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Strip Club?

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  • Strip Club?

    My husband and I have been married for 4 years.
    We had been to a strip club together a few times and I liked it. Sometimes when my husband wanted to go I would not feel good and tell him to go without me. Stipulation of that being absolutely no touching. He would agree.
    The last time we went together a lady offered us a lap dance. We declined. When she left I asked him if he had gotten a lap dance while we've been together. He said he had on two different occasions.
    Obviously I got upset. We've worked through it and he agreed no more strip clubs. Lately he has been mentioning that we go together again. While I enjoyed it before I'm afraid it's ruined for me due to the problems.
    Should I agree to go again since I liked it and he is not asking to go alone? I don't want to punish him forever for being honest with me and telling me about the lap dances. It honestly wasn't the lap dances that upset me. It was the fact that he told me there would be no touching and there was.
    Help, please!!

  • #2
    I would think that going to a strip club separately or together would be off limits in most relationships. What did you think a trip to a strip club would add to your relationship? I am not trying to put you down, rather trying to get a better understanding. Such reasoning may include getting both of you extra excited for what was after the show.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    Patrick Henry

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    • #3
      Would hubs be cool going somewhere with you to watch naked men swing their junk around in your face? Just curious.

      We have eyes. We are all going to look at things that are attractive. But to me, taking your SO to a strip club is like dangling a carrot in front of a horses face over and over and expecting them not to eat it. Eventually, the horse will either eat it (i.e. get lap dances, begin touching the strippers, sparking up relationships with them, etc) or he will lose interest in it. In my opinion, if he's not losing interest in it, he's getting more out of it than just tossing money at naked women.

      I have a real issue with the thought of my guy getting all cleaned up, going out to a strip club and giving his money and attention to other women. I am the one deserving of that money and attention. I am also deserving of more loyalty and respect than that, in my opinion.

      The fact that you were open to the idea, supported him in it, and then he STILL was untruthful with you about what he was actually doing when you weren't around is a major red flag. The fact that it caused disruption in your marriage due to the lies, and he's STILL bringing up going is also a major red flag.

      "Be what you're looking for."

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      • #4
        It seems to me that going again would potentially just end in more issues, eventually. Is there any way to achieve the same for you both as a strip club? What was it about a strip club that you both enjoyed?

        Would porn achieve the same thing for you both?

        If you're up for it, try giving him his own strip show at home. There are great videos online to learn from.

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        • #5
          Thank you all for the replies!
          I enjoyed going to the strip club for various reasons. It's fun to do something out of the ordinary. The women are very nice and the atmosphere is relaxed. I can't deny that seeing beautiful women isn't appealing as well.
          I know how this is going to sound and I hate that I'm untrusting but I am. I always have been, think it's engrained in my DNA. Lol. I have mainly been thinking about going back with him because I feel like if we go together then maybe he won't go by himself. Besides the strip club incident he has never done anything to make me not trust him. I have full access to his phone (I don't look at it, but could if I wanted to.) Have never caught him in a lie. We're both very open and honest with each other. I just want him to be happy in our marriage. If seeing naked women helps achieve that, I'm okay with it because I enjoy it as well. We watch porn together as well, it's just not the same for either of us.
          Not sure if this is the proper way to look at it but I look at it like the old saying, "Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."

          BeautifulDisaster, I agree with you to an extent. But I feel like if I told him not to bring it up anymore, he would still be thinking about it. I would much rather him talk about it to me than hide his thoughts about things such as that.

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          • #6
            I don't disagree with you. "It takes all kinds" so to speak. What would or would not work for me may not be nearly the same as what works or doesn't work for you. In my relationship, I have to have a lot of trust because we live in different areas and aren't together during the week. I don't have my grasp tightly on him or him on me, he plays music and is often out very late while I'm at home in bed with the chickens due to early morning work hours. But, we each have boundaries and try to be respectful of those. I too try to steer away from the "You're not allowed to______" list that I find so stifling in a relationship. But, there ARE boundaries.

            I think if you truly have no problem with the strip club situation, then agreeing to only go together seems like the best option. You're not wrong for being untrusting when you've been lied to. You all set boundaries and he rode right over them. Maybe if you all agree to only go to strip clubs together, as a couple, then that will satisfy his desire to go and will help to recreate the respect of boundaries and trust.
            "Be what you're looking for."

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            • #7
              Originally posted by hhefner3711 View Post
              I have mainly been thinking about going back with him because I feel like if we go together then maybe he won't go by himself.
              strip clubs sexually objectify women and it can become addictive behavior and the more your husband gives in to that, the more he will want

              your reason for going is a reason of mistrust so not so sure that is a good reason

              if I were you, I would keep the sexual fantasies between the two of you and avoid strip clubs especially with such a young marriage
              just food for thought

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              • #8
                or you could do other fun things together like taking dance classes or go dancing if you already know couples dancing,
                hiking, biking, or other physical activities that will bond you together, or do volunteer work together, take a cooking class together, there are so many positive activities out there that you probably haven't done yet that will have an uplifting impact

                from your quote "respect and freedom for the other person"
                goes both ways, respecting you as a women, free to know you are the light in his eyes

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by amy40 View Post

                  from your quote "respect and freedom for the other person"
                  goes both ways, respecting you as a women, free to know you are the light in his eyes
                  Yes....this.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

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                  • #10
                    I have enjoyed going to strip clubs on occasion, tho' it never was a regular thing, nor for a specific purpose as yours seems to be, as a couple.

                    What bothers me here I guess, is this sort of need he has to go there. I don't know the details of your relationship, but that seems to be teetering on the unhealthy side.
                    Add to that, the fact that he broke the agreement you had, and it seems like there's something more going on here.

                    What's your relationship like otherwise?

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                    • #11
                      Well HHefner, I can only say this life style is probably not for you or husband. The best is to stay away from the temptations of husband touching another stripper. Because if he go's alone again he will without a doubt touch another stripper again. I'm thinking going to strip clubs is not the right place for you both and find other things to do as a married couple sexually like watching porn together rather then visiting strip clubs.
                      When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

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                      • #12
                        That's a tough question, and I think only you can really make a good decision. It seems like the lap dances weren't a big deal for your husband, otherwise he probably wouldn't have told you about it. Now that he knows it hurt your feelings, maybe you could agree with your husband that you only go together, in the future. That might be a solution which works for both of you.

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