Feeling So Low

**Searching_82** · 10-22-2008 08:00 AM

Its one of my anniversarys of my wedding and I am just so depressed. I need to be on my own. This relationship has def. turned toxic and I can feel it eatinga way at me, slowly. I'm worried for myself. I'm worried what this is going to do to not only my mental health, but also my physical health. I'm constnatly exhausted and I know the stress it taking its toll as well. How much longer before I get the courage?

My therapist says that she thinks I got married in a way to honor the old relationship that was once there. That even though I had my doubts months before the wedding (and tried to call it off a half dozen times) that I still wanted to try as a way to show my husband that I cared. She also says that my focus has been soley on others throught his process, and not on myself. She told me that I am not a bad person for still caring about husband and to always think of the support system I have for leaving. She says its okay to love someone, but still feel that you need a divorce from them. It's okay to love someone, but to know that they are not the "someone" for you..and sometimes you figure that out years into a relationship, and there is no saying when you will figure it out. For me it just hit at a really terrible time.

I felt awesome leaving therapy the other day. Woke up this morning feeling like . She has described it as "living everyday feeling tortured." That's exactly how I feel, like this is some cruel punishment for me not being selfish and listening to my gut and doing waht I wanted to do. Instead I got caught up in the whirlwind and did what everyone else wanted/though that I should do.

I wake up everyday almost wishing that I would die. I can't stand living my lie of a life. Everyday I wake up knowing that this isnt right. Everyday I wake up more pissed off at myself than the day before for being too weak to end this lie. I hate myself for this, I really do. Esp. b/c this has or is going to hurt so many people in the process. I am going to fail my husband, his family, as well as my own. But if I stay I fail myself (again) and live and feel like this forever...and as much as I hate myself rightn ow...I can't put myself through this much longer.

**WildChild** · 10-22-2008 08:46 AM

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to quit dragging it out and make a clean break. Examine it in therapy enough to be certain you recognise the pattern of behavior and aren't likely to repeat it and focus on the future.

**crzyredhead21** · 10-22-2008 12:13 PM

Let him go. If you are unhappy ad tortured right now, he is too. The kindest thing for the both of you is to end it before you end up hurting each other more. You are not doing him any favors by staying. It's hard to let someone tha you love go.... to be that "selfish". Sometimes you just have to be selfish or will end up more and more unhappy until you snap and do something you really regret later on down the road.
Is it going to be the hardest thing you've ever had to do? Absolutley! Is it going to hurt your family and his? Yes! But evaluate how you feel right now. Is this how you want to feel for the rest of your life? or worse, you just go numb and accept it. Don't give up on yourself! Your happines means just as much as his! Sit him down and give it to him straight.. and don't waver! if you set out with the intention of leaving him with the conversation don't let him talk you out of it.. you know what I mean. The whole " I love you... give me one more chance." Bottom line, you are the most important thing in your life and it sounds as if you need to be alone for awhile to find yourself again, and find what it is that makes you truly happy. I feel for you!!!!!!! I will say this once again.. YOUR HAPPINESS IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS HIS! Let him go if you truly love him.

**mburen0001** · 10-22-2008 01:12 PM

Why do you feel that it isnt right? Does he hurt you physically or emotionally? If he is abusive you need to get out and get out now! Especially if there are children involved.

**Searching_82** · 10-23-2008 08:34 AM

Thank you all for your kind words. It was another hard day today. I coudln't bring myself to get out of bed. I just dont' know how to do this...esp. with the holidays coming up. Any ideas? Trial separation maybe? I dont know all I know is this is NOT the way that I want to feel anymore

Crzyredhead-Thank you for your insight and advice :O)

**crzyredhead21** · 10-23-2008 08:20 PM

I think trial separation may be a good thing for you guys.

I have to ask this.. what is it that you truly want? Is it to be free and alone? Or do you believe that there is soemthing to salvage? I ask this question becuase if you start this "talk" with him these are questions that he is going to ask and you need to be prepared to truly answer them.

I really really feel for you!! Last Friday I had that "talk" with my b/f of almost 4 years. I was not prepared for it! I feel the same way you do. That you are being tortured... that when you look in the mirror you don't know who you are. I know I keep emphasizing not to back down and be prepared, but since I just recently went through this, I know that your husband may say anything and everything to get you to stay and give it another shot. If this is truly what you want then I would make that leap. You need to find that inner "selfishness" (hard, I know) and tell him what youre feeling. Let him have his anger, his sadness, but don't let it get to you. You and I are very alike. We strive so hard to make the other person happy that we end up miserable and hating ourselves for our actions. Be true to yourself and develop a pair of steel blls. Becuase trust me, you're probably going to need them!

**Searching_82** · 10-24-2008 06:38 AM

We had the divorce talk last night. It was extremely emotional on both sides as I believe while it hurts...we know its best. Esp with what I have been going through personally with not beinga ble to figure out who I am and the depression (extreme depression) that I have felt lately. I asked him if I made him miserable...he wouldn't look at me as he said "no". Thats how I knew that staying in this was hurting him. I couldn't keep dragging it through the mud..ith ad to happen then and there and it did. We are on talking terms, however we both hurt. Should I stay in the house and be cordial or do you reccomend me staying somewhere else while I process everything that is going on?

I know what you meant about the steal blls. Yes he did keep saying " I dont want to lose you. What happened etc etc" So I told him everything that I have been feeling, and as much as I wanted to be like "okay nevermind" when he would say certain things...I just kept repeating to myself "You're doing this for YOU focus on YOU"

So...the first morning after....its the first time in a LONG time I got up, ready and actually willing, to start my day. How do I feel? Part of me feels relieved that the conversation has been had...another part of me feels like because, again, I always worry about how others feel and not myself.

It's going to be a rough day.

**crzyredhead21** · 10-24-2008 08:08 AM

Good for you!! I know it's hard... hurting other people is never what we want out of life but sometimes it's necessary for a greater good. Gosh girl! You give me hope that I may develop the steel balls here soon!

I would consider staying away from him for a little while. If he gets it into his head that he doesn't want to let you go than he has a better chance of swaying your opinion. Also, he is hurting right now and I think he could use some time alone to think things over as well.

Keep your head up... you made the best decision for yourself anf there's no shame in that!

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