First Time Seeing Him Since the Split

**Searching_82** · 11-04-2008 08:59 AM

So yesterday was the first time I saw my..whatever you want to call him..since I left the house 10 days ago. I had to give him a book for some of our classes at school. Very short conversation and I got this half hug at the end. We started talking via computer and he said he didnt understand what was going on. Now keep in mind, I have laid this out in concrete for him about 100 times now, so I just got firm and I was like "look, live your life as if I was not in it because thats what I am doing. I am going out and doing what I want and hanging out with who I want and I'm not worried about what you are/are not doing. I'm focussing on myself." He never replied to that email so I called him and asked that he meet me for coffee. We had the discussion that I didn't want to hang out with him yet because 1. Emotions are obviously still running high (I cried the entire time at the coffee shop) 2. I dont want to create any false hope for the outcome of this. I am enjoying my life more now than I was before. he said he knows whats coming down the road, he's not dumb. It easier to just be mad at me but get this...he starts pressuring me AGAIN !( story of our relationship) He's like 'well do you love me or dont you? are you in love with me? tell me now'...I felt, yet again, like I was being backed into a corner forced to give an answer so I just said "no." At that moment...being pressured into something huge like that again, it made me realize how much I had been pressured into. Even last week he was like 'well you need to figure out what you want and whre you are going to be in life'..pressuring me again to make a huge decisioN! This is why the marriage didnt work out!

So getting back to how I thought of things and have been pressured the entire relationship: At school, I felt pressure to leave college to be with him because if I didn't he would leave me (yes..very low self esteem on my part). Then, I felt pressured by him and his mom to start working for the bank since we weren't in school all I heard was "well you two better get back in school, they will pay for you school, dadadadadad"...so I started working here. Then it was time to move in together..after about a year and a half...felt pressured there. Then I left the bank, trying to find myself in a couple of retail/watiressing jobs..I was happy..but he was not...so I went back to banking to make him happy..BOOM! within a month..ring on the finger. Then him and his mom started saying we were throwing money away on rent, we need to get a house..we need to do it soon, we need we need we need....never was I part of this "we need"...I was just being shoved in whatever direction everyone wanted me to go. Then the whole wedding thing "fine time to decide this now..its 3 months before the wedding!" "What are you going to do with your gifts?! You just had the shower?" "You are bringing this up NOW...you dont want to marry me NOW" so i just gave in...and married him..and here I am. Separated after only 3 months of marriage.

Here is the kicker: all this time we were having discussions...or I was trying to have discussions..about calling off the wedding I communicated what was going on with my parents/ He did not. He is blaming this entire thing on me! Um , hello, maybe you should have told your parents what was going on with us. Maybe then they wouldn't be so confused as to what is going on. Maybe then they would have told you that I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING IN TRYING TO CALL OFF THE WEDDING! it just pisses me off! He says his dad is going to take this as a slap in the face because it is 'coming out of nowhere' however we have been having these problems for over a year now...he just doesnt tell his parents anything...but he made sure to tell them the fact that i had been having suicidal thoughts while living at home (no worries i would never ACT on them) but he told his families that so now I will never be able to face them again. It just really makes me mad. How would you feel?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-04-2008 01:44 PM

I think that his parents are quite controlling over what they "expect" their children to gain out of life, and that includes someone whom enters it because there lies the wealth of the future.

The bank, is a secure job. And, to their friends " My daughter-in-law works in a bank"
Waitressing is a dead end job, to their friends " Um, she works in a restaurant hand and foot on people ahhh".

The renting is wasted money, the purchasing of a house is an investment, for the future.

He has been bought up with this is how you do it son, the picked white fence, she must work and in a good position that will carry you both for years, safe position, and you must buy a home and cement your future.

You have been with her for a year, are you going to make an honest women of her?

All of those sorts of things would have been said to him.

It is the way that he has been bought up.

He therefore, off course is worried that his father will think that "he is a failure" he obviously has had to be great at his school grades, if in a sport, be successful at it, it's time he learn't to live his life the way he wants to and then the other person in his life won't feel like everything they do is because " they have to" as aposed to they "want to".

Perhaps these are the words you should be saying to your estranged husband, perhaps you should be saying it's our right in the world to be ourselves, our parents have us, certainly, they can guide us sure, but once we are of age, then it becomes our lives.

They are only trying to ensure he has a "secure" life and doesn't struggle and is set up for life, however, he also may be in the same carton of eggs now as he has been bought up that way. But, what if he is not? What if he realises that you are right?

May not be, as he is now worried about how his Father will view him, but worth at least letting him know for future relationships that this is what destroyed this one. Not so much him, if you now can see, but the values his parents placed on him and expect of him to carry out to make a future that "THEY" will be proud of and happy with.

CW

**elsa_niloo** · 11-12-2008 03:52 PM

honey, I too like you am a newlywed and there is not a single day when we dont have problems.
we did before the wedding and now after, he made me cry on my wedding day with mean comments and he is sorry but that doesnt change anything.

if you love him and you are married to him you might as well make the relationship work. remember no good relationship is carried on to you on a silver platter and if you do really have feelings for him and see a future, stay with him and work it out.

first thing i would do if i ever you would be to tell him to politely tell his parents to back off. you are married to him and not his parents. who cares what they think? however put it in a way that he wouldn't feel like he has to choose between you two. Use your female charms and cleverly make him understand that if he takes their side all the time he would miss out of having the pleasure of being with you as his life partner.

However if you really feel like there is no love left between you two, and if there is really no future, break it off before you bring a couple of poor kids into this world who will be stuck in a battle between their parents.

these are just my thoughts, ofcourse you know better than anyone what to do.
i wish you luck and pray for your happiness.

**Jewels6** · 11-15-2008 06:38 PM

Well,that's alot and it may sound like I am faulting you but,I have to that you need to take responsibility for your life you canoot blame others for your lack of courage. The reason why I am saying this is because I've been there in life and I think you need to do alot of soul searching cause it sounds like maybe you need to get to know you,how can you love yourself if you don't take the time to get to know you and what you want not what others want for you. Hope I helpled

**Searching_82** · 11-17-2008 08:17 AM

Thanks Jewels! I know I cannot blame others. And thats what I have to do is learn to love myself. It has become aparent to me through out this past month of being separated that while I am stronger than I thought...I do not love myself nearly as much as one needs to. Can't love anyone else until you first love yourself and I am slowly realizing that. Thanks for the input!

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