Hi. This is my first post. I am living with the father of my 2 daughters. He is mentally abusive,and needs to have control over everything. I have been un happy for many years. Our older daughter is 14 and the younger one is 10. We live in a nice home and a nice neighborhood with good schools. I am so trapped because everything is his and even though I work and my money goes in the house everything is still his. He is always telling me I mooch off of him because I live in his house. I don't ask him for a dime, nor do I ask him to do any driving, meetings, etc. for the kids. Why haven't I left? GUILT. I feel terrible because I could never afford to live in the neighborhood that we live in and the kids just got settled in their schools. Through the years he has always told them that if mommy don't do anything wrong they will always have the best. If I leave then I am low class trash and a bad mother because we would have to live in a apartment. The kids don't want to do that because of our dog. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't here so they would not have to deal with the fighting and the worring about getting thrown out. Last time we fought he xld my car insurance,health insurance,cell phones,and put the house on the market.I can honestly say I hate where I am in life.

worlddworld17

Firstly welcome to this Forum, we will be here for you to vent, get mad and talk things through over this and I'm sorry for your situation.

I know that the hardest thing for you is that you are doing this for your children and for 4 - 6 years longer, you think you will be able to cope with this and stick it out and I believe that you have come to the end of it, you can't take much more, hense posting this.

Your husband thinks and has always thought that he "owns you".

And, you have put up with this for way too long. To say to the children "IF MOMMY DON'T DO ANYTHING WRONG YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST" ? That's abuse, emotional blackmail.

He is and has been using ABUSE... He is ABUSIVE.

Firstly, can I ask you a few things. Has he ever shown this or made such statements as you are stating above in front of any of your friends or family?

Can you prove that you have put money into the home?

AND, on that note, that's rubbish anyway, a good lawyer will ensure you don't suffer financially.

Do you have support from your family, to talk to about all of this, are they there for you no matter what decision you make?

Would they, could they take the dog for instance and your children can visit when ever?

There are lots of ways out of things when you can sit down and think clearly and realise it.

I was in an ABUSIVE "EMOTIONAL" Marriage.. EVERYTHING was his as well, even though I contributed.. He would verbally also be abusive, you are nothing, no-one will ever want you, you better think about this is your planning to leave... pfffttt I left and he's suffering trust me, not me. He wasn't a bad person, as such, just controlling, everything was his, a batchelor, who thought those words, ways would make me stay but i walked on egg shells for 7 years, gave back what for as well, but in the end my self esteem lowered and once that happened i walked, and regained it in 30 days.

I was amazed at the support, help and ideas that came flooding through and made me realise i wasn't stuck there at all, i could do this.

You need to

1) Seek professionals legal advice
2) Realise regardless you'll have a breakdown if you don't do something soon
3) Continue to be weak as he has made you
4) Realise you have a "fighting spirit" or you would never have written this
5) Realise there is help and hope and YOU CAN change things
6) Find solutions to the problems by asking, seeking and talking
7) The kids are old enough to stand on their own two feet, he, I am sure will never not give to them he is controlling he owns them to
8) They will see when they mature what you went through and understand even if not so much now
9) You are just as important as they are
10) You have support, just here from a Forum to listen to you


See this is as a, "that's it, I've had enough, so what are my options how do i do this and do this right"...

This man does NOT own you, your not a slave okay and he will live a miserable existance for the rest of his life, once you have gone, whilst you will have your own rooms, be your own person, be estatic at no more abuse, things being taken away from you ever again.

Your energy and happiness will shine through onto your kids and they will see it and be happier people too..

Have a think about some of those things.

CW

I agree with what CW said. In addition, your children will be better off in a cheap apartment with a parent who cares for them, then in a fancy house with an abusive father. He is abusing you, he may start abusing them.

Additionally, you don't want your daughters growing up thinking this is the way men are supposed to treat women. I think people's relationships are often molded by what they saw in their parents' relationship and this is clearly not healthy. Show those girls what a strong, capable woman such as yourself can and should do in such a situation. Take action and get out.

I agree with everyone else who posted before me....
Money is not everything. You have to have your children grow up knowing you deserve respect and knowing how people should treat each other, especially when in a relationship/marriage. What is best for you is probably best for them, in the long run.

I agree with EVERYTHING mentioned in the above posts but silvertae said exactly what I was going to. Hit the nail on the head.

No doubt about it, you need to get yourself and your kids out of there. I don't think there's any point giving you reasons to leave because you've stated them yourself already. For your kids' sakes as much as your own, don't allow him to control you any longer!

Please get in touch with a womens refuge if you have no family to help you. Don't hang around out of fear of your husband and fear of the unknown, go and restart your life while you can!

Good luck

Hey hun so sorry this is how you are forced to live. Your husband has such a low self esteem this lil bit of power he thinks he has he totally abuses it. When we love someone everything we have we would give to them to make their life better not hold it over their head.

Get your thoughts in order realize what you really deserve and get you and your girls to a place that is full of love not hate.

hope to hear from you more good luck