Thread: people do not help-long rant

I have no idea where to post this but it's all tied to my physical health so here looks good. The title of the thread seems to be the main thing I keep coming back to.

10 years I suffered insomnia with no treatment and noone even noticing. They diagnosed me autistic. They said I was different. But they never noticed I was extremely sleep deprived. I was so bad I have no idea how I'm alive. From a fully rested state (not that I'd know what that was for years) without meds I will not sleep for 5 days straight. About day 3-4 you start to get suicidal. By day 5 you don't care anymore if you live or die or about anything else. You just cry. I spent 10 years like that and no one noticed. I cried every morning before school, I cried every evening when I cleaned horse stalls, and I cried random times in between but people said I never cried about anything. How can people spend every day around you or live with you and not notice a thing. They just yelled at me for not getting things done when just getting up to get food took effort.

I was underweight. I had such horrible head rushes I blacked out in front of my mom and stepdad once and would have fallen but I caught the counter and when I came to I was standing between them with my arms shaking from trying to hold me up while I was practically unconscious. They said nothing. When I sat still I could feel my own heart beat so strong I thought it would knock me over. I got paranoid and started thinking if I slept I'd die. Every chance I got though I closed my eyes just trying to get some relief and all day at school I made up stories in my head triggering the dreaming parts of my brain to make up for some of the lack of sleep.

Finally I wrote my mom a suicide note and threatened to kill my verbally abusive stepfather in the process. I got sent to a psychiatrist. He seemed to care and ran tests. In the end he didn't. When his basic tests didn't show anything he just threw every random med he could at me. Most had bad side effects but they did do something. They made me sleep a little. Finally my brain functioned again. Suddenly the world wasn't so horrible. I tried several neurologists and so forth but all they wanted to do was put me on more meds and make me go through therapy on sleep hygiene which was worthless (I did follow it all for a year). I went back to my regular doctor and got medication designed more specifically for sleep. After some trial and error I had it all figured out. I slept, my brain healed, I finally started doing the things I'd didn't have the energy or mental capacity for,before and I realized I needed to dump the psycho I was living with.

So I got a house. I tried dating. I finally got married. Everything was fine until the day I got married. Finally happiness but not quite.... There had been these little health problems bothering me for a few weeks and suddenly the evening after we got married I just felt horrible. What followed was ER trips, specialists, and endless tests to not find the cause of my problems. 6months later I finally solved it on my own by keeping track of everything they did.

My blood pressure is too low and one of my sleeping meds is contributing to the problem. So easy fix stop the med for another one right? Nope. That is the only med that has ever worked without me building tolerance. So feeling pretty well defeated, I knew this day would come eventually, I go to my doctor. I get the usual ambien, lunesta, etc... they work for awhile but are short lived. I break down, cry, ruin Josh's weekend with his friends. I thought about giving up all my animals and the lifestyle I wanted and just living in a small house in town where there wouldn't be much work. My brain has again reached despressed not functioning from sleep deprivation mode.

Go back to my doctor and get lorazepam. Finally something similar to the sleeping meds but that I can play with the dose much more. I feel great on lorazepam. I get stuff done and I can fall asleep during the day and take naps like normal people. I've never taken a nap in my life. I begin to have hope and renew my plans for my life. My heart rate and blood pressure begin to stabilize. But the dose is not enough. I build tolerance. No big deal I'll call the doctor like she said and try a higher dose. They won't do it.... Everything crushed again. I drag myself through the week until they can get me in to talk to her. The appointment gets cancelled. She gives me another script for the same barely enough dose that I was taking and she writes the wrong year on it so I couldn't fill it.

Here I am at 2:30 am again. Crying from exaustion while Josh falls asleep in the other room. I took seroquel so my heart rate will be messed up again tomorrow but hopefully not to the point my chest hurts. Again I'm thinking about what I should give up to make life easier. I have this feeling I had one small window where everything was fine that I could have gotten happiness out of but I was just a little too late. Now to get sleep risks my heart giving out and pain in my chest. No one will run the tests to find out why I can't sleep. No one will give me the dose I need of any medication in order to sleep. No one gives me a break on anything. I still get yelled at for not getting things done when I haven't slept in days.

People don't help. Not doctors, not your landlord, not your neighbor, not your parents, and certainly not you siblings. Josh might help but he has no means to do so and he's unconscious in the other room when I really need him here to stop me from crying and watch a movie with me.

The only ways out that I see from here is take seroquil until my heart gives out or other serious complications of low blood pressure arise but at least I'll finish my semester of school.

Or B take whatever else I've got and drag this out as along as possible. Enjoy small bits of it but probably not pass classes and watching my mind slowly come apart from the inside out as sleep deprivation builds more and more.

No one is giving me another choice. If someone would just look in to my health problems in more detail and care I could be happy now. I could live my life but instead it just keeps getting ruined. It's enough to make me want to turn to illegal sources of meds so I can keep my mind functioning.