Advice needed..

**babydoll_am** · 09-04-2008 11:56 PM

Here's the background, I was in a relationship for almost 4 years, and I broke things off because the guy cared more about himself then me. After that relationship I started dating my husband. My husband and I have been married for about 6 months now. In the past my husband and I dated for a year and we've kept in contact with one another for 6 years.

The problem is I feel like my husband is controlling, and I am not sure what I can do about it. He likes to know what I do and who I talk to every day. Before when I would forget to mention someone, he would get upset and we would get into an argument. To me, I feel like sometimes he treats me as if he's my father and I have told him that. He feels like since we are married we should share everything.

I personally feel that a marriage involves a lot of compromising and trust. I feel like he does not do any compromising. I have compromised with him, I stopped talking to my friends that were men, I tell him whenever I talk to someone on the phone or whenever I get text messages and he's not around. I took all of my ex's family members off my email account, I don't respond to any of their emails, I don't talk to any of them any longer. We have sat down and talked about what I would like him to do and it seems like he doesn't care about it. Everything I do seems like it'll never be enough.

Today we got in an argument because my ex's aunt sent an email to me, my ex and my ex's mother. I showed my husband the email, since he wants us to "share" everything. I deleted it, and thought that was the end of it. The way his actions were throughout the day, it seems like he wanted me to email my ex's aunt back and tell her to stop emailing me. Nobody knows that we're married. We kept it a secret. I personally feel that, the email was not threatening at all, she is the type of woman to send out emails to people she cares for to inform people what is going on in their lives. And I am sure, the end of this year I'll get another Christmas card from her like I have in the past.

So I guess I have two problems I do not know how to deal with. Any advice?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-05-2008 02:44 AM

babydoll am
So I guess I have two problems I do not know how to deal with. Any advice?

Welcome firstly to the Fourm.

So what "two problems do you think you have to deal with?" Because, i think they will be very different to what people may in fact reply to you.

1. You should never ignore people in your life for someone else unless there is a vaild reason such as they hurt you and your S/0 wants to ensure that you are safe,

I understand compromise but there is no compromise you are the only one doing so.. You've pratically given up your whole life for him. Do you enjoy living like this?

2. You should never lie to your family. Imagine how they will feel when they find out that you are married and they were not part of it.. "You state NO ONE knows"..

May I ask why you got married without anyone knowing?

You need to stand on your own two feet. Imagine 5 years down the track and you have a child, then you won't be able to even leave the home, even to do shopping, unless he is with you.

You might as well go straight to gaol... because at the moment your in detention.

Stand up for yourself and tell him that you are married. Marriage is a commitment, your committed and if he continues like this you will commit him for being a nutter, only joking.

But, seriously... No one has the right to "control" another person's life and he is controlling yours, your families, the people you care about, past friends, current friends, even those will not hang around for ever as they get slowly pushed away by him, as he takes further control over you.

You will end up totally alone, no family, no friends, no one but him.

CW

**silvertae** · 09-05-2008 05:46 AM

Personally I would NEVER date or marry someone who did the things your husband does. He's manipulative and controlling and will only get worse over time. You can't afford to let all of your other relationships go because then who will be there for you when things get really bad and you HOPEFULLY leave him? Seriously, if he's consistently and systematically severing you from all of your friends and other relationships you are in dangerous territory! I don't know if this kind of behaviour can really be fixed but if there's any hope that he's not REALLY a totally a**hole but that he just has bad ideas about relationships then he needs to get his butt into counseling immediately and deal with his controlling issues. If he refuses, leave him. I mean, it's not like you have a major stigma of divorcing since NO ONE knows about it (which is a really screwed up situation in the first place...why is this a secret?)

**babydoll_am** · 09-16-2008 06:14 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Welcome firstly to the Fourm.

So what "two problems do you think you have to deal with?" Because, i think they will be very different to what people may in fact reply to you.

1. You should never ignore people in your life for someone else unless there is a vaild reason such as they hurt you and your S/0 wants to ensure that you are safe,

I understand compromise but there is no compromise you are the only one doing so.. You've pratically given up your whole life for him. Do you enjoy living like this?

2. You should never lie to your family. Imagine how they will feel when they find out that you are married and they were not part of it.. "You state NO ONE knows"..

May I ask why you got married without anyone knowing?

You need to stand on your own two feet. Imagine 5 years down the track and you have a child, then you won't be able to even leave the home, even to do shopping, unless he is with you.

You might as well go straight to gaol... because at the moment your in detention.

Stand up for yourself and tell him that you are married. Marriage is a commitment, your committed and if he continues like this you will commit him for being a nutter, only joking.

But, seriously... No one has the right to "control" another person's life and he is controlling yours, your families, the people you care about, past friends, current friends, even those will not hang around for ever as they get slowly pushed away by him, as he takes further control over you.

You will end up totally alone, no family, no friends, no one but him.

CW

When we got married, we didn't tell the people who I considered family for the past four years from my previous relationship. All of our family came to the wedding.

Thank you for your advice.

**WildChild** · 09-20-2008 01:50 AM

Do yourself a big favor and get in to see a counselor. I've dealt with men like this and it won't get better. You may have a narcissist on your hands and they are bad news! I agree with Silvertae and CW, any one who tries to control and limit your contacts so much could be setting you up for an abusive situation. Isolating is a common behavior of abusers. On the other hand it sounds like you may be unresolved about your ex. Your unwillingness to tell his family members of your marriage is a little odd. I can understand that some of his family is deeply connected. If they are your friends and care about you why shouldn't they share your happy news? Is your hubby picking up on your unwillingness to separate from these people and maybe seeing something you don't?
Regardless a good counselor will help you sort it out. Even if it's just you in counseling, get your hubby in for at least one session, it will help if the counselor has met him. This was huge for me, having my counselor tell me, he's a narcissist, it isn't you - it's him.

**Joy** · 09-20-2008 09:49 PM

hi read my post crossroads CW and WC gave me great advice. I too have taken all threatening equations out of the picture only to find i have also given away some of the things i love about myself so some one else doesn't have a security melt down. So then i've played the card don't make me give up something you aren't willing to give up yourself. In fact no one should ever ask you to give up something they wouldn't be willing to give up themselves.

Yeah a married couple should be able to share everything without it being threatenin. Who wants to share Shiiiit with someone when you get introuble for someone sending you something and you have no control over who sends you what.

If you have had to give up all these external people has he given up everyone from his past and show you everything?

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 09-21-2008 05:26 AM

Divorce

**qwq121** · 09-28-2008 06:07 PM

Originally Posted by silvertae

Personally I would NEVER date or marry someone who did the things your husband does. He's manipulative and controlling and will only get worse over time. You can't afford to let all of your other relationships go because then who will be there for you when things get really bad and you HOPEFULLY leave him? Seriously, if he's consistently and systematically severing you from all of your friends and other relationships you are in dangerous territory! I don't know if this kind of behaviour can really be fixed but if there's any hope that he's not REALLY a totally a**hole but that he just has bad ideas about relationships then he needs to get his butt into counseling immediately and deal with his controlling issues. If he refuses, leave him. I mean, it's not like you have a major stigma of divorcing since NO ONE knows about it (which is a really screwed up situation in the first place...why is this a secret?)

Thanks!

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