Caught my fiance in the act...

**Cathy78** · 11-04-2008 04:19 PM

My fiance and I have been a couple for 5 1/2 years. I met him after escaping from a man who really hurt me, both physically and emotionally. I was really grateful to be in a relationship with a person who treated me with love and respect, who would never raise his voice or his fist at me. We have a lot in common in both interests and intellectual matters so I'm never bored when I'm with him. However, I've noticed that our sex life has been running out of fuel. The first couple of years were really passionate, it wouldn't be uncommon for us to have sex a few times a day. Well, it later wound down to a few times a week, a few times a month, and now we're down to about once or twice a month. Recently, however, he broke his ankle in an accident and, naturally, our sex life is now non-existent, which is understandable.

However, even before the accident he'd been feeling pretty low about himself. He was really fit when we first met, worked out and ran every day. These days, not so much. While he's not even considered overweight, he's definitely not in the shape he used to be. And though I constantly reassure him that I find him very desirable, his low self-esteem has definitely put a toll on our intimacy. Now that he's recovering from his injury, he won't be able to work for the next few months which means he won't be getting paid and since I was recently laid off from my job, we're currently battling money problems as well which puts even more of a damper on our relationship.

So yesterday, I was out on an errand but returned early and caught him watching porn and masturbating. Let me start by saying that I don't have a problem with that. I, too, occasionally indulge in viewing tasteful pornography and have fun with a sex toy by myself every now and then. We were both surprised and a little embarrassed. I just ran into our bedroom, changed my clothes (in order to give him time to get himself together), then came out and apologized for not letting him know I was returning early. It was a little awkward, but he otherwise seemed fine. We had dinner, watched TV, then went to bed. I had a hard time sleeping, however. The more I thought about it, the more aggravated I became.

Here's the thing, I occasionally pleasure myself for fun, but for the most part, for the past year or so, I've been doing so because I haven't really been getting any from him. I've tried every which way to re-ignite his passion. I'm young, have a good figure, a pretty face, and I'm willing to try new things in bed. He was crazy about me the first 4 years of our relationship, but these days, I can't get him as excited about me as he was before. And so what I'm thinking now is: If he'd rather watch porn and masturbate instead of having sex with me, what exactly is going to happen to our relationship?

Am I over-thinking things? Should I let it go? I totally understand that with a broken ankle, masturbating is a far more comfortable and safer solution for sexual release than going through with the act itself. Even so, there are a couple of ways I have in mind for us to have sex safely and comfortably. But our sex-life was diminishing even before this accident.

If any of you ladies have any advice, I'd really, really appreciate it. There's no one else I can talk to about this. Friends and family know us too well for me to discuss something so personal and with our work situation and the economy going the way it is, we cannot afford relationship counseling at this point in time. Please help!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-05-2008 02:03 AM

To have a great sex drive for 4 years and compatibility you have to ask yourself what you have done right.

Sure, he had an injury and positions aren't perfect, so are you doing something about that? I mean are you taking control and making life easier for him still with enjoyment because it would be harder for him, it would hurt no matter what position he was in really apart from on his back.

This could be one reason for current.

Off course, he won't have work, you have lost yoru job, well masterbation releases endorphenes which decreases stress, in fact, I learnt that the more sex you have before your period, the less PMT you have ( sorry had to add that in for the women here, not worth a separate thread and something you may want to know, same reasons though and it does work) .

But, before the accident? Perhaps it's a bit more of an equal thing than you actually even contemplate. Sex can deminish unless constant attraction and lust remains, and that is two sided not one.

Firstly, ask yourself, have you really made lots of effort yourself, or was the strength of the constant sex based on his desire for you, not your foot forward to him?

Were you working hard and tired a lot and therefore, were happier to fall asleep than to have sex, or even intimacy?

Since the accident have you climbed on top a lot and mostly? Sorry but how else do I say it.

At the end of your thoughts the bottom line is you need to communicate together and establish where you may have viered from and get yourselves back to where you were, you had something very good, unless it was all sex only.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 11-05-2008 11:03 AM

A broken ankle shouldn't stop you from doing a lot of fun things in bed.

There do seem to be men who wind up preferring porn to their partners. I just don't understand it, and can't really comment.

Do you watch porn with him? From what he watches can you tell if there is something particular he wants?

It sounds like it is his problem, not yours.

**MichelleB** · 11-05-2008 12:12 PM

I agree, its his prob

**crzyredhead21** · 11-07-2008 09:38 PM

Wow.. you know life's ironic soemtimes. I just posted to a person acouple days ago who's SO was having "body issues". I forget sometimes that you men can have the same problems.

Society teaches us that in order to be sexy/desirable you need to be this certain body type/have this hair/ect ect. It's really hard to break free from that and love yourself exactly the way you are. He is havign issues with the way he is looking righ tnow which, of course, will spill over into your love life. Add in a busted ankle which means he is unable to provide for his family and you've got a definate problem on your hands. At this point you need to be supportive. I wouldnt pressure him too much right now as it may only get him to shut down further.

