Thread: why am i such a ?

You are looking for connection but it isn't there. You need to find meaning in your life through some other channels. When the adults who are supposed to protect you are the people you need protecting from it can be hard to sort out what is best for you. You are dependent on and in some way love some one whom you fear and who hurts you. It's hard to believe that you are worth loving under such circumstances and so you keep fullfilling the expectation that you aren't worth loving or treating tenderly.

Hard as it is, you will have to start with loving yourself and valuing yourself. You must know that you are worth loving and being treated lovingly. What life do you want for yourself? How will you break this cycle so that you will not continue it in your own life or bring it to another generation?

One thing you have to have is a dream or a goal, something much larger than the life you have and are headed for now. Where do you want to be? What do you want to be doing in 10 years? How can you get there? Education? Work? Life experience? Create a plan for yourself, make it detailed, know where you want to be and find out what it will take to get there and start, one step at a time to make it happen. Dream bigger than having your own place or that sort of thing. I'm talking something like getting a PhD or owning a business.

This will give you focus and a goal. That will help you control your impulses, survive your current living situation and start making positive choices. I know what it is like to not expect to live to be 18, I was there as a teen and looking back I would have done much better if I had a clear vision of a goal, even if it was something that I changed later. I had one but it wasn't focused or defined enough. Frankly I was shocked when I realised I was done with school, 18 and able to be out on my own. I just hadn't expected to be there and didn't make all of it that I could have.

You have to recognize that only you can make the choice for yourself. You can't change your father but you can change how you respond to him and you can start planning to get out at the earliest moment. It may not be easy but you have to do it and you need to do on your own, not with some guy. If you can't find the strength in yourself to love and protect yourself you will be a victim over and over. The vampires and abusers will be drawn to you. I know. I've lived it. Having grown up with abuse, I was gang raped at 14 and slid into the numbness of drug use - not too deep fortunately. During that time I went through a fear of being raped again and just found it easier to say yes to sex, whether I really wanted it or not. I was fortunate to have some good male freinds who acted protectively of me and helped me pull myself back from self destructive behavior. Then I went into marriage too early and it was a case out of one mess and into another. It wasn't a good escape. This is my point, you need a plan, a goal, so that you have something positive and life serving you are moving toward so that you don't fall into the escape trap. If you know where you want to be and stick to it, consider anything that gets in your way as a minor obsticle to be gotten around - not as a roadblock, you will leave the abuse and negatie relationships behind, you will also build your self esteem and self worth, all in a positive way.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You don't like what you are doing, change it. You can. Only you can.
Love yourself with passion. Find some joy, even if it's in the tinest things. You are SO worth it.