How Can I Be Less Stubborn??

**Agony_Aunt** · 02-01-2012 05:58 PM

As some of you may know, I'm now in a new relationship and everything is going great and I couldn't be happier.

But this evening, we had our first row. It wasn't actually a row, more of a misunderstanding.

He'd been having a bad day and wasn't in the highest of spirits, I'd called down to see him and I did notice he wasn't talking as much and was being a little snappy. Before I went down to see him, I didn't know that he was having a bad day.

I asked him what was up that he seemed a little P'd off. He told me he was just having one of those days and wasn't in great form.

I stayed for the next hour and there wasn't much conversation. I told him to cheer up, we'd watch a comedy together and have a laugh or go do something, he kind of snapped back and said that he'd already told me he wasn't in good form.

This is when I snapped back at him, told him it wasn't my fault he was having a bad day and not to take it out on me. He then said, he wasn't going to say anymore in case he said something he'd regret. I sat there for about ten minutes feeling pretty annoyed at the way he'd just spoken to me.

I got annoyed then, got up, lifted my coat and said I was leaving, and that I'd see him again some other day when he's in better form.

He let the few minutes go by when I was getting my things before leaving.

He then apologized, said he didn't mean to take his bad day out on me, and that he doesn't even know why he's in such bad form, and asked me not to leave.

This is where my stubbornness kicks in, and I said no that I was leaving, I had my mind made up and that was it. ( I felt offended kind of because of how he'd acted towards me, but yet I knew I should atleast talk to him after he apologized, but I felt too proud to let someone talk to me the way he did and then give in to them

)

He asked was I really going to be stubborn and leave and not talk this out, and leave on bad terms even though he had apologized.

I ended up staying and talking to him, after he'd asked a couple of times.

He apologized again, but the conversation turned towards whether in the future I'll always be stubborn and just walk away rather than sit and talk about things, and if I am then we'll have problems if we can't talk things out if problems arise.

So this is why I want to know, how can I be less stubborn, when in this case it's not a good personality trait to have..??

**KMonte85** · 02-02-2012 06:51 AM

I don't know AA, I can't say from the scenario you've written here that you were totally out of line in wanting to leave. Personally, I think when someone is really crabby (myself included) the best thing for everyone is just to give that person some space. So that you wanted to go and leave him stew isn't necessarily the worst idea in the world in my opinion. Your boyfriend was being melodramatic in saying your wanting to leave means you're going to run away from issues you may encounter together in the future... I mean, really? He's being a crab-arse, you want to leave him alone, and he takes that as you're running from your problems? C'mon now...

With that being said - No, he shouldn't have taken his bad day out on you, but we're all human and we're all capable of being less than stellar people to the ones we love once in a while. Because of that, I would say that you may have wanted to handle his snappiness a little better. At the first sign of knowing he was in a bad mood and it was not going to be a good night with him, you could have excused yourself, saying you're tired or you've got something you need to do, or ___(insert some believable excuse here)__ and left. The last thing a person who's had a bad day wants to hear is "CHEER UP!" That's a bit of a jab, and makes a great opening for more snappishness! Which then gets escalated because the person being snapped at doesn't think they deserve it, which then can end up in a bit of an argument like in your case. It isn't avoidance when you're leaving a crabby person to their own devices, it's giving them their space so they can get over whatever bug is up their hiney and move on, without being offensive to innocent bystanders.

**Agony_Aunt** · 02-04-2012 06:47 AM

I did think that leaving was the best option. I didn't see it as "walking away". I was giving him space if anything.

It was just that after he said sorry and realised he was in the wrong for taking it out on me, I was way to stubborn and wouldn't listen and just kept saying I was leaving. Which made it seem like I wouldn't even take time to talk about it and it then seemed like that if I had to leave without talking, the situation would have been worse, and it would have been my fault because I was the stubborn one then that just left.

We talked again yesterday anyway and said that from now on, we should just talk, and avoid the whole silent treatment thing from both sides.
We actually laughed about it, laughing about how such a small silly little thing mixed with stubborn people had led to that.

**jns** · 02-04-2012 09:06 AM

Sometimes when someone is in a bad mood it is best to not get into a conversation with them as it can lead to fighting. It all depends on their personality. Later, after they have gotten over it, at least to some degree, then a conversation can clear the air and help them get back in a good frame of mind. Your stubbornness could backfire in that he could become scared that you will truly do what you say you are going to do and consider the relationship ended, then go act on that assumption. Never let anger or stubbornness cause you to say what you don't mean.

**Agony_Aunt** · 02-04-2012 10:56 AM

Later that night when I got home, I was so glad we had talked and cleared the air before I left because I know that I would have been really kicking myself if I had to have left when I first said I was going to. You know when the dust has settle and you're calm, that's when I really would have been thinking to myself "Why was I so stubborn, Why didn't I just talk?"

Is there any way or tips on how to actually not be so stubborn and not let situations get like that?

*** Never let anger or stubbornness cause you to say what you don't mean.
I have often seen and heard where people do say things out of anger that they didn't mean at the time, but often after words have been said, they can't be taken back.
I think if I learn to be less stubborn, something like that will never happen.

I know I am a stubborn person and it can be a good trait to have, but not always. And it's not easy to not be stubborn. Somebody just can't say to you, "Swallow your pride and just don't be stubborn".

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-04-2012 01:06 PM

I got annoyed then, got up, lifted my coat and said I was leaving, and that I'd see him again some other day when he's in better form

I think, if you had said rationally, "Ok, if you don't feel like talking about it, I'll go home. Give me a call tomorrow" kissed him on the forehead and left, it's different than stating " some other day" when he's your boyfriend

It's a learning curv. He doesn't know how you are going to react to things, you don't know how you are going to react to things, instead of letting the assumption of "how dare you" come into play, take a few seconds to think how you could handle the situation leaving on an even keel. You are being disprespected and you are respecting the way he is at that point in time.

Who knows, he may turn around and say " No, don't leave, sorry I've just had one heck of a day and don't want to talk about it, or converse much"..

I've always been taught "think before you speak"... Being stubborn is either you hiding behind this macho side, as not to get hurt in case it's you

Or, wanting control over a situation. Being calm and "no prob, give me a call, get some sleep", along those lines, puts the ball in his court the next day, but shows understanding without fear of rejection, or without coming across as he is not "allowed" to feel anything in-different.

The fact you both laughed about it, means that he sees the cute side too, of " hiding" behind words, in my opinion

Hiya AA x

**Agony_Aunt** · 02-05-2012 08:08 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

I think, if you had said rationally, "Ok, if you don't feel like talking about it, I'll go home. Give me a call tomorrow" kissed him on the forehead and left, it's different than stating " some other day" when he's your boyfriend

Yes I agree I added fuel to the fire here. But I didn't see a different way to react other than the way I did?

[/QUOTE]I've always been taught "think before you speak"... Being stubborn is either you hiding behind this macho side, as not to get hurt in case it's you

Or, wanting control over a situation. Being calm and "no prob, give me a call, get some sleep", along those lines, puts the ball in his court the next day, but shows understanding without fear of rejection, or without coming across as he is not "allowed" to feel anything in-different.[/QUOTE]

Those two highlighted one's above did catch my eye and made me ask a few questions.

**Me hiding behind this macho side, as not to get hurt? I can relate to that, and that may well be why I tend to be stubborn in situations.

**Wanting control over a situation? That one doesn't relate to me as much.

[/QUOTE]The fact you both laughed about it, means that he sees the cute side too, of " hiding" behind words, in my opinion

Hiya AA x[/QUOTE]

CW, could you please elaborate a little more "Hiding behind Words"