hurt and confused...??

**coral-sky** · 10-18-2008 02:33 AM

Im not sure what to think anymore. Ive been married for 7yrs and for the first 6yrs its been a struggle with a controlling husb. No freedom, no just being able to see friends, allways being suspicious and thinking I must be having an affair even when I just simply go to the supermarket...blah blah. Too many crazy things to mention...like having to give up jobs because hes made it so hard.
It has killed a lot of my spirit and made me angry...Im angry because Ive allowed this to happen...and that Ive said 'yes' when I meant 'no' too many times.
Ive found over the past year things have come to light. Ive discovered dating site that husb joined...Ive found 'teen porn' (hes 34 and Im 43)...He can go anywhere he likes without any explanations...he is a compulsive liar and only has teenage friends (17-20yrs) who seem to be totally impressed by him. My eyes are opening up...as I believe Ive been niave for too long.
In all these years I havent had what I consider a 'normal' life...I miss my girl friends...I miss the freedom...
My husb doesnt take me to work functions or invite people over for dinner or whatever. Im spoken to like when I stick up for myself...even trying to get the kids to believe bad of me...but that fails for him...as he proves to be an ever growing jerk.
I havent spoken to anyone about these probs..and I feel a bit yuck by voicing this..but hey..its kinda anonymous..and Id like to hear someones opinions on this..
Now Im starting to wonder wether he's actually faithful...although he still likes to keep me in his cage, I sense that its got nothing to do with 'love'..or 'wanting' me.
I want to start to have a life..but finances stop that...having children makes it even a bigger challenge.
How can I start my life NOW...?
Cheers Coral-Sky

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-18-2008 02:49 AM

We all make "mistakes" control sometimes at the beginning is "cute" awe he is jealous that's sweet..

My marriage was 7 and a half, although he trusted me " didn't have your problem there" and friends he made his, he loved the girlfriends " but when he saw magazines they are all s1uts" that was his wording, ' his first wife left him for another man" she was 21 he 31, both virgins, i guess for me it was the safety of a non cheater instead of realising that he was not over that..

But, his control was "emotional abuse" and his control was " everything was his nothing was mine" , I was no - one.

So, i feel for you, only i am strong and never, ever, really let him win in that department I knew my self worth.

Hunny, you deserve the "best" the best.

He may relate to younger because they "believe in him" think he is cool, where as older people don't, they can see the writing on the wall, just like you can.

You can't be "left in the background" or not "share" things.

It is "Cyber Space" you can say what ever who knows you? no-one best place to ask questions.

Start your life now?

Do what I did, understand that he is a jerk, that you are good, important, and start working towards how you can move out , forget finances i thought of that to, he knew that, i would have had to go back to such a small house, 1 hr from work, but as i opened up to family/friends and banks, it changed and there was a light and i moved towards it.

We think we can't.

"THOSE WHO BELIEVE THEY CAN AND REALLY BELIEVE THEY CAN, CAN AND WILL"

you can...

CW

**coral-sky** · 10-18-2008 03:03 AM

Thanks for that...as you can imagine its a little more complex than what Ive written.
Beleive it or not Im allways told how 'strong' I am. I have ly stuck to this marraige but allways stuck up for myself and am allways clear on what I thought wasnt right...by letting him know. But I think sometimes these controlling type people beleive in their own so much that it doesnt matter what explinations you give...they cant comprehend.
I have started uni and also have a good part time job..and am working toward the goal of a better life and lifestyle...but for now I have to live under the same roof..
I want to be 'able' to go and see my girlfriends and family without him...it causes so much ..yet he can do what ever when ever he likes.
Do I just say...Ive organised a weekend over a mates place...see yu when I get back...? As he does...
Thats my prob...Ive gotta start doing what I like now! Thats were my strength lacks...spose I should just grow some balls..hehe.
Cheers

**coral-sky** · 10-18-2008 03:12 AM

oh..and another thing....I was 54kg when I met him an over the past few years Ive put on 20kg...I belive Ive unconciously done this so he wouldnt go near me...as it makes me sick when he touches me.
Now Im actually upset by his perving ways..(at teen girls)...even though Ive pushed him away...this is why Im confused...like I feel intense animosity for him yet Im peeved at the fact hes doing sleezy stuff behind my back...
Does this make any sense?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-18-2008 03:20 AM

Originally Posted by coral-sky

Thanks for that...as you can imagine its a little more complex than what Ive written.
Beleive it or not Im allways told how 'strong' I am. I have ly stuck to this marraige but allways stuck up for myself and am allways clear on what I thought wasnt right...by letting him know. But I think sometimes these controlling type people beleive in their own so much that it doesnt matter what explinations you give...they cant comprehend.
I have started uni and also have a good part time job..and am working toward the goal of a better life and lifestyle...but for now I have to live under the same roof..
I want to be 'able' to go and see my girlfriends and family without him...it causes so much ..yet he can do what ever when ever he likes.
Do I just say...Ive organised a weekend over a mates place...see yu when I get back...? As he does...
Thats my prob...Ive gotta start doing what I like now! Thats were my strength lacks...spose I should just grow some balls..hehe.
Cheers

Way understand... been there... they do not change it's not so much of control rather, they have to win.

My ex-husband's first wife went from size 8 to 16 in 18 months... He tried to control her by "making her" go to the gym, said he was turned off by her, she kept pilling on the weight.

She is a 12 now, last time i saw her, some 2 years ago.

Okay so i lived under that roof for 12 months actually 4 years, of the control, but yes, we are strong and we can get past it and move out and on.

You start making your own rules what is he going to do? Get physical? if so you know what to do.

Yes, you go get em, it's your life your family and friends are way important as you are.

Time to re-associate yourself with your family and friends and get out of feeling fat and depressed as he has made you feel this way...

CW

**WildChild** · 10-19-2008 12:21 AM

You need to get out dear, isolation is a biggie with abusers and he has problems. He hasn't grown up at all yet. Normal 30 somethings don't find their friends from among teens - that's really off.

The weight gain can be a way of creating a buffer, it can also be part of depression. I'll bet it you lose him you'll lose the weight and the depression. Think of this (one of my little jokes) when the judge signs that divorce paper, I say I'mbe the 'biggest loser', over 300 lbs in 10 seconds! You can't beat that with any diet!

Aside from he might get POd, what stops you from seeing freinds? Often the limits we have are more our own. So he gets upset, what do you care? Is he likely to hurt you or your children? Forget the balls girl, you got something better, you've got overies! Woman power, use it. Start exersizing, it will make you feel so much better. Get a new hairstyle to reflect your new attitude. Getting a little grey? Do you color your hair? If not try it! Go in for a make over, the higher end stores often do make up for customers at the various cosmetic counters it can be fun to see a new you!

Start putting aside some money where he can't get at it. You earn it and you're going to needit to get out. Make a plan and stick to it. Do what you need to do and treat him pleasantly but distantly. Be matter of fact about what you are doing and where you are going. You are a mature woman you don't need anyone to "let" you do anything. Stay strong.

**coral-sky** · 10-19-2008 11:51 PM

Thanks Wildchild...I really needed to hear that! Its like a reassurance of what I think...I just wonder if its right or wrong sometimes...my thoughts on it all I mean.
Cheers
Coral-Sky

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