I knwo the porn thign seems like a slap in the face but to him it is easier to release to the "faceless" females in the porn because they expect nothign from him. No money or job problems. They dont care what he looks like. Do you see what I'm saying?? I'm not really offering to omuch advice as I'm not sure what is the correct route to take to help your love life. Leaving at this point would only validate his feeling of inadequecy. You need to make him feel loved despite his current problems.
I wish you both the best of luck...
Sorry I couldnt be of more help...

**desert spirit** · 11-15-2008 11:13 AM

I've never really understood why men enjoy porn either, but the fact is they do. I don't think it has anything to do with you, specifically. Maybe the women in the porn do things that he doesn't feel comfortable asking you to do. Who knows? As long as it doesn't become an obsession with him, I don't think it's that much of a problem, even though it does seem like a slap in the face. It's just the way men are.

**Phoebee** · 11-15-2008 12:54 PM

The getting out of shape and loosing interest in sex with you both scream "possible" medical / hormone issues. Before I swore off sex with him I would ask him to get a hormone panel done and speak to his GP about lack of sex drive.

As to him going solo... I dunno... If he was active with you would it be a problem? If the answer is no first make sure he is not goofed up in a medical way. Then consider that if you have fallen off the sexual wagon maybe he has lost his ease of making love with you and you both need to relight that spark.

I do think it of value to tell him that your a bit hurt that he is doing himself when you have needs that are not being met. Say this in a positive way. Hey, I'm right here? If you want to get off why have vanilla when you can have (whatever his fav flavor is) ____________

**zeos133** · 12-04-2008 01:01 PM

Originally Posted by Phoebee

The getting out of shape and loosing interest in sex with you both scream "possible" medical / hormone issues. Before I swore off sex with him I would ask him to get a hormone panel done and speak to his GP about lack of sex drive.

As to him going solo... I dunno... If he was active with you would it be a problem? If the answer is no first make sure he is not goofed up in a medical way. Then consider that if you have fallen off the sexual wagon maybe he has lost his ease of making love with you and you both need to relight that spark.

I do think it of value to tell him that your a bit hurt that he is doing himself when you have needs that are not being met. Say this in a positive way. Hey, I'm right here? If you want to get off why have vanilla when you can have (whatever his fav flavor is) ____________

Cathy, there is nothing medically wrong with your husband and please do not go down that route. You're going through a stressful time and its obviously affecting him. And for the love of God, DO NOT tell him you're a bit hurt about the masturbating. This will only compound your problems and crush him even more. the getting out of shape and loss of sex drive does not scream a medical problem, it screams he's not getting enough exercise! All men fall into this at some point. its a vicious downward cycle that can be hard to break. I'm currently trying to get out of my down cycle. I've been with my girl for three years and this last year I stopped exercising so much, gained a little weight, and did notice a loss of sex drive. And of course this affects my mood, confidence, etc. The cure is to exercise, which releases endorphins, makes us healthier, and overall feel better. But when you're in the down cycle it can be very hard to motivate oneself to get out of it. the thing is, most single guys stay fit because naturally they are trying to attract females, once they have a girl they have to find a new reason to stay in shape, and this can be difficult. Add that to the broken ankle and job losses, yikes! But look, all is not lost, and I'm sure your hubby loves you more than anything. I also noticed that when I was single I had more buddies that I worked out with. Now we've moved a couple times and really my gf has become my best friend. It seems that the only time I get motivated to exercise is when she's either gone (I'm bored cuz she's not around so I work out) or when she works out with me. With the ankle problem, is there any type of exercise he can do? I know they have "arm" bikes at the gym, but maybe you can't afford the gym membership right now. The point is, try to find something you can both do together.

I get the job loss thing as well. I'm getting laid off in two weeks and my gf is barely out of college and doesn't make much. I know it sucks, and financial problems can be very stressful. But it also depends on how you look at it. In the end you still have each other. I realize this is probably cliche' advice, but it helps to be reminded of it.

It sounds like your hubby is going through a tough time, and I realize things are so easy for you either. Now is the time for both of you to come together. That's what married is about. You support each other through thick or thin. Sit down next to your husband, hold his hand, look him straight in the eyes and tell him that no matter what happens that you love him and support him. That nothing else in this entire world matters to you than to be with him. And even with the ankle thing find a way to exercise together. Even if both of you are jobless you can't stop living. As for the maturbating...seriously, don't worry about it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-04-2008 03:42 PM

Cathy, there is nothing medically wrong with your husband and please do not go down that route

You may be 100% correct, but Pheobe said "possible" and this site, requires "opinions" not statements as we can not ascertain that there is "nothing" medically wrong only a Doctor can.

All opinions are welcomed but all people should give their thoughts and opinions and thereby OP, you can make your own choices of what you feel you wish to do with those opinions.

CW

**zeos133** · 12-04-2008 05:45 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

You may be 100% correct, but Pheobe said "possible" and this site, requires "opinions" not statements as we can not ascertain that there is "nothing" medically wrong only a Doctor can.

All opinions are welcomed but all people should give their thoughts and opinions and thereby OP, you can make your own choices of what you feel you wish to do with those opinions.

CW

True. Then I should edit my statement: I believe there is nothing medically wrong with her husband. I would try other options before pursuing the medical route.

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