How will I do this? thoughts?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-17-2008 06:20 AM

I just read the replies to my blog... without details, thank you.

Now, give you a picture.

My ex- regardless of that blog, I am sensible, I can see.

Bottom line "bachelor"... no comprehension of Marriage.

Now to the point...

His "Nan" I met when she was 91... She is now 99.

In a home. I sold her Unit, she was in my industry (real estate) in as much as buying selling building. Not a lot, just a passion that she enjoyed with me.

We got on like a house on fire.

99... Currently in High Dependency Unit... Lungs, needs oxygen..

I took her for lunch frequently, phoned frequently, she always said " you always look after me, called me her Grandaughter, and unfortunately favoured me over her own blood, my ex.

Way hard, I went to see her in hospital after asking ex, if that was ok.

A month ago, just to explain he provided his email address after 16 months of seperation, he sends jokes through that's all, MHP for those whom get them forwarded... still noted tones of control every now and then but generally it's not a bad think to do, he would make a good friend just um, not husband...

Anyways...

She obviously won't go on much longer. My beautiful , beautiful , beautiful friends here have offered for me to share personally but hey you are all my friends,

She's a fighter, silly woman, I told her along time ago she would make 100,

When I saw her:

"Is someone coming to get me" Um sorry? Yeah plenty Nan, " Oh no, not plenty" I want to go home. "Oh okay".

"You have always been so good to me" to 10 minutes later... "What is your name again?" ahhh.

Now picture had.

Very soon, i will obviously be attending a funeral... My ex, never, ever, ever, said why it ended... so a friend said " so none of their business hold his hand, he was your husband".

True... as a friend he would be great..

So, on that day?

What would you do?

Be comforting? Hold his hand? Be there?

I am one of soul I think you know that.... I want to point out NO WAY do i feel anything for him other than the love of two people that had.........didn't have...........me.. heart.

I am worried I guess that he will take it as another try, no way, I am free, read my blog if you need.

But, don't you have to be there for every soul? Then say that's not what it means, rather the situation, if need be...

Or do you become a tad ? I am assuming he will tell me, and invite, I have asked that of him and he said regarding visiting her... "You were/are part of her family no one, no one will stop you from seeing her, my Brother just wished we could have worked it out, you go and see her"..

Way not into mind games but really need your thoughts on how best to handle that day.

CW

**Joy** · 09-17-2008 07:34 PM

Hey CW,

Its never easy to lose ppl we love so sorry to hear that his "Nan" is not doing well. I think you are very smart and brave and when that day comes you will already be prepared. In fact you are already preparing yourself.

Its ok to be there for him and console him like a friend because you've healed from being in that relationship. If he uses that day for some type of sympathy card you know where to draw the line.

It doesn't matter what others think of you being there its really none of their business cause you guys do get on good and you will only being saying farewell to someone you cherish.

**withered_rose** · 09-18-2008 11:28 PM

Hey CW i agree with joy, it should be your way of saying good-bye to someone that you cared about and to also be a support for someone that you care about as well. We all have different levels of love, the man that you loved enough to marry is no longer the romantic love but a friend, and that is still love to me, its just not as deep as it once was. You know where to draw the line and it is really up to you. The greiving process is difficult for many people but some take it better than others, see how he acts once things start to sink in, he may need a friend but you may also need to make it very clear that you are there solely as a friend and nothing more. I am truly sorry about your "Nan" it is rather difficult to lose some one that we have cared for even though they may not be "blood"

**Phoebee** · 09-19-2008 08:51 AM

I know you will miss her but... She really went home (I think) and someday you will too... And Home is going to be a wonderful place to be. Hugs - p

**EmotionsRvalid** · 09-19-2008 11:06 AM

CW I first want to thank you for the messages you've sent me and for the comfort and support you've shared w. me. I hope I can offer you as good advice as you've shared w. me.

As I read your post I got a sense of what you are feeling and going through. I'm very sorry for your loss. That's a tough one. I've lost an older sibling, grandparents, and a few dear friends and I still feel just as much loss each time. I hurts to lose someone you love. I take comfort and solace in knowing that I'll see them again. It seems impossible for them to not "be there" any more. I think that's right. I think we feel that way because they aren't gone forever, just for a while.
As far as what to do? He has family and friends that are there to side for him and with him in his loss. That's not your responsibillity. You are probably feeling vulnerable and I sense a lot of tension, anxiety etc. Just remind yourself that you can love him from the distance that he has set from his non commitment patterns. You understand that you are in a position to be hurt... Choose not to be in that position. It's all about choosing to think and acting on facts and from feelings of love, abundance, gratitude, etc. For ie. choose to guide your thoughts. Right now you're vulnerable and worn down and it's easy to let your mind race to fear, hurt, pain etc. You already hurt and you need comfort. Take the riens of your thoughts and seek comfort from someone who won't hurt you. Choose someone who you can trust. You know what distance is appropriate whether it's to talk to him- pat him on the back- etc. As you entertain those thoughts watch how you feel. You'll know. I know you aren't comfortable holding his hand even though you want to from what I've read from you. So don't. Think "what's the worst that can happen. Accept that it can happen. Think "is it THAT bad? Will the world end? Will I heal and survive the worst? Doing this will help ease anxiety and that will help let peace back in. Next- work to improve from there. Take thought and action to make things go better than the worst. I love you and wish you the best! Good luck! EmotionsRvalid

**Livelaughlove** · 09-19-2008 01:08 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. It sound like you too had a connection. Now, I dont think you should feel obligated to attend her funeral by any means. It is possible for you two to remain civil towards each other. If the topic of your relationship were to come up a simple "This is not the time or place to discuss that" should be sufficient in dodging the bullet.

