Thread: Abusers

i've been in more than one abusive relationship, the last was the worst, i don't look for men that will hurt me, they seem to find me.

Up until my last relationship it was emotional and sexual abuse i suffered, im very sexually submissive so i guess the sexual abuse i received comes with the territory, the emotional abuse stems from being badly used sexually, it strips you of your dignity and self worth and you become an object of pleasure for the abuser.

In my last relationship the sexual abuse was accompanied by physical abuse, being smacked around when i didn't do as i was told..

So now im on my guard, everything i do, everyone i meet is closely examined by me so it won't happen again..

I grew up with a number of forms of abuse. My earliest memory being my mother's head being beaten against a car window cause she forgot the cheque book. But it was also emotional where i was used against her, that he would take me away or no-one would ever love her, and financial where she had to resort to stealing meat to put on the table to feed us, then him taking her to the cops because of it. As i got older i copped it too. My mother once left him, only to take up a spare room in a house where the man sexually abused me.

This was my reality growing up; happy family was just fictional things portrayed on TV and in movies. So when I was old enough I slipped into the same type of relationship. I always said I would never end up like my mother, yet two years after meeting a guy I thought was different, I found myself denied medical attention, beaten, raped, and holding a baby from the raping that had issues due to the beatings whilst being pregnant.

I did eventually find the courage to get out of that relationship but it was a long and scary road. It is a vicious cycle of needing to be loved, being put down so much you think no-one else could love you, being beaten into submission, then thinking it must be your fault, you must have done something wrong so you’ll do it better next time.

I believe women who have been abused walk a tightrope of emotions continuously. They constantly look for the signs, but then that causes mistrust and friction in their relationship, so they try to trust, which opens them to pain, and if they do get hurt it can send them into self destruct mode. I live with this daily. Down deep I hate men, but I put a mask on every day to hide it from the world, and the men I care deeply for that are in my life.

I don’t think we intentionally set out to look for abusive men, but in our need to feel loved, we ignore the signs most women would walk away from. And yes domineering men know what to look for in damaged women.

I almost regret starting this thread because the stories are so awful. I do understand how someone who has been abused all their lives can be more susceptible to abuse, and can find it very difficult to leave an abusive situation.

What I don't understand though is how abusive men find those women. I think (hope!?!) that the great majority of men wouldn't abuse a women even if they had the opportunity, so even a woman who is vulnerable would be safe in the company of almost all men.

When I think of the women I know, none of them seem the sorts that would tolerate abuse, though statistically I guess some must be. I wonder what it is that the abusers see that a (I'll claim) normal man doesn't. If we could figure out what the abusers are looking for, women could make an effort not to exhibit that behaviour.

Wildchild - I'm not sure I agree that there is a correlation with abuse and BDSM. I think that for some reason this appeals to a fair number of people in happy relationships. Of course BDSM can be used as an excuse to hide real abuse, but I think that is in the minority.