Marriage. Why?

**stressed** · 01-14-2011 06:29 AM

I hear about so many couples going through serious problems in their relationships, being unhappy, stressed, with hardly enough money to make it on their own, with no support from their families, saying "yes, we have all these problems, but we're getting married anyway". WHY?

We say, "look at the divorce rates, people don't compromise anymore". Is it really that, or is it that people STILL rush into getting married and having children just because? Could it be that most people just like the idea of a "home and family" more than their own partner because they didn't have a "home and family" as children? That's what I see happening over and over again.

I don't blame marriage anymore for making people break up. I blame those who marry without thinking first. Those who say "I'm alright with it now" without realizing that they won't be "alright with it" in 2, 3, 5 years. That children should not be the goal of their lives, but the result of a loving relationship. If you're not with a loving partner then don't have children. If you want to be a single parent, fine, it's your choice. But don't find someone you half love just to have children and look for someone who fits your "5-year plan". It will turn into a nightmare for you and your children.

I'm so surprised by people married by their 20's and 25's, without knowing what life is really like, without knowing anything about themselves, without seeing themselves 10 years down the road. Without thinking of the consequences and responsibilities.

Don't blame marriage for "the changes" in your partner. Blame yourselves for not thinking before marrying.

I have friends who are divorced , nearly divorced, with lots of children and no finances to support them, and I can't tell them anything because they should have known this would happen beforehand. The signs were there, they knew it. But they went ahead and did it anyway.

And the divorced ones come to me and say "yes, I wanted to have a child young and thought I could live my life now, after the divorce, but it's really hard to find someone who'd accept me with a child". Intelligent, educated, good people. But blind.

This isn't intended to anyone in specific, just having a little society-breakdown because I deal with this every day, I see it happening around me all the time among the people I know and care for. I hope it's not seen as offensive as that's not the idea. Anyone strongly disagreeing please feel free to answer in the same tone.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-14-2011 06:56 AM

I ponder these very things frequently. It's really hard for those of us "on the other side" to sit back and see all the unhappiness, stress, lack of freedom, etc of many marriages and still feel hopeful about marriage. Always on guard...because we don't want to be victim of our next bf's desire to "fulfill his plan" of marriage by age 30 and kids by 32 (just an example). I don't want to be a check mark on someones life plan....but that's because I don't have one myself. Sometimes I hear girls talking about getting married, and it's so frustrating to me how as a friend you're EXPECTED to support that even if you KNOW it's the worst decision ever. It's like when couples get engaged, you're all of a sudden supposed to be hush hush about ALL their incompatibilities and issues. And then you're also expected to be there when they divorce, hush hush of all the "I told you so's". It gets frustrating to say the least.

You're having all kinds of epiphany's lately eh?

**stressed** · 01-14-2011 07:52 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

You're having all kinds of epiphany's lately eh?

LOL

It's like my mind is suddenly out of a mist...

**Texinator** · 01-14-2011 08:23 AM

I've never really understood marriage. If two people truly love each other, why do they need any other reason to stay together? It's almost like marriage is a love contract: I promise to love you if you promise to love me. But unlike business, you can't regulate matters of the heart with contracts.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-14-2011 08:33 AM

Dear Tex,

Do you love me?
Check Yes____ or No_____

Fine Print: Please be aware that in checking Yes you are entering into a binding legal agreement for the rest of your natural life. As a result you promise to take whatever I dish out with a smile on your face and joyfully exclaim your love for me on a regular basis. Payment terms are Net 5 which means you will pay me my allowance (75% of your income) every 5 days. There is no termination clause in this contract.

**KMonte85** · 01-14-2011 08:36 AM

I also have never really understood why so many people (especially women) have their goals in life revolve around getting married. I understand that there is a LOT of pressure to get married and a stigma if you aren't - so perhaps that is why so many people are rushing to the alter without really thinking through who they're rushing with and how it will impact the rest of their lives?

