Trying to Find Myself

**Searching_82** · 10-07-2008 06:34 AM

Okay..this is going to sound awful, but please keep in mind that there are a lot of other issues going on as well.

So, I got married a couple of months back and it just doesn't feel right. It didn't feel right when we first got engaged (I felt sick..and like there was a heavy load on me...but I just thought it was butterflies and stress...like over-excitement) and then getting closer to the wedding I Just started to feel the heaviness get heavier. Like, something just wasn't right, something was pulling me back saying "no! don't do it!" I brought this up to my fiance at the time, numerous times, about postponing the wedding and each time he would almost guilt me back into it "well fine time to decide this! 3 months before! you just had your shower! now what!" etc. etc. so...me being the person who has been stripped of any self esteem/worth just caved and would say "okay fine..its just nerves I'm fine". A week before my wedding every morning I would wake up sick with nerves. Everyone told me "its just pre wedding jitters you'll be fine after your married everyone goes through this" so I brushed that off and thought that it was normal. Well..the wedding is over..and it has just gotten worse. At this point I just want to be on my own, I want to figure myself out. They say you can't love another until you first love yourself...well I don't love myself. You can't make another happy until you are first happy...well I'm def. not. I come home and its like walking on egg shells. The only time I don't feel anxious is when I stop and think about living on my own..not answering to anyone.being able to do my own thing and not being asked when I would be home, who I was with, etc.
We have had a discussion about this...about how I now think my feelings before the wedding were valid and not just pre wedding jitters. I am starting therapy shortly and I have already told him that if my therapist tells me that this relationship is a huge reason for my current depression that I have to do what is right for me and leave. I can't stand being unhappy anymore..and I think I am finally getting a little bit of self worth back and just realizing that ..I never really was truly happy in this relationship. I was never myself..I was who he wanted me to be and who I thought I had to be to keep him around. I hate that. Forgiving myself for not being true to myself is probably going to be one of the hardest things for me to do.
Does anyone have any advice to help me through this rough time? I just feel completely alone and like I have no one to turn to.

Thanks.

**WildChild** · 10-07-2008 08:11 AM

A good therapist won't tell you what to think or that your relationship is the cause of your depression. The cause is your response to it. A good counselor will help you determine what you want and what you need to do to get it. Sounds likes you know, you've known all along. You didn't listen to your inner voice. I know, cuz I've done it before. My first marriage I cried all through the ceremony because I knew then I was making a mistake. I allowed myself to be presuaded to override my feelings, you are right it comes from poor self esteme. Did you grow up abused? That often results in a great deal of difficulty acting positively in your own behalf. You have two choices, decide to find it in yourself to make it work or get out. The counselor will help you with that. Chin up. This may end up embarrassing and frustrating but it beats the heck out of years of being miserable - which is what I did.

**Searching_82** · 10-07-2008 10:25 AM

Its terrible that you had to go through that, but at the same time its nice to know that I am not alone. No I wasn't abused growing up, I had a loving family life until about..late highschool/college but that was normal teenager vs. parents stuff...nothing extreme. However, including this relationship, I have been cheated on in every relationship I was ever in so I guess that wore me down a lot self esteem wise...and I was always made fun of as a kid..and yeah..see! It gets deeper.

I agree..I think I know what I want to do...it's just getting there..and getting the courage.

Thank you for your reply

**withered_rose** · 10-07-2008 11:56 AM

I am sorry to hear that hon, I understand how you feel though Being in a relationship that you are not happy with or even comfortable in is not healthy for you. Find a good counselor and they can help you figure out what it is that you need in your life right now. Its going to be difficult but I am sure that you are one strong woman, you many not feel like it but I am sure that she's in there some where. Trust your gut instinct, and don't let your husband guilt you into staying, DO THIS FOR YOU! you are important don't forget that. Good luck hon.

**Searching_82** · 10-07-2008 12:21 PM

Thank you that was very sweet of you. I do need to do what is right for me...its just hard b/c my husband is a good guy..very sweet, loves me..but its just not feeling right to me at all...and I think he is realizing that I'm on my way out which is why he is pouring it on so thick. Just something doesn't feel right. I've been in this relationship since I was 18..had no college experience...put so much aside..so many opportunities that I couldnt take I just want to live but I dont want to hurt him. I hate hurting others which is a huge downfall..which is why usually I just suck it up and deal with being unhappy as long as it makes others happy

**Joy** · 10-07-2008 01:03 PM

Are you in love with your husband? Do you love him? You say you wanna live.... does being with him some how restirct this? What holds you back? Is it because you don't think he will accept some of the things in life you would lilke to explore?

You have to take an active role in developing your own life you can't always do what makes others happy. Is there no compromise in this relationship? Is it not large enough to grow as an indiviual and as a couple?

I'm all for you going after your dreams and living your life to the maximum fulfillment you are seeking and longing for. What if tomorrow you woke up and lived for yourself nothing radical like running away to join the circus but every choice you made you thought of yourself first before thinking of how this decision would affect your husband, friends, family, ect ect.

What chains bind you and stop you from flying? Is it fear, failure, or actually succeeding?

I've been where you are and honestly went thru a period of blame on others before i realized the only person holding me back and down WAS ME. Yes there are always contributing factors and people willing to help you hold yourself back. ULtimatly it comes down to you have to change your mind set about yourself and liberate yourself before others will.

feel free to vent and get this out........... if you feel restricted you need to find personal expression.

**WildChild** · 10-07-2008 03:31 PM

Joy has made some good points. Where ever you go you take yourself. So be certain where the restrictions really are.

**Joy** · 10-07-2008 07:06 PM

Thanks Wild! You said it much better in less words

**Searching_82** · 10-08-2008 06:02 AM

At this point I just feel like I am emotionally dead to the relationship....and everything else for that matter until I think of waking up in my own place..m.aking my own decisions and going about MY day. If I wanna go out after work, I go. If I want people over, they can come...if I want to be alone..I can do that too. I think of focussing on myself without it effecting others or without it causing greif on me from others, and the feeling is almost euphoric..well not almost ...it is. It's the best feeling I have felt in a long time and its not even in my grasp yet.

That is the hardest part is taking step 1...well what is step 1? What's step 2? I can see what I want....there is just a lot of obstacles in the way and I have no idea how to get around them.

**WildChild** · 10-08-2008 11:31 AM

You have to remember there is no way out of this without causing grief. Get into a counselor and talk to them about what you are experiencing. You need to get clarity on what it is you are really trying to get away from.
How much time did you have living on your own, self supporting before you got engaged? You haven't mentioned kids, I assume there aren't any, it's just you and your new hubby, what is stopping you from doing what you want? Working, going to school, trying new things? When I went through this with my first marriage I had discovered, a few weeks before the wedding that he was having an affair, when I tried to call it off he threatened suicide - very convincingly - and I fell for it. You're saying your hubby is sweet and caring. My concern is that you will get out, hurting a good a good man in the process and in a short time be no happier than you were before. Then what will you have gained?

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