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Reply With QuoteI don't know either. I'm in a similar boat. My boyfriend smokes like a chimney. He smells disgusting. His teeth are discolored from it. It's just plain gross.
He used to put forth a lot of effort into covering up the smell but not anymore.
MY girlfriend is smoking and I don't like it at all.
My fiancée is smoking and I have told her several times, but it seems she is not listening to me. She is telling me that she has reduced a lot and that she needs time. She is telling me the same thing again and again. She came to this new apartment I got for her in the 1st of January this year, and I'm asking her since then.
I never smoked tobacco before I got to know her, and then I also started smoking, after getting to know that she smoke tobacco; thinking that she will realize how bad it is. Before that I hated smoking.
Then I told her that this is not a good thing and we should stop this. I have stopped for a while and then after about a week, she started smoking in-front of me and started asking me to buy cigarettes for her. One holiday evening I got terribly pissed off when we had to walk all around the city to buy a pack of cigarettes for her.
I have told her that I will not marry her if she continue smoking. Then she got totally depressed and broken down.
I don't see that she has any intention to quit smoking and that she put any effort for that. I'm sick of the whole thing because of this. I can't love her knowing that I lose her for a stupid reason that I could have stopped.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't know either. I'm in a similar boat. My boyfriend smokes like a chimney. He smells disgusting. His teeth are discolored from it. It's just plain gross.
He used to put forth a lot of effort into covering up the smell but not anymore.
Smoking is an addiction. We are also about to get into this with my fiance but the other way around, as he needs to quit smoking for his health and expects me to quit as well. Believe me, it is VERY difficult to quit because of somebody else. 9 out of 10 people only quit if the doctor tells them they are going to die if they continue to smoke.
I quit for 3 weeks when we learnt about fiance's health issue (related to smoking) but one day we argued and I started smoking in secret for a few weeks, never indoors, always brushed my teeth, anything to not let him know, because I was afraid he'd restart smoking because of me. One day he asked me if I did and I said yes, it was very stressful to hide it and I didn't want to lie to him. He wasn't happy, said I should cut down at least (I was good enough to the point where I smoked only 20 a month, and I normally smoke 20 a day), but even that wasn't enough for him.
We're soon going to go back to this stage as he'll try to quit again. I try to cut down with nicotine gums, they do help a lot, but the problem is that I don't feel like I WANT to quit. I am addicted and I like it. He knew I was a smoker since we met, I also met him as a smoker too, but now he's about to turn into an anti-smoker and I don't know how to deal with that.
My point is, no matter how much she loves you she just doesn't want to quit smoking and it doesn't have to do with you. Smoking doesn't mean she loves you any less, it harms her own health, it's poison, but it doesn't directly effect you. On the other hand, if you are an anti-smoker, you have to discuss this with her and explain that she can smoke outside, brush her teeth often or chew gum, NOT smoke in front of you (but if she smokes in the kitchen and you go after her it won't be her fault) and try to cut down with a method (nicotine gum, spray or a new thing you can suck on when you need a nicotine dose).
Just don't make her feel uncomfortable in her own house because of smoking. She was a smoker when you met her, was she not? You knew what you were getting involved with.
You can't make anyone quit smoking if they do not want to. The motivation to quit has to come from within the smoker's own heart and mind, and any amount of pressure from anyone else will not work.
I started dating my boyfriend and he was a smoker.. I harped on him for years to quit - telling him I wouldn't marry or live with a smoker, and he never did. Then the government hiked up the cigarette tax and at the same time he started getting a smokers cough, and that was the motivation he needed to quit... its been almost two years and he hasn't smoked since. Point being, it wasn't me asking/begging/threatening that made him quit. It was his own inner motivation.
