Is it cheating?

**Mrs Muse** · 10-07-2008 03:04 PM

I'm not one who usually puts my problems out for the world to see. I've taken a lot of pride in handling my business by myself. But this time I think I need an opinion or ten.

Here's what happened. I married a man without realizing what kind of potential $$ he could be. We dated for about a year, both of us military at the time. I had spent 6 years alone lerning how to take care of myself when I met my now husband. I knew that I'd marry him and so decided shortly after dating to "merge" our things and play house. That's when my father passed and everything went down hill.

In a period of about 6 months I was discharged due to a weight problem and we went from two incomes to one (meanwhile I was down south trying to take care of my mother, a housewife of 36 years now without dad around to take care of her), he lost control and wound up throwing everything I owned away (including the dog which he gave to a friend of his). I didn't know this when he came down and married me. He kept that his little secret.

Anyway, that was two years ago. Since then we've miscarried, fought, made up and fought. I never forgave him.

He had to go to CA for six months for a school after receiving orders to a newly built ship. Durring that time I said, "I've had enough, I want a divorce." We didn't speak much, but then when he came back to Maine we wound up seeing each other and neither of us could stop from saying, "I was just so ed mad, I wasn't ready to see you again".

I asked if he had seen anyone durring our six month seperation, he said no but I read his text messages (yes, thirty something years old and still texting) and saw that not only did he see someone, he had sex with her.

I can't stop thinking about him with her, the texts they shared were very... loving. Well, from him to her anyway, he calls her baby and love, she doesn't seem as warm towards him.

He says he was just looking for someone to talk to, sex was a bonus and that she was a good hour away from where he was so he'd only seen her three times. (no, I don't buy it either).

So, is it adultry? Am I wrong for being a little hurt that he couldn't keep it in his pants? What do you think? I'm all ears on this one.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-07-2008 06:07 PM

It's strange how you can "hear" from words..

Am I right in thinking though that you had "family problems" at that time and left him purely to attend to family?

At the time that you did that, he chucked everything out (anger problems) and gave your dog away ( spiteful)?

But then through communication, he came down and married you.

You were of the opinion that he was financially stable, but when you lost your job, and it was down to one income you established that he is not?

The sex, text messages happened after you got married?

It sounds to me that he lied to you from day one, has an anger problem, takes what he wants in life, and doesn't understand marriage and commitment and family.

I think everything he has done is wrong, not just the sexual side, but the dog, the lying and the non-understanding of emotions you had to deal with, with your family.

Seemed that your 6 years alone were happier weren't they?

CW

**Mrs Muse** · 10-08-2008 02:00 PM

Well, the problems came when the money went tight. There was a great many problems from him being immature and yes having anger issues. We both signed the divorce papers but when it came down to it, neither of us had it in us to take the papers to the courthouse and file. Things are better than they ever have been (not hard to do). I don't think so much about what he did pre him going to California. However, every now and then I can't stop thinking about how he was with the other woman durring the time we were seperated. I mean, I kept my legs closed, didn't even go out to dinner with a man. I wonder why it was so dang hard for him to do the same? Anyway, I know I brought it on myself by staying with him to begin with but... eh, no excuse. Thanks for responding!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-08-2008 02:30 PM

Well immaturity, loss of control, no sense of finance, anger, perhaps even a sense of non-understanding the word Committment? However, he still come down and married you.

I think that guys when they feel it's not going to work, this is balamy, stuff it, will do what ever they feel like.

Where as a woman will ( i waited 12 months after separation), hang about and keep some dignity of it all, because we are emotional and frankly, as sexual as we may be, look at emotions and seek and wait for someone to come along that can make us feel whole, not fill it.

Did i say that?

So, if you have jumped hoops and hurdles and the stones throwed, then good for you, don't dwell on what he did, he did what men do unfortunately, it's not un-faithfullness persay, rather that is there way of filling their emotions when lost.

That's my thoughts anyway.

CW

**Mommiesbabies** · 10-09-2008 06:16 PM

i dont think there is anything wrong with feeling hurt. your human. i think when money is involved that can hurt a relationship. what he did was inexcusable. but you need to be happy, with or without him. only you can make the best decision for you no matter what anyone opinion is. but the dog!! just live your life the way it will make you happy!

**SorridLives** · 10-09-2008 09:24 PM

I would feel very hurt and don't know if I could forgive either. It depends on if you think things are really fixed between you and if you think he'd do it again. I think it comes down to trust issues.
Do you still love him?

**withered_rose** · 10-09-2008 09:31 PM

That's so inconsiderate on his part selling your stuff like that.and especially giving away your dog, I think that you have every right to be upset with him, especially when he has lied to you, all that we ask in a relationship is honesty and sometimes we can get it while other times they find it better for them to lie to us, where it would have been better to be truthful in the first place. I am sorry that this has happened to you and that it is very difficult but you are not wrong for being angry with him because he was not honest with you about seeing other people while the two of you were separated. so that's really my opinion on that one. best of luck to you dear.
withered

**ChelseaRenee** · 10-10-2008 12:26 AM

I so sorry.

This all sounds really hard. To me, he doesn't sound like a good person. I'm sorry, but he gives me bad vibes. Like someone who's emotionally just a bad person to have around. I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think leaving would be a terribly bad idea.

As for knowing he "cheated", you have 2 options. Either suck it up and pretend you don't know to avoid conflict, or admit what you've done. Tell him you checked his phone, you know it was wrong, but you know that he lied and slept with someone else. You said he has anger issues, and when people are painted into corners they tend to lash out like frightened animals, so be careful. People get hurt pretty easily over stuff like this.

**Mrs Muse** · 10-10-2008 07:48 AM

Wow what responses! I'm so blessed to have been able to see them. Well, let's go down the list here for my responses.

1. He didn't sell my things, he outright threw them in the dumpster (the dog, my Grace, he gave away)

2. You are very right, he isn't a very nice person emotionally wise, or wasn't. He's been back (military) for only two weeks and I can't say for sure he's done any changing this past six months. Like I told him this morning, things were always fine until life came at us, until someone had something happen i.e. death, financial pitfall, miscarrage, etc., then the proverbial poop hits the fan.

3. To the question do I love him? I love the idea "of" him. I love the man I know he can be. But do I love what he did? Not just no but heck no!

I'm not getting any younger, my body isn't what it used to be and lord knows I was given an overall bad gene pool when it comes to things like teeth and bones. I know it's cliche but, sometimes you have to take what you can get. I'm not settling, but dang it I hate giving up! I want to fix it and make it never happen again.

I guess that's the difference between men and women, women want to hang on in hopes of saving face. Men just don't seem to care.

3.

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