And it all comes crashing down...
I really need to get this off my chest, and don't feel like i can talk to those around me.
I thought i was on the mend, I thought i had put my past behind me and was able to freely talk about my past. 2011 was meant to be a year for me, to find myself again, yet just over two weeks in i've been reminded that i am still that scared little girl.
Some of you would know about some of my past and current situation so i won't go into it, i just want to get this out.
Last night at work i was approached by one of my neighbours, he is in his 50's and has a wife/partner. upon hearing of my husband and i having problems he said quite a few inappropriate things to me such as:
- That i will have to take care of myself sexually, or that i could call him at any time
- That he walks around naked and the next time he sees me in my ensuite he will make sure i see
- That he could come around when i have days off
- He even asked if i wanted to be with a woman
I thought they were a nice old couple that said hi when they saw us, and even offered to look after the kids (i don't trust anyone with my kids, so politely refused). I kept trying to keep my distance from him (which he thought was amusing) and I kept saying i needed to get back to work, but when he was leaving he hugged me, i believe tried to kiss me, and pat me on the butt.
Now any normal person would tell him where to jump or at least tell him its inappropriate, but i was helpless. I could barely speak and just kept my head down like a scared little puppy. It turns out i haven't grown from my experience, i am still powerless with older men.
Now i am scared to even go out into my yard, and have kept the ensuite window closed all night and day. We don't have a fence on that side as a developer was going to put a wall up on that side. We have a low mesh temp fence, and as soon as my back gets better i want to at least get some bamboo screening up. But i don't even have money to pay the bills, so any alterations on the house are going to put us deeper in.
I feel so trapped, and every way i look at my life it seems hopeless
Maybe you should write his wife a letter saying you don't need her SOs services. Further, that any exposure issues will be dealt with by taking photos and giving them to the police as underaged youths may be exposed to such behavior.
If you were in the USA I would say save up and get a handgun and training. You would be surprised how empowering and comforting that can be, knowing that you can defend yourself against someone bigger and stronger.
I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
...
Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?
Patrick Henry
Fear is difficult to control. Its possible to rationally know the he isn't a threat (though he sounds like a real creep), but not be able to convince your subconscious. If you do think he is a threat, then that is a different problem.
Its hard to know just what he is up to. Being over 50 myself I have to tell you that many of us "old" folks are more into sex and as active or more active than you younger people. Do you know his wife at all? They could have an open relationship. They could be polyamorous, although in my experience people in the poly community usually aren't so crude. They could be interested in swinging, having a threesome. Or he could just be a leach who is hitting on you.
Don't beat yourself up. You are making changes, it can take time to overcome old patterns and replace them with new responses and behaviors. Don't give this man your power. So what if you see his hairy bum or anything else? You've seen them before. Ignore it. Or if it gets over the top, call the police. You might try getting more friendly with his wife. If he is looking for a little something on the side, that may cool him off. If the two of them are looking to add a third person, she may approach the subject and you might find it easier letting her know that it isn't in the cards.
It won't cost you anything to contact the developer and nudge or even push about the wall they are supposed to build.
Most of all start building your sense of personal power. Predators can sense weakness. You can be pleasant and caring and still be strong and powerful. JNS suggested one way to help get that. Personally I've found that in most situations how you carry yourself, your awareness, your attitude, your energy, will back of most pests and situations before they become a problem. He is right that knowing that you can defend yourself gives you a different attitude and changes your energy. I know money is tight but is there any place like a recreation center or women's group where you could learn some self defense? We do have an expert here on WH, Kristalyn, you might see what she can suggest?
Affirmations can be really helpful too. You need to select some that feel empowering to you and repeat them frequently. Your brain really does come to believe what it hears often and/or strongly. I started a thread for affirmations quite a while back, perhaps we can dig it up. You may find some there that speak to you.
Here are a couple of mine:
"I am a winner. I stay strong"
"Be Bold and Mighty forces will come to your aid"
"I am a magnificent being drawing on an infinite source pf love and energy.
"I only attract beauty and I am always open to beauty"
This one might be particularly good for you: "Everyday I am better than I used to be"
DO NOT give this man your power.
You are a Goddess. You enrich the world just by being here. Act like it!!!!!
Laugh at him!
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Sounds like it's about time you stick your boot up a few people's rear ends, whether it's for the lack of wanted attention at home or the excess unwanted attention from the neighbor. Take you life back.
Sounds like your living next to swingers and he's an arrogant man whom thinks he can say what he wants, have what he wants..
It's okay that your inner-child came out, there is the woman in us and the little girl....she can come out in play or in fear, so firstly don't think that your weak at all....realise what happened and why, it was purely through shock, un-expected...you've been violated, he tried to kiss you, pat your butt...find the courage to slap his face, next time...mentally say "Go away inner child, come out woman" and repeat it, over and over and your hand will rise...
Open your en-suite if he walks past naked, loudly laugh and say my dear, get to a gym.....
Bottom line is, he can't hurt you, if he realises that your not going to take it, he should back down, if he yells back and swears, then report him, for in-appropriate behaviour, harrasement and indecent exposure.
And, if you can't fathom doing that? Then scare him that, that is your intent if he does it one more time...Behind the en-suite you are protected and can be that woman, not your inner child.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
That's just rude and uncalled for - I'd say put him in his place...
Colorado
Oh, dear I just noticed this. I'd love to help if I can... Lady feel free to PM me, although it is difficult to teach techniques over a forum. Given your situation, it's a good suggestion to get into some sort of self-defense class, it can do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence. Not only does it teach you how to defend yourself, but it also teaches conflict resolution, how to avoid and deal with aggressive situations and helps you to project confidence. However I realize it might be difficult for you to get into a class due to your money situation. I'll explain some things as best I can if you're interested and give you some online resources for things you can practice on your own.Originally Posted by WildChild
I really hope this situation gets better soon and this creep gets what he deserves... please keep us updated.
How can you see where you're going if you spend your whole life looking over your shoulder? –Naughty Ninja
Sorry for going AWOL guys, I just needed time to try and sort this out.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice, it is greatly appreciated.
I went and saw a counsellor this week (first time ever), and you know, i think it has already helped. I was able to just blurt out things i have kept bottled up for years, and i came out of it with a headache from crying so much (I rarely cry), but also a sense of peace. My mind hadn't felt so clear in ages, there was always at least a few worries that kept playing on my mind. I know the issues are still there, but they aren't taking hold of me every minute of the day.
The counsellor is going to help me with copeing techniques, and skills to help me stand up for myself and say no. She is also going to help me on my road to self discovery, even giving me homework where she wants me to imaging what i would want people to say about me at my 90th birthday.
It's going to be a long road, but at least i can see it now.
Thank you for the kind offer Kristalyn04, i agree it might be difficult being taught here though...I might check the library, i'm sure they would have books and dvds. I don't know how to PM yet, but i'm sure i can figure it out if i have a question
Tex...i'm a lover not a fighter, so kicking butts may not be my strong point, but i'll keep it in mind
Chandlers Wish lol i don't want to see that old wrinkly thing at all eww
Jns i have considered getting a gun, but have concerns with having a gun under the same roof as my babies
Rcoreyus i haven't seen him since, so maybe he's given up (hopefully)
WildChild great advice as usual, i will call the developer and see what can be done
Colorado i hope i can next time
Thank you again everyone for listening, being supportive, and offering such great advice
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