It has to come from your fiance. You can not stop her. She has to want to quit herself. So your options are to either continue loving her as the smoker she has been and still is, hoping that she will someday quit, but keeping in mind that she may never stop smoking. Or decide that you can't deal with her smoking habit/addiction and move on.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I had a very similar situation but I was the smoker. My fiance had never smoked a cigarette in his life and swore that he would never date anyone that did smoke. Then he met me and I guess he broke his rules because I smoked for the first...3 years that we were together. He HATED IT!! Always complaining and telling me to quit. Telling me we would never get married or have children if I kept it up. This caused several horrible fights between us. Sometimes it made me want to smoke more. However I knew how much he hated it and that he wanted me to quit for the right reasons. I also want to have kids and obviously know that I would have to quit for that. It basically came down to having to quit. And let me tell you it is NO easy feat. Your girlfriend may want to quit for you but it is very hard. And some people handle the addiction to tobacco very different. Some people can smoke and then change their minds and just quit- easy peasy. Then there are other people who can't make it a few hours without wanting to scream and would rather smoke cigarette butts then go without one for one more second.
Your girlfriend is going to do one of two things. She is either going to make HER mind up and quit because she knows you despise it. OR she is going to keep smoking (in front of you or behind your back). The thing is she has to be in the place to want to or its not going to happen. You can't just flip a switch to quit or to WANT to quit. I'm not telling you to suck it up and don't tell her how you feel at all. She needs to know that you haven't given up on wanting her to stop. Eventually somethings got to give. One way or the other. But really let her hear you, make sure she knows that you don't want to spend your life with someone who is smoking.
When I finally quit, I told my boyfriend months before his birthday that that would be the day I stopped smoking. We both knew the date and the night before I went to the store and got all the quit smoking supplys I needed (nicorette gum, lolly pops, and straws). honestly I have fallen off the wagon a few times since then (he doesn't know) but all in all I am smoke free now.
Best of luck with you and your hopes of a smoke-free-relationship. I hope it works out for you.
You should understand that smoke is her choose, and if you love her you have to accept this bad habit.
My brother tried much times to stop smoke, but in vain...
Thank you all for your responses.
I have been telling her for more than an year. She have stopped for a while, but started recently, and it is partly my fault. I should have supported her to get those quit smoking stuff. All she needs is a lot of caffeine to fight back the withdrawal symptoms. But today she says she does not feel like having coffee.
Last night she had a cigarette and that was the last one she had, so she had to put it down halfway, and it has burnt completely. So she couldn't smoke today morning.
Last night I made a bigg fuss when she was smoking..
It seems like she does try, for you. But the thing is that it's awfully difficult to quit smoking if you've been a smoker for years. Also, the 'quit smoking' material mainly helps to cut down, as when it comes to quitting is mostly a matter of will. And by not quitting right away does not mean that she doesn't value your opinion or doesn't care about you, I can assure you that she's under a lot of stress right now because of it. She physically feels the need to smoke, her heart pounds when she doesn't, her breathing becomes faster, she needs to smoke but there is a struggle in her brain as she knows you don't like it and doesn't want to disappoint you. She also partly hesitates about quitting because she WANTS to smoke, it's something that doesn't effect you if she does it properly (not smoke inside or in front of you and brush her teeth or chew gum), it's a personal choice, so eventually she thinks "why should I quit when it only harms me? It makes me more up and awake anyway".
When I quit for 3 weeks I felt so tired all the time, I was grumpy. Sure, I felt like I could breathe better and I did what my fiance wanted, but I just couldn't make it any longer. And the worse was that I felt like a thief when I smoked while he didn't, as if I was doing something as bad as cheating on him or as if I disappointed him. This is not how it should feel at home, she should be able to feel comfortable living with you. Smoking is not like drinking, because drinking affects other people as well; it's just a totally personal choice of 'drug use' that only harms one's self.
What she can do is just keep it under control and smoke less. It will be good for her to cut down and she will have to anyway when she becomes pregnant.
But, please, don't start arguments over it, they will only make her want to smoke even more. You can calmly remind her of what she can do, what effects it has, give her interesting articles about smokers and health problems related to it, as long as you don't force it to happen.
I've been reading this thread trying to understand a smoker's POV, but I don't get this part... I've always thought it was the other way around.Originally Posted by stressed
IMO drinking doesn't "directly" affect others, as you can't develop health problems from "second hand drinking" like you can with smoking. Let's face it, smokers who take the trouble to make sure the smoke doesn't get in your face are far and few between, let alone those who have a mint or change their clothes afterwards.
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