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  • Stuck!

    Iam 55 and have been married to a good loyal man for 24 years . I knew from the start that he wasn't good at expressing emotions but have lived my marriage with the love of my 4 kids . They are now all grown up and away from home . I run my own business from home and two years ago my husband retired. I knew I would struggle but now I really am and don't know which way to turn. He is ten years older than me and has aged much quicker than I expected. I feel as if iam drowning in this marriage. I don't want to leave it as we are a close family and I could not hurt everyone but is this the end of what I want out of life. Our sex life is non existent as he had problems five years ago and just gave up. I still want a sex life but he won't discuss it or make any effort. I do everything finances , home ect . He just seems to be happy in his own world. My kids see the problems but just except him as he is. What do I do without hurting anyone ? I have tried everything I can think on and nothing changes .

  • #2
    Sorry you're going through this. Many, many men at 65 are still having active, healthy sex lives. I think he's grown complacent in life, which is fairly normal at that age, but he's allowed his marriage to be a part of that complacency which is a mistake.

    Maybe he won't discuss it, but you need to. Let him know exactly how you feel and what all this means to you. He needs to KNOW you are unhappy and that you do not intend to spend the rest of your life like this.

    You can't stay in a marriage for everyone else and expect to be happy. You sound like a very selfless person, but there are times when it pays to put yourself first.
    "Be what you're looking for."

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    • #3
      What sort of problems did he have as far as sex? Loss of sex drive can have many impacts with him and with his relationship with you. Physical problems can sometimes be solved with implants.

      The retirement is also problematic. It can lead to a loss of self worth as the retirement money that is coming in is no longer tied to his effort. He may have lost focus. The answer may be a part time job that isn't too demanding, but helps to contribute and takes him out of the house some of the time. When he retired, he moved into your territory of a home business. Having a job will lessen the friction.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      ...
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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      • #4
        Welcome, fairyp! I should have said it in my above post, but a lot of times I just jump in.
        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
        ...
        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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        • #5
          Originally posted by fairyp View Post
          He just seems to be happy in his own world. My kids see the problems but just except him as he is. What do I do without hurting anyone ?
          Welcome to the forum!

          Do your kids live nearby ?If so, get them involved to get him out of house. If you have a son, maybe ask him to give a "talk" to your husband and say mom still "needs" you. If one of your kids are willing, get them to take dad to dr to get checked out. Maybe his testosterone is low and he can get help.
          Use your kids as much as you can to help out, so you don't suffocate and follow your own interests too to give yourself a break.

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          • #6
            My best advice here would be to look into some counselling... I know many couples that have experienced similar issues and taken the plunge to find a professional who can help, or even just listen. Men find it incredibly difficult to talk about what is going on inside their minds, so instead decide to close it all off. You may think he is happy in his own little world but why not take the challenge of showing him what he is missing out on? I understand how hard that can be, we get very comfortable and quickly forget what spontaneity feels like but maybe that's what a counsellor could help you both find.

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            • #7
              I Read your story and i really feel sorry for you. i think you just need to talk to your hubby about your needs as i think he will understand you. you just have to open up your inner thinking, needs and it's your duty too. and i have a solution to your problem. this is my site and it's very helpful. you should advice your hubby.


              Last edited by jns; 03-06-2017, 05:53 PM. Reason: Outbound links are not allowed.

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              • #8
                nice post

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                • #9
                  [QUOTE=

                  You can't stay in a marriage for everyone else and expect to be happy. You sound like a very selfless person, but there are times when it pays to put yourself first.[/QUOTE]

                  I agree with this. You MUST put yourself and your happiness first. You can't stay in a loveless marriage to keep other people happy. You have a right to enjoy and live your life. Your children are grown up now and grown up enough to understand when you're not happy. I'd really start looking out for yourself.


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                  • #10
                    Believe it or not there are many solutions out there! This is 2017!

                    Whether it's counseling or other forms of 3rd party engagement, there are definitely solutions out there.

                    However, the root of your problem seems to be "his spark".

                    What lights a fire under his "**ss" (excuse my French) - find it and trigger it!

                    If there's truly trouble in the bed, you need to absolutely talk about it, otherwise you're not getting anywhere.

                    Now if it is a "performance" issue, like I said, it's 2017 and there's many products out there - penis extenders, supplements, and tutorials on the subject.

                    Just be warned that things like penis extenders may not be for everyone.
                    Last edited by jns; 04-10-2017, 01:21 AM. Reason: Outbound links are not allowed.

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                    • #11
                      You don't say anything about love so I assume it's not a loveless marriage, just a sexless one.
                      If he's always had difficulty expressing himself, it would be hard for him to communicate the subject of sex and any issues he had and the longer he ignored the problem, the more difficult it became and perhaps embarrassment made him just give up trying.
                      Help is out there if he can be encouraged to find it.

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