Tabatha S.

I have an old boyfriend that I almost married. He went overseas several years ago with the military. He wanted to have me come over and be with him. I guess I was scared, or lazy or something and didn't do it. I broke it off by just not writing to him anymore. (I know, I'm a for doing that) but, I still have feelings for him.
Here's the problem. I'm married now and have been for about 5 years. I got married because I was in love with the idea of being married... not because I was in love with my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband.... but not the same way.
The old bf was a gentleman, he was caring and took good care of me while we were together. I should also mention that the sex was incredible.
He's back now, and he found me through my sister. I have spoken with him on the phone and on IM's on many occasions. I want to see him again, but I fear it will be the beginning of the end of my marriage. What should I do??

fellowsquare

Break off your marriage and go risk it..
or
Do nothing and not see him.

__________________
- Your Fellow Square

Lakerat

I would hope that you would take the time to really think this out. Did you really love your old boyfriend and if so what was the real reason for not going? were you really in love with him or with the way he treated you and the sex? Sometimes the old saying "The grass is greener on the outher side of the fence" can ring true.

Is your marriage getting a lil stale so to speak and are you wanting to just feel wanted .....Then again maybe you already know all the answers to these questions.

I would look deep into myself and my reasons before I made a life changing decison.

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If it wasn't for the bad times.... We wouldn't appreciate the good ones!

JWB_pof

lakerat you said it best.
ask yourself those questions.
is sex the only thing for a relationship? some will say yes as i had this told to me by one woman. and i think its shallow of her to think that way, but hey, its her thought.
being treated is a big deal. if one treats you bad, why stay? if they treat you great and you love being treated great, think of how bad it can be the other way around.

your married now. you most deff. have to think this through. i would not want to be in your shoes and i wouldnt let it happen. if i were you i would have either went with him when asked or not. you didnt go for a reason. but you mentioned about being marries for the thought of being married. that is not good enough. you should marry because you want to marry that person for the right reasons.
if yo didnt love him enough to go through everythings n life, then you sholdnt had married him.
that goes to show that part of my theory is correct. people do things out of loneliness. what i mean by that is, some get married young, and then have their kids and soon after they d'vorce. but they missed out of their 20's or early 30's, missed the parties and hanginig with friends. and one reason they got married was becasue their friends did and they didnt want to alone for the rest of their lives. that is wrong to get married for that reason. and i was told this by some ladies.
but fact remains you have to think for yourself here. only you can make this decission. weigh all options.
i wont go back with an ex b/c things repeat 99% of the time. we broke up for a reason and it should be that way.
as for the grass is green er on other side, that is why some break it off and then regret what they did. and again you have to think this for you and only you.
weigh your delemah and think it out long and hard. i would never tell anyone to leave another for another.

Christine

Stick with your instincts. You know in your heart that it would indeed be the end of your marriage if you were to make contact with your old boyfriend. Though you appear to have married for the wrong reason try to act honourably now. Imagine how you might feel if your husband were contemplating the same scenario. You don't say whether you have children or not . . . if you do they must be a consideration.

califreak

I understand how you feel. Its very confusing but just think about it and do what you think is right.

CHANDLERS WISH

I believe you've received some very sound advice here.

If you were in love with your previous boyfriend,

you would not have felt the way you did above... You would not have broken it off, you may have been scared of "commitment" "time alone" , but you wouldn't have not written to him anymore just like that, if you truly had loved him, you wouldn't have been able to, it would have tore you to bits, you would have cried over and over and over.

So, then you "settled" ... Still hadn't found what you were looking for, but he was nice, you could fall in love with him.

Sure, you "love your husband but i would say you are not in love with him".

I don't know how old you are but would assume young, maybe 23, 24yrs old.

I would say to you, learn to love your husband as he is the person you at least had feelings enough for otherwise you wouldn't have gotten married, regardless of what you are stating here, i know that..

Just because he may not be as good a lover than that of your ex-boyfriend or treat you as well as you were treated, emotionally doesn't mean he can't.

If you love this man as you say you do, then time to let go of the past, because you would have followed him to the moon if he was your true love, give this a proper shot and learn how you both can have a better sexual life and respect, therefore, treating you more like a lady as you deserve.

Or, if it can't be done and you have tried and tried and tried, then you move on then..

Don't go backwards and don't go forwards, unless you've given your all.

Then, you know what it is that you have to do.

CW

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It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told

Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!

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Christine

Dear Tabatha
CW has given you a beautifully worded and well balanced response to your problem I really do hope you follow her advice; in fact I sense that you are ready to heed such advice for you have taken the time to stand back and examine the situation and to write to this column. You are, therefore, someone who does not act rashly, but someone who cares for the feelings of others and I believe that you are raedy to strengthen the relationship you have with your husband.

Good luck, take care.

Tabatha S.

I met him and talked with him the other day, he was as nice as I remember... It really would have been easier if he wasn't so darned nice. I told him that I wanted to think about it... and explained that I didn't want to leave my husband... but I could really feel the heart strings getting pulled. I know I shouldn't want to... but it's really difficult.

califreak

Thats good. Only you can choose whats right. Well good luck.