You are a kind soul, and I wish you the best.

Live laugh and love

**miffed23** · 09-19-2008 02:00 PM

Aaawww, sweetie, made me sad reading this...

My thoughts are: I think you will know what to do when the situation arises. I also believe that because you are strong and have no feelings for him other than what you both shared when you were united - it wont hurt to be there for each other... if you want to hold his hand then do so... there is bound to be an emotional bond you both share, even after all these years, so it cant hurt to support one another.

Grief hits everyone in different ways, so bear in mind that he might keep himself busy by socialising with everyone (i know this is what i would do) - but you know him best, so follow that good 'soul' of yours.... thinking of you.

Milfred xx

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-19-2008 04:58 PM

Joy
In fact you are already preparing yourself . You've healed from being in that relationship. If he uses that day for some type of sympathy card you know where to draw the line.

Very true, Joy, I am... and I have... You kind of worked him out on that last line, this is probably my fear... Not that I can't handle him but I don't need that shirt on that particular day.

Last time Nan was ill was, one month after we separated, granted that wasn't a long time, but he cried, so I told him to come and pick me up from work and we would go see her together, we did, and he held my hand the hold time, sitting next to her, off course, un-confortable and confusing, which led to a re-trial that only lasted a few weeks ... He has been different this time, perhaps however, that was/is my fear, pure anxiety only of the "un-known" but knowledge of the outcome is I walk as per last time.

withered rose
but a friend, and that is still love to me.. you know where to draw the line.

You may also need to make it very clear that you are there solely as a friend and nothing more.

Again, yes I will to a degree, is it that I will be in a sea of people, that I also "knew" whom I haven't spoken to for 17 months, not by choice but by his? Including his brother and Aunty.. Because he choose not to say anything, fair call, but they chose not to ring me either. FAMILY.

EmotionsRValid
He has family and friends that are there to side for him and with him in his loss.

He has all... lol.. That's the thing... I will not just be there for Nan, and seen as ex-wife, I will be in a sea of people, and I will the only one... If that makes sense.

EmotionsRValid
You are probably feeling vulnerable and I sense a lot of tension, anxiety etc. Just remind yourself that you can love him from the distance that he has set from his non commitment patterns. You understand that you are in a position to be hurt... Choose not to be in that position.

Take the riens of your thoughts and seek comfort from someone who won't hurt you. Choose someone who you can trust.

Again, I visualise, standing there... He off course will talk to me, then the awkwardness of his brother, then all his friends WT? I didn't think they talked? He again gets to win hey, on the "emotional level of getting CW" . Well, I am sure he would say, it's not their business as well... But, 1 person in a room filled with people I knew, but words un-spoken. What a tough call for 1 person to bare, reminds me of the verbal on-going rubbish he did... He's just doing it quietly this time, excepting I can't say that he is doing it, it is a result of his actions before not know.

But you did then provide the solution and why I didn't think of it , well must be mulling more over in my mind than needed. What, I highlighted. Take a girlfriend myself, have someone to be next to me. Someone to walk in with...

LiveLaughLove
If the topic of your relationship were to come up a simple "This is not the time or place to discuss that" should be sufficient in dodging the bullet.

I doubt that he would verbally at all, I just suspect that he will "use it" like he tried to back 17 months ago, "emotional" .... That's okay, I know what I feel, nothing in that regard...other than what people here have said... An ex-husband whom is a "friend".. Perhaps I am more worried about him "thinking " maybe, realising after, not and then go back down the original path and it gets a bit nasty again...

We are not Divorced yet and I have been keeping the peace as well as the fact " I don't HATE anyone" Never have, never will... Maybe it's just my fear and he will in fact be perfectly fine, and not feel that way.

I guess it's like EmotionsRValid said, yes, there is a lot of anxiety and what if's... But also imagine yourself as 1 out of say 50, but you know 40 of them but hadn't spoken since you broke up and none rang you, as their group is like "family" you stick together the other person is the out-cast.

This will be ONE TOUGH GIRL if she goes, (me that is)

Miffed23 (Aka - Mildred)
I think you will know what to do when the situation arises

I think I am now convinced after reading all of this, to TAKE A FRIEND with me... Have a "girlfriend" come with me, stand with me... Perhaps the best solution I think.

Pheobe
She really went home (I think)

Not yet, Pheobes but at 99 and a half, would be fantastic if she can breathe on the machine, for a nother 7 or so months and reach 100 first... mmmm. Can I wish something like that ?

I always said she would reach 100... 7months buying time would also actually make all of this way more easier.

I may do so.

Thanks Guys, I guess I worked out my worse fear of all of this, a possible solution being taking someone with me, and now "white witch" will try to bide some time as well to assist.

Appreciate your warmth, compassion and advice.

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-19-2008 05:05 PM

Oh and I will add.

Blood is, not what makes love happen.

She always called me "her grandaughter" as she proudly introduced me over and over again, at the Nursing home.

When i had to tell her why I couldn't visit her that first Christmas day, (noting a card as well from my ex's brother with his name, his girlfriends and my ex's on it not mine), her words with slight tears in her eyes, were "Well as long as you both are happy that's all that matters, and your still my grandaugter"..

That probably is difficult as well, as now she, as I said, will say your always there for me and in the next breathe, what was your name again...

Old, wise souls hey? ...

CW...

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