I just turned 25, and yeah, I'm getting married. But it was never my life's goal... If I didn't find the right guy, I wasn't going to get married. And I sure as heck wasn't going to feel BAD about it! Luckily, I found the one who "gets" me, and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. I want to marry him, not really for the symbolism/romanticism of it, but we live in a state where you can't fully protect yourself or your sig other unless you're married... we have assets that need to be protected, and our lives are so intertwined that if one of us were to become seriously ill or die, the other would suffer greatly. If I love someone enough to spend the rest of my life with them, I want to make sure he is protected should that life of mine end ubruptly!

**Texinator** · 01-14-2011 08:47 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Dear Tex,

Do you love me?
Check Yes____ or No_____

Fine Print: Please be aware that in checking Yes you are entering into a binding legal agreement for the rest of your natural life. As a result you promise to take whatever I dish out with a smile on your face and joyfully exclaim your love for me on a regular basis. Payment terms are Net 5 which means you will pay me my allowance (75% of your income) every 5 days. There is no termination clause in this contract.

...and people say prenups are unromantic. In legal terms, marriage doesn't sound all that much more romantic.

**Texinator** · 01-14-2011 08:57 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I also have never really understood why so many people (especially women) have their goals in life revolve around getting married. I understand that there is a LOT of pressure to get married and a stigma if you aren't - so perhaps that is why so many people are rushing to the alter without really thinking through who they're rushing with and how it will impact the rest of their lives?

I have a friend like that. She was in her mid 30s, her younger sister had gotten married and had two children already, and the parents were constantly going on with, "When are you finally going to find someone? When are you finally getting married? When are you finally going to give us grandchildren?" So she found herself a boyfriend and got married within like three months. They've been together for a few years now, but she is miserable, because they're not very compatible. But he feels important for being able to say he is married and the parents are finally happy that there is nothing "wrong" with their daughter, so... she's staying married.

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I just turned 25, and yeah, I'm getting married. But it was never my life's goal... If I didn't find the right guy, I wasn't going to get married. And I sure as heck wasn't going to feel BAD about it! Luckily, I found the one who "gets" me, and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. I want to marry him, not really for the symbolism/romanticism of it, but we live in a state where you can't fully protect yourself or your sig other unless you're married... we have assets that need to be protected, and our lives are so intertwined that if one of us were to become seriously ill or die, the other would suffer greatly. If I love someone enough to spend the rest of my life with them, I want to make sure he is protected should that life of mine end ubruptly!

The legal advantages are about the only good reason I can think of. But in terms of just the relationship between the two people, not considering things like religion and state... But other than that? If two people truly love each other, they should stay together for as long as that love lasts. If it lasts forever, they should stay together forever. If they fall out of love, then they should go their separate ways again. I don't see how a marriage contract is necessary in any of this.

**KMonte85** · 01-14-2011 09:02 AM

Agree Tex! ..to me (I'm not religious or very romantic), marriage is a business contract. It is to legally protect your interests and the interests of your spouse and your children (if applicable).

As so many people have seen, you don't need to be in love to get married. And you don't need to be married to be in love. The two are not synonymous.

**Seeker_Advice** · 01-14-2011 09:43 AM

Wow! What an unfortunate statement of how far, we as a society, have fallen in one generation.

Yet "we" wonder why our society has so many challenges, issues and areas of failure that did not exist one generation ago.

Why, when speaking of the U.S. as I am, so many other countries are "eating our lunch" when it comes to graduation rates, emphasis on education, teen pregnancy, unwed mothers, obesity and the increase in healthcare costs associated with it, substance abuse, crime rates, homeless people, prison populations, etc., etc., etc.

What happened to things like committment, dedication, a hard work ethic, pride in yourself, who you are and what you do?

We can't have it both ways...

All of the above is referring to the U.S., as I am not qualified to speak about any other country, and is only my opinion.