We have been married for about 2 years now (with no kids) and even though things have been rough from the begining I am really devastated now because my husband just shared with me that he has been abused (molested) as a child and this is the reason why he hasn't had kids yet bacause he fears he might do to them what they did to him, he says he has thoughts when he sees kids. He is 35 and I'm 22, I have no clue how to help him and I'm desperate because if we have kids this will always be in my mind. This has impacted me so much that I don't even want to be intimate with him not because of his past but because of the fear of getting pregnant even though I'm taking the pill... Any advice??

Hi Fluffy21.

I can see you must be devastated over this and I'm truly sorry that he wasn't "man" enough to communicate with his "future" wife before he married you. He's certainly a Man at 35 and should have been a man about this, rather break it to you a couple of years into the marriage which obviously was already strained.

I don't think any of us would worry about a past like that, it is never their fault when molested and we would only try to nurture them more and love them more as a result.

What concerns me is that he "thinks about children" not that he holds a fear based on what happened but that he obviously, sub-consciously liked that feeling or learnt to sub-consciously maybe even as a way out of the disgust that he felt at the time.

I would imagine he never received counselling but he certainly, certainly needs it now.

I imagine your sex life has been strained all through the relationship as well? Before and during marriage.

This is actually quite serious, there is a post from a gentleman with similar thoughts in the sex section who is a Virgin who also thinks about young children all the time.

He needs to get help now and hopefully it won't be too late for him to do so.

I also assume you expected to live happily ever after and have children with this man and again, I'm really discusted that he chose to not tell you and live a lie, fortunately you are young.

I don't know what to say, even if you don't have children the fact he "thinks" of it, may stem across to your friends children etc, it's just very dangerous.

I think you need to sit him down and state that to him and tell him you will support him if he seeks help and that you attend every one of those sessions and be able to discuss their thoughts on the situation as well, so that you know what you are dealing with.

As i said, he may really hate what happened and not really want to do anything but has put this in his mind to stop the pain of what happened to him...

Sorry again, very sorry.

CW

I for one agree with CW he needs to seek counseling, hopefully this will help him come to terms with it all. It is very devastating to a person to be molested I know from personal experience but for him to have thoughts about children in a sexual way is a little disconcerting. I am sorry that you are just now finding this out but maybe something for both of you to do is marriage counseling as well as one on one counseling for your husband. That is certainly the best option for you I think. As for the being intimate with him and being afraid of becoming pregnant if you aren't ready to have children make him use a condom as well in conjunction with the birth control, I am just having a hard time understanding why he didnt talk to you about being molested.....I know that for some, as well as for me that it was a bit of a touchy subject, but I think the best thing for you is to be supportive and understanding but the thoughts about children is what worries me the most. I am truly sorry that he was not able to tell you prior to the marriage. please keep us up dated, I for one would like to know how this turns out for you.

Dear Fluffy21,

I have read that paedophilia is an illness that can NOT be cured, so please, please be very careful.
Ask your husband to seek professional help and if he turns out to be that way, you must leave, you simply must.

Good luck dear, you will need it

You need to think about how important kids are to you. It my be that he will never feel he is safe around children (even though he may be completely safe).

i'm a victim of molestation that went on from ages 5-10. i can relate to how he feels cuz i feared for a long time that i would be prone to inflicting any type of abuse onto children. actually, my biggest worry is that other people will think i'm doing it. so i dont change my nieces or nephews diapers, or give them baths. not that anyone has accused me or made me feel that way..I feel that way.
just be supportive, have him go to counseling, tell him children are important to you, tell him you will go with him if he wants. or maybe volunteer at a childrens hospital or something so he has more contact with kids to see how he feels.
i believe that if he was going to molest a child he would have done it already.

Don't let yourself go into the place where you believe he is what was done to him. Stop and think about what he said, was it a statement or asking for understanding? I did the same thing on the night before my wedding. It was the only way I knew how to tell the truth. Several kids later and a lot of self exploration and nobody has ever been hit or touched or belittled. BUT YOU CAN"T DO IT ON YOUR OWN. You don't want to know the details and maybe he has to say them. Ask you family doctor for a therapist for you and if your husband wants one get a separate one for him. Don't try to see the same person it doesn't work.

Most of all remember this isn't about you. He trusts you enough to be honest about a humiliation, shame and pain that he will always live with. Let him know how proud of him you are for opening up. Don't decide your future in shock and without all the facts.

He trusts you enough to be honest about a humiliation, shame and pain that he will always live with.


Thats where I was gonna go 1scarymom

I think your on the mark.