advice for molestation

**kemz** · 06-11-2011 01:23 PM

Hey,

I have been with my wife for nearly two years now and could tell there was always that horrible something she wanted to tell me but couldn't. Recently her sister came forward to her saying that the same thing had happened to her. After just having a duaghter and her mother being our babysitter my wife finally decided she needed to discuss the issue with me. So basically what happened was they we're both molested between the ages of 3 and 5 by their father. Never any penetration but he would touch them and have them touch him. It has been in the back of their minds since then but my wifes sister is only 15 and still lives at home with her parents and is having alot of trouble dealing with it at the moment. The primary reason for me posting this is for some guidance and possibly legal advice. They both love their father and don't want to see him put into jail, however they would like to get him help. Neither have told anyone but me. Overall he is a good man. He struggles with depression and I think that part of it is the guilt from what he did to the and other from multiple deployments to Iraq. I can sometimes see the pain in his eyes. Even I, the angry husband and brother, truely believe he wants to be better but is unable to without counseling and God. So....is there a way to get all of them help and keep from having to pursuit any sort of legal action? And could we speak with a pastor without having to worry about any legal action?> We have not brought any of this up to their father or anyone else yet.

**Crystalblue** · 06-11-2011 01:53 PM

Before you think about helping him, make sure your daughter is safe. This isn't something that is cured or gets better. Does your mother-in-law know about her daughters being molested? Did she do anything to protect them? I would think twice about letting her babysit, especially if she's in denial about what he did. He would need constant supervision around kids, no exceptions. Children are more likely to be sexually assaulted by someone they know than a stranger. Think hard about the situation before you turn away from legal action. Maybe he's otherwise the perfect family man, but what would go through your head if you found out he did this to someone else's kid in the future, or your daughter?

**WildChild** · 06-11-2011 02:21 PM

I would think several things may need to happen. If his proclivity is limited to young children, you need keep them away from him. There is a bonding process that occurs when you are around an infant that generally keeps any sexual attraction from developing, when that goes haywire serious problems can arise. This often runs in families and I don't know that anyone knows yet if its learned or if there is something genetic that they are attracted to their own blood and to children. Doesn't really matter, first thing is to protect your child/children. Second thing should be whether your sil feels comfortable living at home with her father. Would having her move in with you be an option?

There is no way to make this easy. When the women tell their mother, there will be fallout. She will either deny and that will be difficult because she will be denying their experience and need for her understanding and support or she will believe them and may admit to having had at least suspicions. This will be devastating to mom then and there is no way that the father will avoid trauma and backlash. He has acted wrongly, no matter what drove that, there is a price to pay. You can't deal with this and have it all be sweetness, forgiving and light. Right now there is a sort of balance based on everyone's silence and non admission. That has already changed and it had to. Your wife and her sister are speaking, acting to protect your daughter, as they must to break the cycle. The balance has changed, the words have been spoken. The once unspeakable now must be dealt with.

I'm not a Christian and do not really relate to the thinking. I can't address that perspective. Ministers or pastors are people and I would guess that how that would go down would depend a great deal on the individual. You are dealing with a belief system that has prophets, Lot comes to mind, who produced children by their daughter, apparently with deity approval, so I would be very careful about what a pastor' understanding might be.

You would probably be better off with a counselor who specializes in combat related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I would hope that the military would be able to offer a list of these specialists.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-11-2011 03:10 PM

You would probably be better off with a counselor who specializes in combat related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I would hope that the military would be able to offer a list of these specialists.

I'm wondering if, given there are two problems here, one gets addressed first. His depression.. It seems you care, all of you deeply for this man, I can't imagine being totally depressed and have an evil streak in me (which I am pretty sure is how the Church would see that), and be confronted with the knowledge of this "past" of what some 22 odd years....would it take me over the edge for instance, would suicide come to mind....

Perhaps addressing the depression and allowing him to start to cope with what he saw in Iraq, perhaps he will be able to cope better when confronted with the pain he caused his daughters.

You say your wife's sister is not coping, she is 15 years of age, can you and your wife, and would you and your wife, be her legal guardian for the next few years... Whilst the above is thinking purely of "him" given what he did I have no idea why I even wrote / suggested that ,but we are human, the focus really is your wife's sister. She's at an age where she's slowly turning into an Adult and will be dating, worrying about boys, can you get her into councelling, perhaps..

In any event, the two girls need to keep talking about it to each other, letting go of this pain with each other's support and maybe that's the key where they can together then go to councelling, to heal... I think that facing your demons comes better from being strong, clear about it than when you first have the realisation of it, and the pain is fresh and you are confused what to do about it...

If the Father doesn't want to go to councelling for the depression, not much you can do, but I think make sure the girls are strong, in understanding of it all, able to cope with an outcome, when they do approach the subject and it's them that I would focus on to start with...

CW