will do the same. If not, at least you love yourself and teach your children by example.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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    • #3
      I too am sorry we did not see your post sooner. Since our site was updated it is very easy to miss new posts, but we do try not to.

      I don't have much to add to what Stillness said. He broke it down nicely. The first 6 months is usually good in most any relationship. It's usually around that time that the red flags start popping up, and samples of what is to come with someone. You're still hanging on to that first 6 months, 6 years later......but the man you had in the first 6 months doesn't exist. The one you've had the past 5 1/2 years does.

      I think when it comes down to choice, you have to choice yourself and your children.

      "Be what you're looking for."

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      • #4
        I agree with Beautiful disaster, every relationship is usually good for 6 months. You should talk to him because life is not all about getting married and divorce. Somewhere between parent's incompatibilities it affects children. Talk to someone to help to overcome this situation. Whenever you have to choose, you choose your children because nothing is more important than their future.
        Last edited by kristibates; 09-13-2017, 01:48 AM.

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        • #5
          Hello
          I feel very sorry to read your husbandís violent behavior. When these things happen to a woman then she is left with no choice. I will not recommend you to leave him or to file a divorce. Divorce is not an option that might solve your problem. The problem is that he doesnít respect you. This is his menís ego that he just sees you as good for nothing. Maybe, he thinks that you canít earn money like him. In my opinion, you should try to find a good job for yourself. If some job requires you to go to some other state for a training period then that can definitely do wonders for you. When you will get a good job then you will see that things are changing. At least you will find freedom from your house. Do not try to do all the household work on your own and ask for his help. My point is that you must make him realize that you are doing a lot for this house.

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          • #6
            What an awful situation. But you're not at fault and you're not deserving of such treatment. He is the one in the wrong. He doesn't love you: he's an abuser. He has no love or respect for you. If he did, that love and respect is gone. Your daughter can tell when you're upset: she can sense your moods much more easily than you realize. Is this the life you want for your daughter? In your situation, I'd run and never look back. I'd rather be alone than in a violent relationship. You deserve better. Take your daughter and get out of there.

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