Trying to Find Myself

**Searching_82** · 10-08-2008 10:51 AM

I have never lived on my own. From the day we started dating..even before...we lived together..in dorms..then our own place..now a house. I have never once lived on my own. He has also thrown down the "i think i might kill myself" card..which is why I feel so trapped.

I'm only 24, not in a real career because I left school for him and now I can't get back in b/c I am trapped with home expenses, etc. There have been too many sacrifices made on my part..and none on the other. Alot of hurt has come my way that has just left me feeling useless. He went from his one long term girlfriend right into me without a break inbetween...which also caused a lot of friction our first year together b/c i kept getting cheated on but hung around anyway because at that point self esteem was non existant for me. I felt worthless (I still kind of do). I have been given opportunites to go to other cities to work, etc. and have been told I couldn't do it..just...its like I'm 24...opportunities are coming my way and I have to keep saying "no I can't do that"...I can't live like this.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-08-2008 01:12 PM

Originally Posted by Searching_82

I have never lived on my own. From the day we started dating..even before...we lived together..in dorms..then our own place..now a house. I have never once lived on my own. He has also thrown down the "i think i might kill myself" card..which is why I feel so trapped.

I'm only 24, not in a real career because I left school for him and now I can't get back in b/c I am trapped with home expenses, etc. There have been too many sacrifices made on my part..and none on the other. Alot of hurt has come my way that has just left me feeling useless. He went from his one long term girlfriend right into me without a break inbetween...which also caused a lot of friction our first year together b/c i kept getting cheated on but hung around anyway because at that point self esteem was non existant for me. I felt worthless (I still kind of do). I have been given opportunites to go to other cities to work, etc. and have been told I couldn't do it..just...its like I'm 24...opportunities are coming my way and I have to keep saying "no I can't do that"...I can't live like this.

Sweet, "I might kill myself" means, "I want to control her" I want her to think that I will, I want to control her... It's the word card to throw at someone...

To get over that one, you tell his family as you leave, that he stated that and make that their responsibility okay.

Secondly, sure you have not lived alone before and your 24, it's time to have your own curtains hung, your own cushion on the lounge, the one that you admire when you come home and flop yourself on that lounge, it's mine, all mine.

Leaving schooling, giving your monies, him not contributing the same, sacraficing, don't panic over that, we all do what we have to do in order to give a relationship a chance, but, you have been offered jobs, who says you "can't"? There is NO SUCH WORD AS CAN'T.

I can do what ever I want to do because it is my life.

There is NO SUCH WORD AS DON'T.

I can DO.

I "can't live like this?"

I WON'T LIVE LIKE THIS.

Explore what the jobs are, explore what assistance there is for you, accomodation wise, discuss with your family your intentions, take one of the jobs, tell his family about his " I MIGHT" and walk out that door.

YOU CAN DO IT...

Because this is your life.

CW

**Searching_82** · 10-10-2008 06:42 AM

CW-You always know how to make me feel better :O) Thank you for the many words of encouragement

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-23-2008 03:42 PM

I read your new thread, and posted my "poll"...

So, wondering. Have you taken any steps so far regarding talking to family, looking at job opportunities?

Because really, you need to take steps of comfort and understanding of at least the beginning of your new future, or you may still be depressed and worried about all of that as well, if you walked today.

That's not to say 1 week, 2 or 2 months, but curious if you have started to "open some doors for yourself", whilst "closing some much other needed ones".

CW

**Searching_82** · 10-24-2008 05:36 AM

We had the divorce talk last night. It was extremely emotional on both sides as I believe while it hurts...we know its best. Esp with what I have been going through personally with not beinga ble to figure out who I am and the depression (extreme depression) that I have felt lately. I asked him if I made him miserable...he wouldn't look at me as he said "no". Thats how I knew that staying in this was hurting him. I couldn't keep dragging it through the mud..ith ad to happen then and there and it did. We are on talking terms, however we both hurt. Should I stay in the house and be cordial or do you reccomend me staying somewhere else while I process everything that is going on?

**WildChild** · 10-24-2008 07:52 AM

At some point you HAVE to get out on your own. This is VITAL. In this day and age it's shocking how many women never have. Both men and women need time living on their own, to really discover who they are as an individual before they entangle their life with someone else's. You need to support yourself financially and emotionally. Make your own freinds, discover your own interests and your competencies. You need to KNOW that you can stand on your own. We are all interconnected with many people but you have to have a knowledge of self.

That doesn't mean you have to walk out the door this afternoon. I don't think you've ever answered the question of whether you are employed at a level that will allow you to support yourself? Take some time to develop a plan, an exit plan. Write out a budget, realistically what will it cost you to live? Rent, utilities, insurance, vehicle maintence, food, self care, a bit of fun and fluff? What can you do to get there? Do you Have to have a car? What part of town do you want to live in? Want a roommate? Figure this stuff out and then how you can get there as quickly as possible. Understand you may have to make some sacrifices. There's a lot you can do without to get your freedom.

Don't rush but don't drag your heels either. Get a plan and execute it. You're a big girl now, time to take ownership of your needs. Whatever else you do stay single for At Least a year. You need time to find you, on your own without reference to a man. Have freinds, have fun, work hard, try some new things. Good Luck. You are on the brink of taking the first real steps into true adulthood! Go for it!

**Searching_82** · 10-24-2008 10:40 AM

Thanks WIldChild..yes..fortunately I am in a position where I could afford to be on my own. I already have my own car and am already paying for it, insurance, etc. so thats not an issue. I am currently working on the budget, housing etc. so it is being thought of.

Thanks for your support, as always :O)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-24-2008 03:48 PM

[quote=Searching_82;59524]We had the divorce talk last night. It was extremely emotional on both sides as I believe while it hurts...we know its best. Esp with what I have been going through personally with not beinga ble to figure out who I am and the depression (extreme depression) that I have felt lately. I asked him if I made him miserable...he wouldn't look at me as he said "no". Thats how I knew that staying in this was hurting him. I couldn't keep dragging it through the mud..ith ad to happen then and there and it did. We are on talking terms, however we both hurt. Should I stay in the house and be cordial or do you reccomend me staying somewhere else while I process everything that is going on?[/quote]

I think, that if you have discussed this as suggested, with his family to ensure he has support then, in your situation of how you feel, it seems to be damaging you further and further..

Sometimes, it is hard " you have to think about No1" you......

If you feel that it is almost impossible to stay there, it's really depressing you further and very difficult, do it gently by saying, and not a bad thing to do either, I am going to stay with Mum and Dad for a week.

Giving yourself this time out, surrounded by your family, whilst ensuring his family are aware of his "threat of suicide", will let you breathe and also start to work out your next steps, whilst also letting him have some time to realise the inevitable.

It could be worth a try, this way, you can extend that 1 week to 2, and then go from there.

I know we don't necessarily like to move back in with family ( or you could chose a friend) but, to see how you totally feel and to breathe, it isn't a bad thing to "have a holiday" away from the home..

CW

Thread: Trying to Find Myself

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions