First let me start off by saying that I completely love my fiancee and he is my best friend. I am completely dedicated to him and this relationship. he is not a bad person at all but he has his moments. We sometimes get into arguements and we both say a lot of hurtful things to each other that we dont mean. At least I really dont mean it. He knows how to push my buttons and I know how to push his. We had a huge arguement this weekend over me not allowing him to go to a party alone. I feel very insecure and I can admit I am a little controlling but he can be too. I trust him, but his parents are currently going through a divorce due to his unfaithfulness and his grandfather did the same thing to his grandmother (cheated and divorced, remarried, cheated and divorced again) I am scared history will repeat itself which has spiked my recent suspicions. But the thing is that when we got into it this weekend he said a LOT of hurtful things to me (as did I to him but not as bad) He told me he didn't love me and hasn't for a while and that he was unhappy and was leaving. He said he didn't need another mother. This all came as a shock to me because the day before we were picking out wedding rings. Anyways we made up tonight after having a serious heart to heart and he said he didn't mean it and he was sorry. He just said I need to not be so jealous and give him space sometimes. Even though he said he didn't mean it I can't help but to believe he did. He really hurt me and when I try to explain how I feel he gets mad and wants me to forgive and forget, but I can't just forget....what should I do?
Well.... this is coming from a girl that has a very unfaithful guy in her life, for a very long time - trust him until he gives you a good reason not to. Family history really shouldn't count. And as my Lama says, the trick to keeping a guy (slash girl, slash relationship) is akin to holding a bar of wet soap - if you squeeze to hard it will slip out of your hands, but if you open your palm and lay it gently there it will stay forever.
Its tough for me with my currently unfaithful guy - so we can only hope its easier for you! Happy sudsing
Number 2: Family history DOES make a difference. Not genetically, but it can imprint on his brain that that type of behaviour is acceptable.
You CANNOT make him be faithful. He has to WANT to not go anywhere else for the things a partner is supposed to provide in a relationship. And sex is only a small part of it. Men (and women) don't stray for sex, they stray becuase they are not getting from their partner what they need. What they are not getting will be different in each individual case, but it is not a simple as sex.
Have you tried couple counselling? You two need to learn to communicate without throwing stones. Throwing stones can damage a relationship, and "big" stones can put cracks in a relationship that can never be repaired.
Learn to tell each other how you feel. Did you tell him that you did not want him to go to the party alone becuase you feared ihe might be tempted to stray? That probably was your fear - yes?
Did you discuss why you fear he will stray? Do you know that yourself? He may very well feel you are just trying to be controlling when actually your actions are caused by fear of losing him. Does he realise that?
You MUST work on your communcations. Without that the relationship will not work well.
Not trying to sound negative, but people do often express how they really feel when they are angry. Sometimes, though, it is just hurtful words with no meaning. If he says it again, I would consider it as a truth, to be honest.
Also, yes, put off the wedding. Get into premarital counseling. My husband and I did that, and we learned a lot about each other just from that. It helped us to grow in our relationship before we were even married. We still have the notebook of things we wrote about each other, so we can reflect on them from time to time. Really helps put things into perspective.
Also, yes, as said above, work on your communication. Premarital counseling will help you to do this as well.
Give him some space..and you take yours. You both can't be each others WHOLE life, you need to have outside lives too. As far as the comment that he made...really sit and think about it. Has his past actions/behaviors backed up the comment? If so then you really need to think about what is best for YOU.
A relationship should be large enough to grow as indiviuals and close enough to grow as a couple. Its a fine balancing act. Why are you feeling insecure he is your fiance.......... maybe you should look into why you feel this way and change it. Face whatever shortcomming you think you have.
You and your fiance have to decide what type of relationship you want in life. You have to trust him and be honest with him. Does he know why you are feeling a bit controlling and insecure?
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